Struggles With Faith

I get so many messages, whether they're from social media or directly to my cell phone pertaining too how "strong" my faith is. I'm so sorry, but, I have to insert the biggest eye roll here. My reason for that is simple, I might seem strong but I've very human and weak.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  

Do not be frightened, and not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go. " 

Joshua 1:9

I have to recite this verse along with plenty of others because the struggle bus with faith is real. Truth is, following Jesus is great! What people don't tell you, is that when you make that decision, you have to be ready for the trials that come with it. It's not a walk in the park, actually, walking with Christ was never meant to be. Hell, it wasn't easy for Jesus to be Jesus and walk the walk that he talks, so why would we think it'll be easy for us? 

"Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually" 

1 Chronicles 16:11

Yes, reading my blogs, watching my videos, logging onto my social media accounts is great. It shows purpose, some form of obedience, growth and happiness. This is what triggers my messages, "how can I be like you?" or "how can I experience this type of joy?"  or "I admire what God is doing in your life, I want him to do the same in mine." 

Those messages make me happy, however, let's get real. 

What you don't see, is the struggle between those blessings. You don't see my break downs. You don't experience my massive weight loss or hair loss because of stress. You don't see the nights slept in cars, couches or days without food. You don't know that I have more spiritual attacks from the devil more now than ever. You might not understand the level of restless nights, one week I slept once for three hours, the rest of the days I was wide awake. Or the nights when I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. 

Trusting God is not easy. 

I have to learn to let go and let God. It's an old cliche, but it's true. Trusting God requires you to be put in the most awkward, uncomfortable situations ever. It causes Him to move in a way that hurts at first but, it's for the greater good. If you want Him to move in your life, you have to expect things to be moved around or moved out. You can't have your cake and eat it too with Him, you go all in or not at all. He wants all of you, not part of you.  Have you ever tried to make a cake with just the powder and nothing else? That's what having a half-assed faith life is like.

"What's one thing that happened to you that we don't know?"  Question via Instagram

Not to long ago, a few weeks actually, I experienced the most painful paralyzation ever. One morning I woke up and couldn't feel my legs. I was confined to the bed and had no one to call. I was going to call 9-1-1 (non-emergency line) but I managed to drop my phone. It rolled under a bed that easily sat up a good 4 feet high. I was stuck, in pain, unable to move no matter how hard I tried. I stayed like that for almost two days. 

Before that, I was getting the inclination to rest and relax. Something that I heavily ignored. When it became a little bearable to walk, the pain lasted for months. I still have the pain, it's something I'm currently getting fixed. Instead of posting about it, complaining, crying to social media I decided to pray. I was angry and frustrated with God that he allowed this to happen but, in the end I understand.  

How is the road treating me now? 

I'm now in a position to where I'm comfortable enough to tell God, that if what I want isn't what He wants then to please align my heart with His will. After all, I'm living my life with my talents for Him. I'm moving in way that gives Him all the praise. So, if He wants me to move a certain way, I don't hesitate. When. I decided to give my life to Him, was the day that my life was no longer mine, I was choosing to live in honor of Him. 

The reason I wrote this post, and why I'm so open is because I want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle. I want you to know that every person who decides to follow God or whatever being you call Him, doesn't have it easy. We all have issues and are going through something. Even the shiniest of celebrities that some of you love have it tough. 

I know it's hard, don't give up. If you feel like you're about too, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm one prayer request away. Praying for and with others is something that I'm passionate about, it's one assignment I will never neglect. 

<3 Ebony 

Say YES to Yourself!

After I had a little mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I realized the importance of many things. Today I want to share the importance of saying YES to yourself.

When you say YES to yourself, you're saying no to your fears. 

There's plenty of things to be scared of in this world. That's crazy to say after psychologists have discovered that we were only born with two fears, 1. falling and 2. loud noises. So where did the other fears come from?  We created those fears, so since we created them we can easily defeat them. 

Here's something that you might find silly and hard to believe. Despite always being in the spotlight, having to host events and be in front of crowds as big as 20k, I had a fear of going to major events alone. Seems strange given my background and the fact that I go everywhere alone. It's different when it's in a social setting. I had a very important event to go too the other day, a lot of heavy hitters were there and I was determined to meet as many as I could. After all, we knew OF one another just have never met. 

The moment I decided to attend this event, the days leading up to it, I was overcome with such anxiety. It was bad, I got the shakes, felt like my gut was going to drop from my body, my mind was telling me how horrible it would be and how I would mess it up. So many things were going on. Then I started reading the word of God. I started to share these thoughts with someone I trusted. It was then revealed to me, that I AM bigger than my fears. 

I sucked it up and went to the event. I was alone, had a great time and didn't get a chance to meet anyone that I set my sights on meeting. I went home very disappointed and even expressed that to Papa (God). The Holy Spirit came over me as loud as can be, which is strange because he usually whispers, anywho he said this: 

You misunderstood the purpose of the event. 

It wasn't so that you could meet a specific person, 

the purpose was so you can defeat your fear. 

I sat for a moment and honed in on that voice. I took my time to realize what I just did and how that was big for me. I did something that I usually avoid and once I was there, my fear no longer existed. Starting today, I want you to try and tackle your fear. It's time for you to reach your full potential and be unstoppable. Don't wait for the New Year for a New You, do that now, start today. 

Face that fear and make it submit to you, don't submit to it. 

<3 Ebony 

The Beauty of Panic : GOD WHERE ARE YOU?!

I laughed really hard when I read the title of this blog out loud. The Beauty of Panic! What maniac finds beauty in being panicked? What person in their right mind actually likes the heart-pounding, forehead sweating, gut-wrenching, almost get a heart attack freak out mode like one caused by panic?

Well, I guess you can say, that I do. 

Now hear me out, I hate panic when I'm in the middle of it. When I'm in a season where I have no idea what's going on and where to turn. When I have to wait on God, but then I can't hear God. I can't feel God. I start to doubt that he's even there. I start to think,

Does God really love me? Does He hear my cries? 

I mean, because if He hears my cries, then He's bound to come and rescue me.... right? He's bound to come down from the heavens himself, pull me out of the darkness and put me in a field of flowers and prayers answered.... right?

WRONG! 

I like to think that he gets a kick out of my temper tantrums. The moment when I have the nerve to pray big and bold but freak out when turmoil comes. I start to cry and scream GOD WHYY?! and He laughs and is probably like, Eb, my child. I'm preparing you for what you asked for. I can hear him saying that in the midst of me screaming bloody murder and throwing myself on the floor.

I can laugh at this now but over the weekend and even yesterday, 

I went as far as questioning if God is really real. 

That my friend is how DEEP I am. That is how DEEP this turmoil is. That is how DEEP my pain goes. That is how DEEP in shit I am, and how lonely I feel during this time. You get to a place where you're gasping for air and you know how to swim (pray) but you keep flopping around (not praying). You keep screaming for help and asking God where are you?! When in fact, he gave you a lifeline (the Bible). When in fact he extended that lifeline to me (gave me two friends, who prayed over me). When in fact he kept extending that lifeline (my two friends who prayed for me sent me scripts that pertained to my current struggle) But instead of those lifelines, I kept my eyes shut and kept crying for help.

How many of us cry for help but are to blind to get past our selfish thoughts to notice that help is literally right in front of us? That God will NEVER give us something that we can't handle. He gives us our battles because we are created to defeat them. He gave us our struggles because only WE can move past them. My two friends who were there for me, they can't fight this. They can help equip me though. They can allow God to use them to get to me in a way that God knows they can so I can understand.

That's exactly what he's doing. 

So in the middle of my panic, and I'm still a little panicky, he is RIGHT there with me. And Even though it may seem like he's not there with you. It might seem like he doesn't care. It might seem like he has left you, my friend he has not for it is written:

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified 

because of them, the Lord your God goes with you, 

he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you

- Deuteronomy 31: 6

<3 Ebony

Happy New Year!

Why hello love! Happy New Year! I hope you brought it in, in an amazing way.

As we start 2017 some might have resolutions, others are going to wing it and some are like Mr.Scrooge and "bah humbug" it. A part of me wanted to do all those things. Then as I sat in my house, getting dolled up for New Years Eve, I had a moment with God, Papa as I call him that I would love to share with you.

We talked about everything that I had overcome and accomplished in 2016. All the negative and rude people that I encountered along the way and how it strengthened me. All the doubt that people around me created when it came to my goals of graduating college and so much more. We talked about my journey of FORGIVENESS to ALL that have hurt me and some that are continuously trying to hurt me. I have to admit, talking to Papa ruined my make-up but for him, it's worth it.

Happy New Years Eve! I pray that your 2017 will be filled with blessings and amazing adventures! Dm me if you would like a prayer you know I have your back 😉😚 be safe tonight and have fun! #nye

A photo posted by Ebony Williams (@ebonyonair) on Dec 31, 2016 at 5:26pm PST

I promised myself that after an amazing self growth phase that 2016 was for me, that in 2017 will be full of more growth.

For you, I pray that all your resolutions and deepest desires come true. I hope that you concur that fear, step out on a limb and chase your dreams, find self love within yourself and love this great thing called life.

A good friend shared this scripture with me :

Isaiah 40:30: 

 but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Transparency

Everyone has a story; not everyone chooses to tell their story. For me, I want to tell my stories because I have nothing to hide, I don't mind, and I understand the platform I'm on so it can be beneficial to others. One thing that comes along with this type of transparency is that I open myself up to criticisms and judgment from people who know absolutely nothing about me.

After talking with my father and other great people in my life, they had some amazing words of wisdom when it comes to people hating on you. Now, I've experienced haters before; that is nothing new to me whether it comes because I'm further in my career, or I finished school, or I'm in killer shape and so on; however, I haven't experienced one who has no reason not to like me. . All of which has been exposed to the fact of jealousy, envy, intimidation and insecurity that this other person possess. At first, I didn't believe these things to be true because we are two different people, two different identities and frankly two different unique styles. That was until I spoke with people who know this person, and the things they shared was very insightful.

For me, this is a genuine case of "it's not me it's you."Once I got that through my head, thanks to those around me,  I'm no longer hurt, irritated or upset that this person who knows nothing but chooses to judge; is simply lost and hurting herself. So I cannot blame them for taking everything (even if it's nice) the wrong way, I cannot blame them for sucking their teeth when people comment me, I can't blame them for the eye rolls when people say hi to me, I can't blame them for being an ass because honestly they are so ugly on the inside that's all that shows on the outside.

Being insecure is a serious issue. It ruins relationships, work related, personal, etc. the list goes on. The only thing you can do is kill them with kindness like you've been doing because any other emotion requires too much energy that they don't deserve. Now be warned, that this will make them hate you more, and for that greet with open arms. Here are a few great quotes from my friends and father who I talked to about my experience with someone like this:



"The Lord is testing your strength! Don't let the enemy get the best of you, honey!" - Jo Jo

"Unfortunately, this is a girl who is reverting to childish antics and lashing out at you out of jealousy" - Daddy

"Insecurity leads to pride, which can lead to being opinionated and having to be right. Often accompanied by control issues and low self-esteem which lead one to lash out at positive people" - ND

"Continue to be nice and let God use you" - NS

"You are one of the most amazing persons I have ever met with the best personality and biggest heart, for other who don't have that quality it's hard to like someone who does" -JJ

The Power....

We've all heard it before; forgiveness is an essential part of life. Forgiveness is not for the other person; it's for you and so on. How many of us believe that is the truth the first time we heard it? Now, how many of us believe it to be true after we chose to forgive?

I would say, that at first in this journey of life, I wasn't quick to forgive. Instead, I would marinate like a steak overnight; I would sit in a pit of sadness which would lead to anger and then irrational thinking. I would allow myself to be overtaken by this feeling of grief all because of someone else. Then I would have excuses as to why I felt this way; it was always because so and so did this or that. The truth is, yes so and so did this and that and yes they hurt me and yes they scared me and yes it has caused me to have my guard up. I cannot control what someone else does; however, I can control what I do next and what happens after that. Everything that happens after we've been hurt happens because of the next card we pull from the deck. You can sit in sorrow, you can be mad and pissed off at the world, but what does that bring to you after? More hurt, shame, hate? Is it truly worth it?

That is why people say to forgive others because it truly does set you free. Emotions are one hell of a thing to deal with, and they all have consequences. I found that the power of forgiveness was the reason for my current state of mind, success and happiness. I no longer hate the people who hurt me, who lied to me, who back-stabbed me, who cheated on me, who physically assaulted me, who sexually assaulted me, who didn't believe me, who blamed me, who doubted me and who made me feel less than the queen that I know I am now. Instead of hating, allowing my blood to boil to a point of red faces and high blood pressure medication, I choose to pray for them and continued healing of forgiveness in my heart.

It's so easy to be overruled by emotions and self-pity all because so and so did this and that. It's time to love yourself and take charge of your life, and one of those first steps comes from forgiveness. Not for the other person, because you deserve to live the best life possible.

<3 Ebony

God Speaks

He spoke to me the moment I woke up. I was getting ready to leave he said "Grab the Bible" so I did.... Got into my car and was getting ready to play my music he said "turn it off and talk to me"... So I did, I confessed many things, issues, doubts, struggles and pain. Asked for him to heal me in may ways etc... and about 10 minutes ago he said "Joshua" So I sat there for a minute, kept repeating "Joshua" in my head. Then I looked at the corner of my desk and remembered that I brought the bible to work today. So I opened it to that chapter and he said "read, you'll know when to stop" So what did I do? Well I read as instructed.  

Joshua Chapter 1 verse 9. Now all I can do is smile. This helped me,  this might help you too.