End of 2018

Where has the year gone? 

I don't want to be cliche, but where has the time gone? I feel like it was yesterday, when I decided to follow my heart and move to Los Angeles. It also seems like just yesterday when I was going through the hardest challenges I had ever faced. It was all a test to see if I really wanted it or not. You'll be surprised by how strong you are, when faced with doubts of self and God. 

When the very basics are taken away from you. When you have no choice but to succumb to the oddest of doings just to survive. When you call on those who are "there" for you, only to realize, they never were. It's amazing to me the amount of love I've gained, lost and separated from.  Now that those challenges are over, I can understand why they needed to happen. 

There's always a rise to your fall

Now that those challenges are over, I can appreciate the ones to come. I can also sit still, because God will always see me through. If he sought me through the trails that I faced over the past year, I know, that he will do the same for everything I'm going to face in the future. Because of this, I've found inner peace.  

Knowing that Gods got me, has me relaxed

2019. I wish I could tell you the things that are about to come before the New Year begins. I'm learning to wait, and sit in the blessings. I'm learning to love on them when they come and share them when necessary. I've been sitting on gold for the past six months. I've been sitting on some exciting news for the past week. All of which, will be revealed in time. 

When it comes to thinking about goals for 2019. I don't have any that require losing weight, or eating better nothing like that. Instead it's simple because I've reached so many of my personal hearts' desires. I plan to travel next year, both in and out of country. I plan to continue to love as hard as I can. I plan to pray harder and bigger while working on not panicking. 

For the remainder of the year and 2019, I hope that you're able to accomplish your goals and have all your dreams come true. I hope that you start that business. I hope that you tell that person that you love them. I hope you gather the courage to ask that person out. I hope that you start your diet and work on yourself. Most importantly, I hope that you forgive and LOVE you for you. That you learn to accept you for you. That you know that you're amazing, brilliant, talented and chosen. You are destined for greatness. 

Until next year my friend. 

<3 Ebony 

It's Focus Season

The Things That Escape You

It's funny how things can escape you. Your mind and your habits. For me, it's writing. From time to time I get in these moods or modes where, I'm so focused on a project that i neglect to write in this blog. The best part about this blog is using keywords. I have a lot of you who are subscribed, and wait for the next blog post. When it hasn't been done, I see the search engine keywords. It makes me happy to know that you are still searching for something. It also makes me happy to know that you're searching here for some type of answers.

I noticed that for the entire month of November I've written maybe two blogs including this one. I've been blessed with an opportunity to be contracted to write something amazing that I can't share with you just yet, but I'm excited to share with you soon enough.  I've been so overjoyed and overwhelmed by the opportunity, that everything else was on immediate hold until I was done.

That could be a good thing or a bad thing. 

Good thing because, well, I'm focused. It could also be a bad thing because I'm forgetting about the reality around me. When I'm so focused I pay no attention to the news, social media, those around me and I isolate myself. Then when I'm finished, I come out of this dark room like Gollum looking for the ring. I'm hunched over, crippled with my hands crossing one another, hairless because I took my wig off (just kidding) but you get my drift. 

I have to learn to balance certain things. How to get things done but still be a functioning part of society. Or, is that idea far fetched because as a writer we're never really part of society. We're the outcasts, the loners who create these weird worlds from strange dreams and ideas that others laugh at, but also rush to the theaters to see, or pick up a book to read. We're criticized for thinking differently, awkwardly, strangely but then praised for the ability to create different worlds...it's so confusing. 

Anyways

The point of this blog is to share, that I"ll be back on it soon enough with new stories, more encouragement and exciting news about my career. Stay tuned. 

<3 Ebony 

Be Mindful of The Help & Advice You Respond Too

Who would've thought, that taking certain advice and help from people could actually do you more damage than good? I've experienced many situations where I needed help and advice. I would reach out to certain people for certain things and keep it moving. Recently, I experienced how powerful it can be to heed advice from someone who isn't aligned with where you're going.

Every one of us has a different vision for what we consider successful. Some just work various jobs and pyramid schemes to get rich, others have no sense of structure and just go wherever the check is written, some are strategic, others just go with the flow and don't care. When it comes to taking advice and help from others, it's very important to be careful who the source is.

Just because they mean well, doesn't mean it's Gods plan.

Ever heard a friends' success story, they tell you exactly what they did, you try it and don't get the same outcome? It could be true for diets, exercise, types of meditation and so forth. That's because every one of us is wired differently. What works for someone else might not work for you because you're path is set to a different tune. They're supposed to go left and you're supposed to go right. 

I've learned this lesson the hard way. I was accepting help and advice from someone who meant well. After they would speak, I would get this feeling of condemnation. I would feel very convicted about the thought of going down their trails. It was like God was telling me NO, I have it covered, STOP and WAIT. But while you WAIT I will be SILENT. 

How irritating is it to need God and he's silent? 

For someone like me, it's hard to sit in the silence. Especially when everything around me is falling apart. I'm smiling, I'm "happy", I'm making those around me feel beautiful, smart and so much more because I've very complimentative. All while there's this giant storm that I'm going through, one that I cry myself to sleep too. One that triggers some mental setbacks. A storm that I can't see the light in, but I'm trying to believe that this SILENCE is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe to build my faith I guess?

After all, the happiest people tend to be the ones hurting the most.

 I chose to uplift you even if I'm sinking. 

Now I'm just rambling out my thoughts as if this were a public diary. That's the only thing about not being on the radio anymore. That, I would use that platform to connect with you in a more personal way, now you have to go to the old-fashioned art of reading it...you're welcome. To wrap it up, I'm struggling in the silence, because I know this is where my faith needs to be strengthened. So he keeps putting me in the silence...

Before you seek advice and help from others, please pray on it. Pray for God to send you the right person. It might be someone that you know, it might be someone that you don't know. Most importantly, pray about it, cover yourself in prayer. Protect yourself with Gods shield. 

<3 Ebony 

I Woke Up & Everything Changed....

Ever wake up and you couldn't feel or move your legs? 

Then to have a series of events spiral out of control after that? 

Well, that's what's been going on with me for the past few months. 

Struggling with faith is hard. Struggling to let it go and let God is harder especially when it seems like he isn't working. It's a lonely feeling to think he's not there. He removed all of those who were NOT there for me, just to show me who really IS there for me. Take a look, it's a quick vid. 

<3 Eb 

Coffee Shop Diaries: Elderly Love

I frequent a certain Starbucks in the valley. I'm here at times in the morning, sometimes during the day and this place is also my nighttime lover on the nights where I can't sleep. I'm not here to drink coffee, as a matter of fact, I don't drink coffee. I very rarely drink caffeine.  Instead, I'm here because of the people. There are a few faces that I recognize, maybe they are like me. A wanderlust trapped with the bank account that doesn't agree.

I sit here to watch people. I love the laughs, those who are silently arguing and others who come alone, like me, to just watch. So much drama unfolds between the sips of coffee. Someone cheated, someone died, another is being taken advantage of at work, while others are searching for work. All these stories I hear before I sip my iced green tea with no sugar. Bland and plain, I wish that is what I could say about me.

Instead, I'm complicated. I'm difficult. Life and traumas have made me this way. It's not bad actually, not being afraid to call people out on their bs not caring about what position they might hold in life. My bluntness can be a little much. It's always too much for those who say they are all for it until it gets turned on them. Now, all of a sudden, it's an issue...I wonder why? Anyways, my scattered thoughts are painting pictures in my mind. Are they doing the same for you?

Elderly Love 

There's an elder man,  wearing a purple, orange and teal plaid shirt. He's short, glasses, and his smile lit up this entire coffee shop. He passes by an elder woman who is wearing a cute cotton floor length dress. She comes a lot, she loves to smile. I can't help but think that she has no one. Like me, we sit alone in these shops for the company.

They smile at one another. She's watching him, I think she's interested. He looked over his shoulder, she turned red and turned around. He ordered his drink, the barista is loudly asking him if that is all..... he pauses, and orders something else. A few moments pass, his order is ready, he's about to leave and she's fixing her hair. This is so adorable.

He grabs a napkin and passes her table, he looks back at her, she smiles, he hands her a drink. She blushes and takes it. They take a sip, he looks deep into her eyes. I can see her melting. I can feel her heart fluttering because mine is too. She says thank you softly, he nods his head and leaves. She walks towards the door with a slight limp. She watches him, he's still looking back. He drives away.

She exhales as she presses the coffee cup against her lips. It's like she's smelling the cup trying tog et his essence back in her presences. Like she wishes she were the cup and his hands were holding onto her instead of the paper. She walks back to her seat and grabs her necklace. I watch her as she stares off into space, then that smile comes back and she blushes again. She grabs her bags and leaves.

A simple romance in the coffee shop played out before me. Makes me crave for it. Makes me want to know what it's like to have someone look at me like that. I want that feeling but have yet to have it, I'm almost 30 and I have no idea what it's like to have someone completely take your breath away. Maybe she waits here for him daily? Maybe that's their dance, maybe that's how they say hello.

Now I feel a hint of jealousy all from a cute little speechless romance between two elderly people. Silly? I'm not sure if it is, we're all entitled to our own feelings. Coffee shops are gold. This place brings me so many feelings wrapped in so many colorful skin types. We all want one thing, to create. Whether that is a life or a work of art, we want to be expressive we want to be free.

More coffee shop diaries to come.

The Blame Game!

Tag You're It! 

How many times have we messed up but instead of owing up to it, we decided to blame someone else? Say your life is screwed up right now, you've been through some stuff, and instead of accepting the fact that as an adult, you've yet to make good choices. You decide to take it ALL the way back to when you were a child and blame your parents, or guardian, or that one time at band camp? Now, you're trying to express your situation to friends and other family members who seem to not care anymore?

Now you're upset. "Why don't they care?" "I knew I was alone?" so many things start to race in your mind. If the radio played the same record back to back would you listen? If a CD kept skipping and saying the same lyrics over and over would you shut it off or keep it going? If a movie you're watching pauses and keeps going back to 10 seconds prior to play, will you keep watching? So why expect someone to keep listening to the same story over and over again?

Here's the honest truth. At some point in time, those people that you "vent" too will stop listening. It doesn't mean that they don't care, or stopped loving you. You can only go so long, when you're an adult blaming others. At some point, your problems are because of you. It may have started out based off a terrible situation, but how you handle it, isn't that persons fault.

Take yourself off of repeat. 

I have a friend who was put into an identical situation as me as a kid. We actually met in therapy and our background is why we're friends today. She always expresses how amazed she is at my ability to stop blaming what happened to me and move on. When she speaks on herself, she simply said she blames the past because it gives her an excuse as to her situation. I.E. it's easier to say I'm this way because of xyz, instead of saying I'm this way because I don't want to change, or whatever excuse might come to mind.

With that said, I know that every situation isn't the same.

But, you do have the power to not give it life. 

There are plenty of people who had a horrible upbringing. They've suffered abuse of many kinds from parents or guardians, they were born drug and alcohol babies, they've even been left in the system, so many things I can list. For some reason, those people that I know, grew to be amazing human beings. They admit to having a hard time with trust. They also admit that it was their choice to sit in the pain of the past or to have a different future; not just for them, but also for their children.

You deserve better. Allow yourself to grow and be better.

The greater reward, isn't blaming others because it's convenient. The greater reward would be to face what damaged us and fight it head on. I'm speaking from experience, and it wasn't easy. I'm a person who at one point in time, was blaming someone for their abuse, neglect and constant lying as to why things for me are tough in my adult life. About 4 years ago, when I started therapy, I realized that yes, this person played a major role because they were a parent. HOWEVER, it was my choice to let them have this hold on my life.

I wasn't willing to let someone who did awful things

have a hold on my future. My future belongs to ME. 

After that, I realized the crutch it had on me. It was so easy for me to say well, I have trust issues because of xyz. I don't like to drink alcohol because of xyz. I'm not a fan of xyz because of xyz. And it all had to do with ONE person. It's a very captive feeling, to be free and yet still in chains. The sad part was, that I was the one responsible for the chains and captivity of my mind. They moved on, and never accepted accountability, so why was I still sad? Why was I still upset? Why was I still allowing this to fester in my body and mind?

More importantly, if they didn't care, why did I? 

It took me years of therapy,  and I'm still in it, to get through over two decades of bullshit. It's taking years to sift through which bullshit is mine, and which ones aren't. Digging deep into those wounds that are lightly coded over with a thin piece of flesh was tough. Allowing myself to half-ass heal only to rip into that scar with a jagged edged razor blade, was necessary.

I know that was a vivid picture, and I hope you use

 it when referring to your own scars from the past.

I stopped blaming others when I realized that I'm not a child anymore. I'm capable of making my own decisions and I'm now in charge of my happiness.  We all have a past and no ones pain is greater than the next. Some are able to get over it quicker, and others aren't. My hope For you, is that you become that person who is able to let it go. Who is willing to live your best life through forgiveness and allowing God to restore your peace and childlike faith. 

Forgiveness is NEVER for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness is FOR YOU. 

We have a tough road ahead of us, if we chose to stop blaming and start accepting, forgiving and moving on. Like I mentioned before, it's taken me so far almost 10 years to reach this level of peace. That's only because I was unwilling to forgive. The moment I understood what forgiveness was about and who it was for, I accepted it, and things got so much better. 

I still struggle from time to time,

but never long enough for it to effect me. 

You're not alone in what happened to you. You're not alone in how you feel. You're not wrong for how you feel. You will be okay if you want to be. It's up to you, to make this happen my friend. I really hope that today you make the decision to allow yourself peace and happiness. You deserve all the blessings that life has to offer. But first it starts with you.

I am with you on this journey. I'm literally a click away. 

<3 Ebony 

It's Hard to Take Your Own Advice

Funny thing about writing these blogs, I write them so much that I plan them out on when they'll post. I try to aim for every Monday, but then life throws me a curveball and I have to write something else. I have to write in the present I have to share with you the thoughts that are on my mind at the time that they happen. Which brings me to this:

How come it's easy for us to give advice but

 so hard for us to take our own advice?

As of late, I feel like I'm Vivian Green. Some might know that name so let me explain a little more, I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. Get the reference yet? If yes, you know that song is simply amazing. If you don't know that song, Google it, you won't be disappointed. I had a friend tell me that when she gets down, she reads my blogs and she gets encouragement. I was instantly humbled because she is someone with great faith.

She's someone that I turn to for prayer. She's someone that's beside me on this journey and I love her dearly. She's more than a friend, she's family. To hear her say that she looks to my words, someone who has no idea what she's doing most of the time. Someone whose faith is up and down. Someone who at one point wants to play in traffic and in the same breath praise God. She finds a sense of peace in my honesty. Then she hit me with this: 

You should re-read your blogs and pray to renew your mind 

After she said that, I went into a deep prayer mode. Secluded in a room for an entire weekend. I didn't see anyone, I didn't answer anyone. I was alone in a room that was extremely hot, and I was determined to hear from God. Shortly after, someone I admire needed prayer, he didn't mention it, but I sent one to him. His response "wow what made you send me this timely prayer?" All I could say was ... basically... Jesus. Then another friend of mine the next day said she needed prayer, and I sent one ASAP. 

How could I send these amazing uplifting prayers to my fellow peers,

and not receive those same powerful words for myself? 

Why am I blocking my own blessings? Why am I making it harder for myself? I know the darkness. I'm no stranger to this place. I also know that there's a magnificent way out. But yet, I can't seem to get over this hump. I have yet to get over this hump. I refuse to say I can't. Because there is nothing that I can't do when it comes to bettering myself. There's nothing that I can't do when Jesus is right by my side. 

But I understand that it's hard to believe that when 

you're the one in the middle of the turmoil. 

The burden of guilt and shame is a beast. The devil in itself in full form stomping around in my mind. That's where he lives, in our minds because that's the only place he can get to us. He can't physically harm us, but he can make us think that he can. That's why it's important to take control of your mind and your tongue. It's important to watch how you think and what you speak. YOU have the power to speak things into existence. 

Control your mind. 

When you think bad thoughts, you speak bad thoughts. When you speak bad thoughts then your heart starts to feel those bad thoughts. Once it's in your heart, its hard to get it out. It's not impossible to get it out or change your heart, but there will be work ahead to heal your heart. If you want to go through more battles then let the ill wills fester in your mind. If you want to avoid that altogether, then my friend please work on your mind. 

It's not easy but listen to your own advice. 

We all have people that come to us for advice. We're that shoulder, that voice of reason. So next time you give advice, whether it be in a text message, social media post or phone call. Remember what you say. Then I want you to look in the mirror and repeat those same words and personalize it. Look at yourself and acknowledge that you're: 

here for a reason

worthy 

blessed

loved

highly favored

protected

wanted

loved

important

smart

driven

loved

cared for

douted on 

unique

loved

not forgotten 

not alone

but instead

you are loved 

<3 Ebony 

Struggles With Faith

I get so many messages, whether they're from social media or directly to my cell phone pertaining too how "strong" my faith is. I'm so sorry, but, I have to insert the biggest eye roll here. My reason for that is simple, I might seem strong but I've very human and weak.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  

Do not be frightened, and not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go. " 

Joshua 1:9

I have to recite this verse along with plenty of others because the struggle bus with faith is real. Truth is, following Jesus is great! What people don't tell you, is that when you make that decision, you have to be ready for the trials that come with it. It's not a walk in the park, actually, walking with Christ was never meant to be. Hell, it wasn't easy for Jesus to be Jesus and walk the walk that he talks, so why would we think it'll be easy for us? 

"Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually" 

1 Chronicles 16:11

Yes, reading my blogs, watching my videos, logging onto my social media accounts is great. It shows purpose, some form of obedience, growth and happiness. This is what triggers my messages, "how can I be like you?" or "how can I experience this type of joy?"  or "I admire what God is doing in your life, I want him to do the same in mine." 

Those messages make me happy, however, let's get real. 

What you don't see, is the struggle between those blessings. You don't see my break downs. You don't experience my massive weight loss or hair loss because of stress. You don't see the nights slept in cars, couches or days without food. You don't know that I have more spiritual attacks from the devil more now than ever. You might not understand the level of restless nights, one week I slept once for three hours, the rest of the days I was wide awake. Or the nights when I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. 

Trusting God is not easy. 

I have to learn to let go and let God. It's an old cliche, but it's true. Trusting God requires you to be put in the most awkward, uncomfortable situations ever. It causes Him to move in a way that hurts at first but, it's for the greater good. If you want Him to move in your life, you have to expect things to be moved around or moved out. You can't have your cake and eat it too with Him, you go all in or not at all. He wants all of you, not part of you.  Have you ever tried to make a cake with just the powder and nothing else? That's what having a half-assed faith life is like.

"What's one thing that happened to you that we don't know?"  Question via Instagram

Not to long ago, a few weeks actually, I experienced the most painful paralyzation ever. One morning I woke up and couldn't feel my legs. I was confined to the bed and had no one to call. I was going to call 9-1-1 (non-emergency line) but I managed to drop my phone. It rolled under a bed that easily sat up a good 4 feet high. I was stuck, in pain, unable to move no matter how hard I tried. I stayed like that for almost two days. 

Before that, I was getting the inclination to rest and relax. Something that I heavily ignored. When it became a little bearable to walk, the pain lasted for months. I still have the pain, it's something I'm currently getting fixed. Instead of posting about it, complaining, crying to social media I decided to pray. I was angry and frustrated with God that he allowed this to happen but, in the end I understand.  

How is the road treating me now? 

I'm now in a position to where I'm comfortable enough to tell God, that if what I want isn't what He wants then to please align my heart with His will. After all, I'm living my life with my talents for Him. I'm moving in way that gives Him all the praise. So, if He wants me to move a certain way, I don't hesitate. When. I decided to give my life to Him, was the day that my life was no longer mine, I was choosing to live in honor of Him. 

The reason I wrote this post, and why I'm so open is because I want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle. I want you to know that every person who decides to follow God or whatever being you call Him, doesn't have it easy. We all have issues and are going through something. Even the shiniest of celebrities that some of you love have it tough. 

I know it's hard, don't give up. If you feel like you're about too, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm one prayer request away. Praying for and with others is something that I'm passionate about, it's one assignment I will never neglect. 

<3 Ebony 

Damn Dirt

Damn dirt...
I dust off my knees and pick myself up again.
This time the fall was higher than it's ever been.
To me, at least, that's what I think.
To those around me, they let me sink.

Gasping for air as I hit the ground.
Arms flailing around
Like that thing at a car dealership.
I bet I look that silly to God.
Like Peter who got out of the boat and walked on water.
Then when he lost sight he started to sink into troubled waters.

Keep your eyes on God.
If that's what I do, then I'm sure to float.
Or, at least I think that's true?

Damn dirt....
Now, I hit the ground from a higher way up.
The last time I thought it was tough.
But the universe had something in store.
Something higher, better, rougher and more.

It challenged my faith and tested my ways.
It left me to cry tears that were dry.
I was out of water in my eyes.
I was exhausted and confined to my bed.
Spiritual paralyzation.

Damn dirt....
It hurts you know.
Always falling on your face.
Pulling yourself up getting back in the race.
To put your faith in a higher being.
One that you cannot see.
Only to get hit hard by the enemy.

I experience so many things.
Like a bipolar spring.
Rain or snow which one today will it be?
One thing I do know, no matter what the weather brings,
At least I was granted a new day.

So damn the dirt.
Damn, how many times I have to get back up.
The fact that I can get back up is what I need to focus on.
It means to God, that I'm not done.

He gave me a vision.
I have to prove that I can handle it.
So give me all my tests God.
Eventually I will pass them.
I'm ready for all your Glory and road blocks ahead.
I know you've given me enough to pass these tests.

I just ask of one thing God.
Next time, can the dirt not have gravel in it?

<3 Ebony

Why Jump?

I still get questions as to why I decided to make my exit in radio. Side note: broadcasting, whether it be television or radio is NOT off the market for me; it was for the interim for me to move, but there will not be a final goodbye; at least, not for a long time.  For those who don't know, I was a radio and television personality for 11 years, since I was 18 years-old. I loved the path that God took me on when it came to being an on-air talent and having my own shows that successfully grabbed high ratings in whatever market I was in. So why leave it? That cushion? The world of entertainment, which was my world for a majority of my life?

Broadcasting as a talent was literally ALL that I knew. 

It wasn't easy to take that leap of faith. I struggled with it many times when God revealed to me that it was my time to leave and move to Los Angeles. He wanted me to move to a city that I adored. He wanted me to move with no job, no place to live, no money, with no security EXCEPT that God's got me. Sounds nuts, but I did it, I was able to see what I was able to do WITHOUT a crutch.  When I finally moved, I realized that this move was no different from the ones prior. I've done this before so why was LA so scary?

So back on subject, why jump? 

Because now, I can look back at the past year and smile at this amazing beginning that God has granted me....again. What I thought was the end, aka leaving all that I knew in broadcasting, it was only the beginning. I've written two full movie scripts that are in circulation (working on a third),  I finished an original comedy series aimed for TV or a Netflix type broadcast, I landed one of many dream jobs as a full-time freelance writer for an amazing company and,I have a few more loose ends that are tightening up that I can't share just yet (but it's major news).

I make jumps because I refuse to say "what if?"

 I bitched, cried, doubted, got mad, screamed and lost my shit. I want to make sure that you understand, that I still go through those moments of emotions. It wasn't just a one-time thing then poof I'm healed. I wish it were the case. At the end of it all, this beginning is going to lead to so many things.

I know some of you are wanting me back in broadcasting and that is something I will never escape and don't plan on leaving for good. In God's perfect timing I will be back in it. Hmm...maybe THAT might be my major news that I can't share with you? Never know ;)

<3 Ebony 

Say YES to Yourself!

After I had a little mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I realized the importance of many things. Today I want to share the importance of saying YES to yourself.

When you say YES to yourself, you're saying no to your fears. 

There's plenty of things to be scared of in this world. That's crazy to say after psychologists have discovered that we were only born with two fears, 1. falling and 2. loud noises. So where did the other fears come from?  We created those fears, so since we created them we can easily defeat them. 

Here's something that you might find silly and hard to believe. Despite always being in the spotlight, having to host events and be in front of crowds as big as 20k, I had a fear of going to major events alone. Seems strange given my background and the fact that I go everywhere alone. It's different when it's in a social setting. I had a very important event to go too the other day, a lot of heavy hitters were there and I was determined to meet as many as I could. After all, we knew OF one another just have never met. 

The moment I decided to attend this event, the days leading up to it, I was overcome with such anxiety. It was bad, I got the shakes, felt like my gut was going to drop from my body, my mind was telling me how horrible it would be and how I would mess it up. So many things were going on. Then I started reading the word of God. I started to share these thoughts with someone I trusted. It was then revealed to me, that I AM bigger than my fears. 

I sucked it up and went to the event. I was alone, had a great time and didn't get a chance to meet anyone that I set my sights on meeting. I went home very disappointed and even expressed that to Papa (God). The Holy Spirit came over me as loud as can be, which is strange because he usually whispers, anywho he said this: 

You misunderstood the purpose of the event. 

It wasn't so that you could meet a specific person, 

the purpose was so you can defeat your fear. 

I sat for a moment and honed in on that voice. I took my time to realize what I just did and how that was big for me. I did something that I usually avoid and once I was there, my fear no longer existed. Starting today, I want you to try and tackle your fear. It's time for you to reach your full potential and be unstoppable. Don't wait for the New Year for a New You, do that now, start today. 

Face that fear and make it submit to you, don't submit to it. 

<3 Ebony 

The Beauty of Panic : GOD WHERE ARE YOU?!

I laughed really hard when I read the title of this blog out loud. The Beauty of Panic! What maniac finds beauty in being panicked? What person in their right mind actually likes the heart-pounding, forehead sweating, gut-wrenching, almost get a heart attack freak out mode like one caused by panic?

Well, I guess you can say, that I do. 

Now hear me out, I hate panic when I'm in the middle of it. When I'm in a season where I have no idea what's going on and where to turn. When I have to wait on God, but then I can't hear God. I can't feel God. I start to doubt that he's even there. I start to think,

Does God really love me? Does He hear my cries? 

I mean, because if He hears my cries, then He's bound to come and rescue me.... right? He's bound to come down from the heavens himself, pull me out of the darkness and put me in a field of flowers and prayers answered.... right?

WRONG! 

I like to think that he gets a kick out of my temper tantrums. The moment when I have the nerve to pray big and bold but freak out when turmoil comes. I start to cry and scream GOD WHYY?! and He laughs and is probably like, Eb, my child. I'm preparing you for what you asked for. I can hear him saying that in the midst of me screaming bloody murder and throwing myself on the floor.

I can laugh at this now but over the weekend and even yesterday, 

I went as far as questioning if God is really real. 

That my friend is how DEEP I am. That is how DEEP this turmoil is. That is how DEEP my pain goes. That is how DEEP in shit I am, and how lonely I feel during this time. You get to a place where you're gasping for air and you know how to swim (pray) but you keep flopping around (not praying). You keep screaming for help and asking God where are you?! When in fact, he gave you a lifeline (the Bible). When in fact he extended that lifeline to me (gave me two friends, who prayed over me). When in fact he kept extending that lifeline (my two friends who prayed for me sent me scripts that pertained to my current struggle) But instead of those lifelines, I kept my eyes shut and kept crying for help.

How many of us cry for help but are to blind to get past our selfish thoughts to notice that help is literally right in front of us? That God will NEVER give us something that we can't handle. He gives us our battles because we are created to defeat them. He gave us our struggles because only WE can move past them. My two friends who were there for me, they can't fight this. They can help equip me though. They can allow God to use them to get to me in a way that God knows they can so I can understand.

That's exactly what he's doing. 

So in the middle of my panic, and I'm still a little panicky, he is RIGHT there with me. And Even though it may seem like he's not there with you. It might seem like he doesn't care. It might seem like he has left you, my friend he has not for it is written:

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified 

because of them, the Lord your God goes with you, 

he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you

- Deuteronomy 31: 6

<3 Ebony

Level Up Challenge!

#LevelUpChallenge @ciara #LevelUp pic.twitter.com/QnLiX1XZoB

— Ebony Williams (@ebonyonair) July 24, 2018

#LevelUp Season baby! My 3 ways I plan to Level Up this year! Tell me your 1-3 ways you plan to Level Up! #MotivationalMonday

A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on Jul 23, 2018 at 9:39am PDT

The Heat of Realization

I've been in this state, where it's a mix of frustration and faith. I sound completely crazy for bunching those two words in the same sentence. How can I have faith but still be frustrated? To answer that question, I have no idea. Maybe, I figure, that because it's frustration and that I'm not doubtful, that it's different. Maybe, I'm convincing myself that my frustrations are because I'm so faithful. Now, that's a thought I can get behind.

For me, that's true. I'm frustrated because I'm faithful. Today, we had the start of another heat wave in Los Angeles. When I was leaving my producing job and headed home, I touched my steering wheel and couldn't help but cuss. I might be a little dramatic with this one, but I think I heard the skin on my hand sizzle. So I cussed as I made my way into my backpack and pulled out my workout gloves.

I placed my hands on the steering wheel again, when, I heard God speak to me.  "The heat isn't why you're mad now, is it?" I took a deep sigh because no, the heat wasn't why I was mad and quick to get so angry. I knew this heat wave was coming, what was I to expect? I was frustrated and mad because God gave me a glimpse as to where I'm supposed to be and I'm not there.

The frustrations filled my mind and it all came rushing to me as if I were hanging upside down and the blood was shooting straight to my head. I took a deep breath and remembered all the prayers that God has answered. Even the prayer that took ten years for a yes, aka. my move to Los Angeles. I started to think of all the major prayers I've prayed and how God answered them in his perfect timing. I recalled how at ease and at peace I am after I pray my giant bold prayers to him.

The heat made me realize that, yes, I may be frustrated. Yes, I might get angry at times, but misplaced anger never helps you solve the real problem until you're willing to face what the issue is. I wasn't just frustrated, but I was frustrated with God. After admitting that, he checked me and helped me remember all my impossible prayers I've prayed that he made possible.

I like being humbled by him. I like being reminded and reminding myself of what he can do and what he will do. So now, I sit on the 405N smiling. People around me think I'm insane for being so happy in the dead of rush hour. Where a 20-minute car ride has turned into an hour and a half road trip. I sit in the crazy traffic, with Semi-trucks dominating the lanes ahead of me, people honking their horns and so on, and I thank God for always having my back and coming through.

So you might be in the dead of the heat and need your reality check too. If so, just remember all the prayers you've prayed and think about the ones that he's honored. Keep track of these things too, keep a prayer journal like me. Creating your own Psalms and read back on your journey from time to time. It's easier to pinpoint where God's moving in your life if you keep a record of your deepest desires, thoughts, worries, trials, and triumphs.


<3 Ebony

Poem: Indecisive Mountaintops

Strange title.... I know it is.
I was on the phone with my sister and we came up with it.
Not knowing what to write, or what thought to grab.
I sat on the couch with laptop in hand.
I listened to the people outside my window.
The lady yelling at her kids.
Her kids laughing back at her.
Her car doors slamming shut
Her horn honking uncontrollably.

Then,
it's silent. 

Silent long enough for the wind to make its mark.
Write about mountain tops! My sister yells on the phone.
The silence was broken by her energetic advice.
So much so that it ruined my silent mind.
The moment of peace has left beside me.
I now see a white living room, and my roommate sitting next to me.
The cars are in abundance.
The kids crying are in excess.
The noises are loud and they keep getting louder.
Now a firetruck is blasting through the neighborhood.

Mountaintops. Is all I can think of.

Those pointy things, some with snow and animals living on them.
Others are green, still cold but a distant destination.

Mountaintops. They take me back to Alaska.

Anchorage, Alaska is where I'm from.
Waking up, to look outside, to see that Alaska is a state that God
created from his perfect eye.
The air, the animals, the fresh water.
The scenery, the food, the ability to be.
That is the Alaska where I found me.
Myself is what I mean.

Mountaintops......
I can see it now.

<3 Ebony 

Poem: Brainwaves and Thoughts

I get a little confused at times. My brain, it makes me think strangely at times.
Strangely might not be the perfect word. But what is perfect in this world?
I wait for the communication to take place. For you to notice me.
I wait for the recognition. For you to give me the once-over.
I wait for you. You notice.
You always do. I also notice too.
What are you doing to me? I hear it all.
That stuck with me, like rain in the fall.
It was crisp and sweet. It brought warmth and comfort.
It made me realize that you do see me. Not in a typical way.
I hope not in that way. But instead, in a,  more of you want it too way.
I hope that's what you mean. We'll see.
I want too. I want it. I want you.
But the way my brain has me thinking. Is how can it even happen?
God is mysterious. Like the heart. Like feelings. Like actions.
Like the words, we're afraid to say to one another. Words like, I like you and no other.
Like the confirmation that's needed in order for something to go forward.
We hate those conversations. But, they need to happen.
That awkward conversation. The need for representation.
Of the emotions. They need to be categorized.
We simply can't just let it be. Society wants to know.
I want to know. We need to know.
How far should it go? Where do we start? How does it end?
You see, I have so many questions in my head.
We want what we can't have. Or we want but are afraid to ask.
I'm afraid to ask. So I sit and watch you.
The rejection is something my heart can't take. So why risk it?
Let it be fate that decides for me. Or let it be you to make the move.
I pray for the courage. You're too beautiful to approach.
But I see you. You'll never go unnoticed to me.

<3 Ebony

Poem: Tummy Turns

We have a disconnect.
I don't like it.
I like when I'm with you.
I like when I'm near you.
I love when I'm under you.
I hate the distance.

Whether by a few miles or across the country,
I hate the disconnect.
I love the conversations.
I love my wild expectations.
I love your unique persuasion.
I hate the silence.

We have unspoken promises,
of what we want with one another.
With how we treat each other.
Do we dare call us lovers?
I hate the unknown.

Whether by a yes or a no.
I hate the guessing game.
Especially with another wordsmith.
It leaves no room for self-righteousness.
Because we call each other out on the bull shit.
I hate that you're not mine.

We have a rule in line.
At least, I think it's set in time.
As in, we will see what transpires of this.
Just, for now, I'll put it on my wish list.'
I ache for you.
I hate not having you.

By: Ebony Williams

Poem: The Light of Darkness

The natural highlight.
The elimination of my skin.
The light and essence that it omits.
The shimmer in the way that it hits.

The sun, it's beautiful.
Harmful.
Sensual.
Scary.
Soothing.
Ghastly.

Divided are my feelings towards the light
that's meant to shine nothing but
brightness in my life.
But even the light brings darkness.

As we hide from her glorious rays.
Dive into known ways.
Of darkness or
is it comfort?
Or is it so familiar that the darkness is the comfort?

Our comfort of peace.
Not of the mind but
of the heart and in time it circulates the universe.

She comes back around so strong and sound this time.
She doesn't hide because she is light
We hide because her light is bright and we have no idea how to handle it.
so we hide.
Into the darkness.

Pack our thoughts and enter the cave.
Put on the cloak of emotionless waves.
Strapped on the boots worn by slaves.
Head held down, we are not brave.

Instead, we're weak.

What is it with the light and darkness?
The light of darkness?
There is always light in darkness
we just have to be brave enough to find it.

By: Ebony Williams

Late Nights

Hits the blunt... take it in.. sit in the smoke little baby and relax.

As the pain moves through me, as strong as the blood that's in my veins.
I sit back and see you through the smoke, I took a hit deep and choked.
You laughed a little, as I played it off.

Off to the sky, mile high, hypnotized, memorized by your eyes.
They weren't looking at me though, it was at your phone.
Sucked into business of pleasure or business, my mind is racing.

Where did you come from?

Hits the blunt.. you walk out the room... I sit in the smoke and breathe.

The clock is loud. The hands are moving slow, or maybe it's my mind.
It plays tricks on me sometimes. My mind that is, such a mysterious thing.
But a blessing to be created.

So I sit there, hit the blunt... you walk in the room.. I pass it to you.

How you feeling little baby? You said to me.
I smile and lean in, you kiss and I lean back.
Late nights are the best nights.

<3 Ebony

There's Lower Than Rock Bottom

You know the old saying that once you hit rock bottom there's no where else but up? I, like most of you, are one who can contest that, that's a lie. I've hit rock bottom once in my life. I was living in my car for one of those moments had nothing to eat for a few weeks, no income, no friends; it was scary.

This time, it's different. Not just by how it happened, but by how I'm dealing with it. Being homeless seems to be a repetitive thing for me. I'm the type that no matter what, will make her dreams come true. That no matter the circumstances, will make it happen. So this time around instead of freaking out fully, I've taken more time to sit back and reflect. Not on why these situations happen because I know why. For me, it always happens when I get comfortable and ignore when God is telling me to move. So, he makes me move....

Instead, I think of why it happened, the prayers I've been praying, the moves I've been making and I say thank you; but not at first, I wish I could admit that I took this nicely, but no. I was upset, sad, angry, mad, frustrated and everything else; I even confided in a friend on whether or not God truly loves me, or if he cares. Yeah, I went that deep with it, and I'm not ashamed for it either.

As I sit here listening to a mix of Jay Z, Nas, Nipsey, Snoop and Big K.R.I.T, I take on full responsibility. I can't be angry at something when I've been asking God for something much bigger and I'm not moving for him to make it happen. As I get my head in order from what's happening, from tires blowing out while I'm driving, to losing a so called friend that was a wolf in sheep clothing, to moving into a new place, to being an emotional train wreck that takes any small thing and turning into a massacre; I'm doing better with this situation.

If we don't take time to breathe and love on ourselves, no one else will. 

I also take this time to be alone. I could easily be with a man at this moment. Someone who I truly like and see a future with because it'll be easy. Easy to mask how I feel and want him to love on me to give me a quick fix. I think at times, we don't know that we do that. We run to someone or something that's our comfort zone during our deepest problems, because it enables us to deal with it alone. It makes sure that we mask that pain with a momentary happiness. The moment that comfort zone has to leave or direct their attention to something else, we feel like shit all over. Why? because we never dealt with the issue, we just substituted it. 

I really do love these situations, because with each storm comes rain. That rain waters all the seeds that I have planted in the soil. I'm excited for my bloom, my harvest, my reaping. 

I've mastered that art of knowing when I need to take a break. I'm always on the go, from putting out a new book, to writing a new screen play, to working in radio or television, to photo-shoots, to moving cross country and much more. I now know, when I need to have a seat and breathe. This is one of those times where I need to take a day for me. A day of whatever I want, maybe a praise hike where I can cry and sing Christian songs, a visit to the beach where I could read or sit and watch the waves and God's creation, or maybe even start a new series  that I've been wanting to start for awhile now. Maybe today is full of all those things? I think it will be. 

My message to you my friend, take some time for you. You deserve it. Love yourself. 

<3 Ebony 

Your Light

Believe it or not, we all have a light. Whether you chose to let that light shine or not is up to you. I didn't realize that by using my light in almost every situation that it would mean a lot to other people. I'm a people person, and I love to be around people I know and those don't. I love the people who are stand off-ish, people who love to hug, people who love to hide, and people who love to talk. Watching people and seeing how they move, seeing how they lie, seeing what makes them uncomfortable is interesting to me. Odds are I'm that wierdo on the bench at the mall smiling at strangers as they walk by.

I speak and say hello to those who make eye contact with me, for some, this is some type of weird act to say hello to a stranger. I ask how you're doing and truly care to listen if the answer isn't "I'm great!", which of course is out of the norm, "What someone who actually cares? What is wrong with this human?"

By being myself, and never changing no matter where I live or what job I have, I'm happy. I truly love me, and what I show despite how others might receive it, is true to who I am. Recently, I've been told almost on a daily basis how my energy is amazing. How it's hypnotizing and draws you in. Someone asked me, how I do it? What's my secret to being this way, and honestly it's all about self love and not caring what others think of you.

I know that a smile, a hug, a door hold, a hello, a "hey nice shirt" can go a long way. I'm aware that you never know what the other person is going through and by you being nice it can change their whole attitude for the day. I've met some miserable, sour people; and when I choose to give a compliment to them, even knowing that their face says "do not speak to me", their posture changes. They smile, their shoulders drop, their chest opens up and they seem a little easier.

So when you're out, think about how you're using your light. Know that others can see it, and you can make a difference in plenty of peoples lives if you use it for the better.

<3 Ebony

The Lesson of Appreciation

You know, for so many years I've been a little jealous of those who knew how to appreciate things. It may sound silly, but whether you're a person who appreciates friends, family, current situations, the ups, the downs and everything in between; I was jealous of you. Here I am someone who was always on the go. I always had my future and where I wanted to be in my mind. In every state I lived, at every job I was blessed to have, I always wanted the next best thing. Problem with that is, that I was missing some of the best things in the moment.

I never sat and truly thought about why God brought me to a certain place at a certain time. 

I don't know why that was what it was. It maybe because I already knew where I was going to be and what I was going to do. It might have been my inability to be happy knowing that better was out there. It could have been that I simply was unappreciative. Which my friend, is true, I was very unappreciative. I now look back at all that I've done and I'm proud of my achievements, but I'm not proud of the fun that I missed.

I was so focused on working, going to school, making sure that everything was lined up that I missed out on key events of certain friendships. I decided to work very hard and to make sure my shows were top in the market. I decided to put out one book after another and write two more that I have yet to release instead of, going to a club and being able to share that "inside joke". I decided to be submerged in my writing of scripts that I missed out on drunken nights that wouldn't have been remembered the next day.

Although I do love where I'm at and what I sacrificed to get here; I do wish that I lived in the moment at certain times. This has taught me to love and appreciate all those around me right now. Because of what I missed out on, this has taught me how to be a better friend. Because of how far I've come, this has taught me that taking a break isn't a bad thing. After all, what a good friend told me makes perfect sense:

What God has for you will forever be yours. 

So although I'm a little sad that I missed certain things, I'm also proud of how it's helped me be who I am today. My hope for you is that as you chase those dreams, as you decide to follow your heart that you also love where you're at. I hope that you take a seat, a real seat, and look around you. I hope that you look at your friends and family and love them. I hope that you give yourself a break and live every once and awhile. I hope that you love life even when you're struggling to get to your destiny.

You will make it to your dreams, why not have a little fun on the way? 

<3 Ebony

Happy Valentine's Day!

Why hello love!

I know, I know, today is Valentine's Day and for most of us singles it's a day we dread. A day where we're reminded that we're single, that no one will buy us flowers and candies or take us out for dinner. But you know what? I love Valentine's Day and I'm always single on V-Day and here's why.

Everyone else is happy! I run into plenty of people who are hopeless romantics and who are in relationships and they're smiling and say HI! Even though, I'm not among the blessed few to have someone like them enough to be in a relationship, I am however part of the few who love the idea of love.

So if you're a bitter Betty and hate this day just because you're single, please look in your heart and know that you are loved. It might not be from a significant other, but it's from your family and friends.

<3 Ebony

Love Yourself

As I'm on my growth journey in Christ and in life, I've read countless times in books, articles, blogs, watched in sermons and motivational speeches a key part in a lot of people's success. Something I learned and wanted to share with you, it's pretty easy to say, but so hard for some of us to do. Are you ready? Here's one key to the happiness....

Love yourself...

Seems easy right? Well, a few years back, when I was living in Texas, I started my re-commitment to God. In that came an extensive amount of reading material, hence why it's easy for me to read and retain a new book a week. Love yourself, of course we love ourselves, but do we

 Forgive ourselves?

You see, personally, I wasn't struggling with loving myself, I was struggling with forgiving myself. I love me, but at times I hate the things I've done, the words I've said, the people I've hurt, the things I've done and said to myself. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Man, if only there was a legit answer for that question. 

So I did some digging a few years back. It required me to be in total isolation, which was perfect because I just moved to a new state so being alone during that time was a piece of cake. What I wasn't ready for were the layers that God would reveal to me about myself. I wasn't ready to relive my pain or hurts but I had to in order to learn forgiveness. I wasn't ready to see my mirror that was dirty because when you grow out of who you were, why do you want to see the dirt again? Most importantly, I wasn't ready to be alone. 

But God needed me for himself.

It was a deep therapy session with God and a real therapy group that helped shape me into this woman I am today. When I was visiting my sister in Seattle, I met with an old "friend" when I was listening to him, I realized why he's meant to stay in the past. That's when I came into this very important lesson. 

Not everyone you lose contact with is meant to be in your present life. 

I was listening to him tell me how I used to be. Question why I don't think certain things are humorous (because they were very childlike) how I wasn't able to do this and do that and etc. The question I asked myself during that dinner, was why in the hell am I sitting here with someone who clearly has not grown? What makes it worse, he's almost ten years older than me. 

In the process of loving myself, finding myself and doing everything possible to get closer to God, I'm starting to understand not only my purpose but that people truly do have seasons. I'm okay with the seasons that we shared. I'm okay with randomly thinking of a memory and praying for that person who was a friend at one time. I'm okay with that. It's obvious that we're I'm at now and where I'm going, those seasons are not meant to be carried over. 

It took a while for me to see that, holding onto people and things that I needed to let be. The moment I realized that it is what it is and I loved what it was, is the moment I started to love and truly appreciate the three friendships that I have now. I mean true friends, not acquaintances, not co-workers, real genuine friendships. 

I became more in love with life, God and Myself when I learned to 

Love Myself for all that I am. It allowed me to love others for who they are.

<3 Ebony 

Confidence

First blog of the new year! I've been struggling on what to share with you. There' s been so much going on, that I haven't a clue on where to start. So, as I sit here thinking about some things, going over past conversations and listening to some sermons, I came up with the perfect blog.

Confidence

Many of us claim to have it.  While those who lose it also lose site of their dreams. Do you know how many people stop chasing their dreams because they have no confidence that it'll happen for them? The very thought of that makes me sad. What also makes me said is the old saying that the richest place in the world is the graveyard. Imagine all the inventions and ideas that were buried with the person who thought it because they never had the confidence to pursue it.

As we're going into the new year, I pray that you have so much confidence that the devil runs away from you. My hope is that you will start that business, chase that dream, tell that person that you love them, go back to school, make amends with those that hurt you, forgive, love yourself, and most importantly live your life.

Life is short, so make the most of it

When I rediscovered my confidence, I truly became unstoppable. I was already in a place to where great things were happening for me, but with confidence it actually happened. For me confidence in myself is great but confidence in Papa (God) is much more important. Knowing that he will provide and living a life that proves that you trust him is hard. Hence why I took that leap, dropped all I was known for and moved to where my heart has always been.

The road you choose will never be easy. No matter if you decide to play it safe or decide to go balls to the walls with it. Seeing how it's not easy on either path, wouldn't you want to choose the one that tugs at your heart? The one that you've so desperately wanted to do? That path that deep down makes you excited with the endless possibilities when it comes to using your talent? I know I would.

Let's have an amazing 2018. Many of you email me or direct message me on social media for prayers, don't be afraid to keep contacting me. I love praying for and with you, we can get through this thing called life together.

<3 Ebony