Goodbye 2017

Oh what a year 2017 was. It was full of self discovery. Full of  me pushing my limits. Full of me doing what we all should do, taking time to love yourself.

I have no complaints for 2017. I kicked ass in radio yet again, I have ratings to prove so. I learned to love and let it go. I've learned to love my body and be comfortable with every scar, bump, fat bulge and more. Most importantly 2017 was the year when I finally decided to say fuck you to what others want for me and HELLO to what I wanted for me.

You only live once, so live for you. 

I've realized that I am a badass and no one should be able to tell me otherwise. I've seen my faults and that I'm really harsh not just on myself but on those that I love. I'm silent with my judgement but boy was I judgmental! I've learned to truly forgive and the power that it holds to let go and chose to love instead.

I've taken my mirror and looked at the dirty reflection and
 loved the process of cleaning it up. 

I took the giant leap of faith and moved to Los Angels. It was a plan well in the mix when I was six years old and told my dad where I was going to live. As of March 2017 it became a reality and it finally happened in August 2017. When God says move you move! I took all my signs, my prayers, meditations and everything else that came with this journey and sold all my stuff and hit the road.

2017 was all about me and I have no apologizes for it. 

2018 will be all about my power and what God will use me for. I have a great feeling about next year. I'll leave it at that because some things are better left unsaid.

<3 Ebony

Merry Christmas!

I hope you're enjoying your day today or evening 

depending on when you're able to read this. 

I hope that today, you were able to relax. This time of year can be very stressful for all of us. For some reason, the holiday time puts us in an overly disgusting cheerfully mood, or have us manically panicked, or increasingly depressed and even for some of us all three! I was watching a sermon by Steven Furtick who preaches at Elevation Church in one of the Carolina's and he shared that during the holiday time, it's a time where the devil is most at work.

It make me sit back and think for a minute how true this saying is. Personally, when I have a breakdown or a panic attack or an attack from the devil, it's usually during the winter months. When I dig further into it, it always happens during the Christmas season. Why is that? Well, I think it's because there's an overwhelming sense of pressure during this time.

For me, all of my major moves that God calls me to do happen during this time. My bank account takes a major hit, I'm never where I want to be personally or professionally, but I still move when he says move, no matter what location, what job, I do as instructed. This time around, something is a little different. I'm finally where I want to be location wise and everything else is falling into place. I've mentioned this before, but I'm finally in a place of  happiness.

When I started to chase what matters most to me, everything got a little easier. When I left a place of certainty to follow my heart, my passion, my calling, it's not easy to remain faithful to God or to listen to him; but when I finally did it, the overwhelming sense of peace that fills my heart is amazing. I've been struggling a lot, but it's never getting to me. Instead, this time, my struggles are helping me. I could cave, leave and do what's easy; but I truly gave God everything!

 I can finally see him at work. 

I no longer stress, I don't worry, I don't cry, instead, I live my life, I enjoy myself, I experience the best situations and experiences. I've met new people and love them all differently. I've seen who is for me and who is against me. Who should be in my life or who I should let parish. I've accepted people in their seasons and appreciated them for it. I've learned to love while learning to love myself in the process.

Most importantly, I've realized it's time to help myself.

All of this, just by leaving what's familiar and trusting God with the rest. I know what 2018 has to offer. Well, I know that God is about to show out and I'm so excited. He gave me a little taste of it when I left Denver and moved to Los Angeles. I'm sitting tight in praise and worship at every corner whether something moves in my favor or is denied to me for my protection.

So, let's do something different this holiday season. Instead of letting it take a dig at us. Take time to relax and love yourself. Loving yourself is one of the most important things in this crazy beautifully twisted thing we call life.

<3 Ebony 

Still Going Straight

I've been taking a break from social media and some other things in life. When I moved to Los Angeles, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace in my heart. When I drove from Denver, CO to North Hollywood, tears of joy came down my face on the 15 hour drive as I passed through many state lines. A sense of relief that it's finally here, constant prayer of gratitude as I would look to my right and see my dad trying his best not to take a nap.

I've taken leaps of faith before, however I haven't taken one that's this huge! To seriously give up everything because God said it's time. Thing is, I have no idea what it's time for. All I know is that he said move. With his track record in history and in my life, who am I to question what he says? He's been showing me little things so far that this is where he wants me.

I love when I pray certain things and he shows out just to prove that he's listening. He knows all his children, so he knows what I'm about to ask him and he delivers if not right before I ask it's quickly after I ask.  The hardest part is shutting up, sitting still and listening. Waiting to hear him and the next move for me. When do I turn right Papa? I have to stand the silence because when it's my turn to make that right, like Pastor Joel Osteen said, like a GPS God will tell to you when turn right.

 So I'm still going straight. 

In the mean time, I've been crazy busy enjoying life and loving myself and all that's  been coming my way. The people, the dating, the vegan restaurants, the hiking, the beaches, the concerts, the love in the silence when I'm alone. I'm so in love with this stage of my life I'm not documenting it. I'm hardly posting on social media because I'm enjoying my company why would I want to be on my phone? 

As we all start to head into a new season, I encourage you to do things that make you happy. I pray that you focus on what makes you, you. Do you want to start that business? Do you want to get into better shape? Do you want to get closer to God? Do you want to find love? Do you want true happiness? Do you want to chase your dreams? Whatever it is that'll make you happy, I hope you go for it. 

Life is to short for what ifs.

<3 Ebony 

Last Night Was One Of My Toughest Nights

I feel like, I should give her a name.

I could call her a bitch. She definitely is one of many links to Satan. She was paralyzing last night.  I felt like I was held captive in my own thoughts and in my own body.  If you suffer from depression, you randomly get in this state of being in an out of body experience. You think of scenarios in your head and you feel all the pain that comes along with it, and at times you might think about dying; only to wake up and be sad that you're still alive.

I haven't been to sleep yet.

You think of how much happier it'll be if you were no longer here. If you were to be released from this pain. You start to think of a world of freedom from this suffocating feeling and SHE grabs hold of that. SHE knows that you're in pain and experiencing something that only GOD can release you from. I mean, you could take medications but who seriously wants to take medicine for depression when some of the side effects include increased depression and suicidal thoughts?

SHE likes to sit on my chest and back at the same time. SHE squeezes the life out of me, my anxiety rises, the lightness seems to darken quickly. I'm trying to paint a vivid picture of what SHE's like for me. SHE's like a color pallet, you never know which shade you'll get or when it'll change. You could be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden SHE waves at you from a distance and sprints to you. You could think about that one person who makes your heart flutter, and she comes and kisses you on the cheek.

I should give her a name, but I don't know what I should call her. 

Asshole maybe? It's something that I pray on. Unfortunately these prayers have yet to be answered, he must be busy. Or he must want me to take myself out, which is why he hasn't healed me from this. I hope that's not the case. In a perfect world, I'll wake up and SHE'll be gone. I believe that it'll happen, I know he hears my prayers and that he'll answer them on his time. God never gives you something that you can't handle.

I got this.

Despite being captive. SHE didn't want me to move this morning. SHE was happy to have had me last night. Taunting me, smiling at me while I'm screaming as loud as I can. I'm trying to breathe and  run as fast as I can away from her; but she grabs hold of my right ankle and pulled me back in. SHE almost won last night. Instead of doing what SHE wanted, I kept praying, I'm tired and I'm exhausted, but yet, I still feel as if I triumphed.

I think I weakened her. 

I went to the gym this morning as usual. SHE crept back in right when I found the perfect parking spot. SHE grabbed my neck and secured me to my seat. I was trapped, couldn't breathe, my inhaler wasn't working for me, and my tears were like a waterfall. I managed to leave the car, and cry silently in the bathroom stall. I wanted to leave, but instead I ran and then I lifted weights. Then I praised GOD for the strength to fight. 

It might seem silly, but I think I'm winning. I can feel myself getting stronger. Huh, maybe he is answering my prayer. 

<3 Ebony 

You Being Strong Has Nothing To Do With It

One of my male suitors, made the comment on how strong I am. Then followed it up with "is that part of why you're single?" I had to reply and let him know that I'm single by choice, I don't have to be. I never have to be, I have plenty of amazing male suitors who want me; I'm in no rush and I'm in love with the process <- (click the link for more on that.) I went in on him... granted mother nature was knocking so my PMS was WAY up there. Oops, my bad.

Let me just say that saying a woman is strong and that's why 

she is single is a societal back handed compliment. 

I think plenty of women use that as a crutch or an excuse as to why they're single which is simply not the case. How about instead of using your supposed strength as a woman and saying that, that's why you're single; and instead wake up and realize that you're single probably because you're messing around with weak men, or men that are simply not interested in you, or you simply haven't found that king yet. There's a difference between a strong woman who talks and engages with a hot strong man, versus one who wants that super hot man who can offer her absolutely nothing except mind blowing sex. Most of the time, ladies lets be honest, we go for the mind blowing sex.

Some women dismiss the nice guy because he's unfamiliar territory

For some reason plenty of women and men go for those who have nothing of substance or importance to offer them. Then they have the nerve to get disappointed when their childish asses leaves or isn't what they wanted them to be. Now, I'm speaking to both men and women here. This whole dating world is so screwed up, it's comical in a sense. We're used to being treated like shit, if a good one comes along it's like rocket science. Or some how our malware malfunctions and we have no idea how to act and find a way to mess it all up.

Vanity rules our society. 

Now ladies, I'm an ear to many of you. I know plenty of women who recite how men don't want a strong woman. May I throw in there, that this usually happens after they get rejected. Here's what I noticed from the ladies who I have conversations with and who use that strong woman singleness bullshit, they have so many issues within themselves that they're failing to see what it's attracting. And guess what ladies and gents, men can smell an insecure woman a mile away. I personally know men who prey on those women. It's weird to watch the trap be set, the lies, the words and actions of my male acquaintances. It's stranger to watch how some women are so quick to fall for it.

You may say that you want a relationship, but in reality you  might not be ready for it.

We're so fixated on the idea that we have to be in a relationship, that most of us are willing to settle. Most of use don't care and just want someone. Most of us are desperate. Here's the problem with that, being anxious and desperate about finding your partner. When you get into that mindset, you settle for temporary happiness. In the end, those rushed relationships never work out, it does for the moment but when life comes in and you have to talk about futures; they never line up. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want temporary love.

Men are designed to be with women so yes they can handle you! 

They just might not want YOU. 

Call it mean or rude but it's the truth. If a man doesn't want you, then that's it he simply doesn't want you and it has nothing to do with how strong you are, you're simply not his cup of tea. You don't fit his mold, his vision for where he wants his life to go etc. Why is it okay for us women to dismiss men, talk about it with our girls and keep it pushing; but if a man does it, then he's lame, weak, stupid etc.? Take that as a blessing if a man moves on from you. In my opinion, the most horrible thing we can do, is be with someone we know is not right for us. All the wasted time, energy, emotions, 21 questions who seriously wants to go through with that?

No more excuses. No more crutches. Instead, lets look within, love ourselves and enjoy this journey! You don't want a man or woman to be with you when you  know it's not right. You don't want your time wasted either. So STOP saying you're single because you're strong, and start saying you're single because you're not settling for someone who's less than perfect and awesome as yourself.

After all, you do deserve the best my love.

<3 Ebony

Don't Take it Personal

I AM A BADDASS! 

Yeah, that's right, I said it and I don't care if it sounds cocky! Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted in letting other people dictate how I should perceive myself. I speak on this a lot with friends, family, co-workers and even in this blog. Why is it that, at times, we allow others thoughts and opinions about us rule our world? You can sit there and LIE and say that "that's never been you" or you can face the truth and admit that you've been apart of that messed up circle. Whether it was in high school, college, at work, at home, with friends, family, strangers. There was a point in your life, one moment, when you allowed someone else to dictate what you think or how you feel about yourself.

It's okay, just drop that shit and learn to LOVE YOURSELF. 

It's okay to believe in yourself. To feel like you're the best at your craft, to believe that all good things that this universe has to offer will happen for you. It's okay to look in the mirror and LOVE the way you look. To say "damn Ebony, you're killin this outfit boo!" It's okay for someone to give you a compliment and instead of being shy about it say "Thank you!" with such confidence, you leave the other person speechless. It's time to STOP thinking down about ourselves and to START thinking positive about ourselves.

If someone has a problem with your confidence don't take it personal. 

We all know those people who turn up their noses at us select few who refuse to let a bad comment mess up our day. Who refuse to let someone who has something rude to say throw us off our glorious path of being amazing in life. We all know that one person who is waiting for us to post our woes on social media just so they can like it. You  know exactly what I'm talking about too! We have that one "friend" who doesn't like a single picture, status, comment etc. However, the moment you post in distress or something sad, or what's angering you; they have the audacity to not just LIKE the post but LOVE IT!  You know what, if someone has an issue with how much you love and believe in YOU, just know, that it's a THEM problem and not a YOU problem.

I'll be damned if I get upset about ME because another person is jealous. 

My life is precious, my life is full of blessings, my life is beautiful with all it's glorious ups and downs that Papa (God) throws at me. What my life is NOT, is a space for others to drag and drop their dirty laundry. It is not a place that's aimed to please you and all your desires. It is not something that can easily be tarnished by your words because the words of Papa holds more water over what you have to say. It is not something that I refuse to fully live or take risks with because it makes you uncomfortable. Here is the best part of my life......... that it belongs to me and I'm going to unapologetically live it the way that I see fit (with the leadership of Papa of course).

<3 Ebony

I am Not Something For You To Masturbate With.

SEX!

Did that make you uncomfortable? I hope not! I love talking about it, mainly because I go in and out on my journey of The Wait. Also people love asking me, why I'm not having sex? Or why it's so easy for me to have sex and then quickly dismiss it and not have it for another year or two. The answer is simple. I'm at this time in my life where I'm tired of sex. I'm tired of being unsatisfied. If you don't know me, then you have no idea that I am a great actress. 9 times out of 10 I, like many of my fellow ladies out there, I have faked the big O, just so it'll be over with. If I can be honest, as I always am, only two guys have been great at this, ONLY TWO. So why do I stop having sex?

Because my body is not something for you to masturbate with. 

And that's all (to me) what sex is without any type of emotional connection. If I'm not crazy about you or hell, if I'm not in love with you then that's just what I am. I'm a human sock that you are using as if you were in the 7th grade; masturbating into another clean white sock only to shove it under the bed or in a laundry basket when you're done. Excuse my frank nature when it comes to this topic, but let's get real. We've all felt this way at some point in time. We all get to a place in our lives where sex is just not enough. Why would I keep having sex when 1. I will not be marrying you, 2. it's lame, 3. you most likely have no clue what you're doing, 4. I have to fake it and 5. it's boring to me.

I wasn't going to write this, but I got into a deep conversation with a male suitor of mine, and he said "Damn, you should write that out. When you said I'm not something for you to masturbate with,that alone paints such a vivid picture." I stuttered on it, and said no at first. As I open my phone to half naked bathroom pics from guys, while some men say "they want me", others claim to "crave me" etc. I can't  help but reply "cool" or something blow offish to them, because I'm not in that mindset and it's simply not worth it. Now this guy is great, he's on his own journey of the wait. So as we continue to spend so much time together, yes that tension is there, but waiting for it; to us is important.

When I'm sinning in sex, my life isn't as great as it could be. 

And to those who follow God, or reading certain things in the bible, or have experience with the shift in your movement when you're freely having sex, you get it. When it comes to me, when I'm having sex, other things in my life aren't going so well.  When I'm able to control those emotions and temptations, I see clearer and blessings pour more abundantly for me. I understand the power of sex, I understand what it was meant for, I understand what it can do for me and why it works against me. The next time that I do have sex, I want it to be with someone that I love deeply. I want it to be with someone who I know for a fact, without assumptions, that cares for me as much as I do him if not more. I'm at this point in my life where I want it all. 

I want all of what Papa (God) has for me.

So, will I lose contacts with certain men when they find out that my cookie shop is closed? Yes. Will I lose those contacts with certain men who I have had sex with in the past who will realize that there will never be a future? Yes. Although, if they didn't get the hint now, I don't know what to tell ya little buddy. I understand my power in life and in this world. I understand what it revolves around. I also understand that if I continue to hold it close to my heart that Papa's paths for me become easier to see. So why do I go in and out of the wait? Because its my choice.

<3 Ebony 

Life Insurance, Life Assurance

Let's get real 

"Man, that last thing you said about playing in traffic, that was genius!" 

Said a loyal reader who checked out my previous blog posting. To them it was great word play, to me this was a heavy moment in my life. Playing in traffic, playing with guns, driving off the over pass, hoping that in the times that I almost got hit by a car that for goodness sake it would actually connect in a way that will take me out. Daydreaming that on a walk, I ignore the red hand at the stop light and continue forward.

While in traffic some time ago, a semi truck was coming on full speed. Horn honking on the highway and it couldn't stop until it was met by a guard rail. I was on the other side watching the mayhem unfold, continuing to drive in that direction as the cars around me frantically moved to the right. I was saddened to see that it stopped and didn't skip the rail and head in my direction. 

Overcome with grief and pain, I can't unsee the things I've seen or undo what I've done. When evil has looked at you plenty of times with a smile you never forget it. That is why I work out so much and hard, which is why I'm constantly drowning myself in a new book a week, which is why I keep writing, which is why I seek God, which is why I've decided to go for my dreams and see what happens because this world is short. I've seen it take away lives, I've seen it leave lives that should've been taken. To the ones on the outside looking in on my leap of faith, it all seems grand, courageous, genius, brave and more to walk this journey that I am on. Not knowing that it's harder then what they could possibly imagine. 

Just breathe.

Living in a world where you're publicly under a microscope. Where you're being judged by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to hear rumors about yourself created by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to always be 'on' because being 'off' is frowned upon. Man is it exhausting but still, here I am. I have a smile on my face and I keep trying as the world and those around me take hammers built with nails and wrapped with barbed wire happily thrust it into my back.

Just breathe. 

Having the gifts that I was so graciously given, leaves me to be alone. It burdens me with depression, pain, confusion, doubt, worry and more. It's supposed to be an outlet but, I see no outlet. What do I do now? When it rains it pours, and it's been a trifecta of natural disasters in my life for the past several years. After a disaster, I hear that it gets better; that everything will be okay. That there is light at the end of it. I pray for the strength to be here to witness that light. 

But, as I type this; my heart aches. 

One day, I was looking at life insurance policies. I've been researching them for a long time. I wanted to see how much it would cost and who would qualify to be my beneficiary. My questions then turned deeper. How long do I have to be alive for this to work? If a policy holder commits suicide will their family still receive the payments? How much for a million dollars? How about half a million? Can I pay it in full or does it have to be monthly? 

Just breathe, you are not crazy.

I write this, because this is something that is not talked about enough. So many people like myself have struggled with this. Unfortunately others are still struggling with this and some take their lives. You never know what someone is going through. This was a heavy path that was once mine and if I may be honest, I can write about it so openly because at times, I still am in this light. Some people have answers as to why this is happening, others have no answers to give, while some have no one to talk with about this. Do something so simple for me today, ask someone  "Are you okay?"

Black Bird

Why you wanna fly black bird
You ain't ever gonna fly 

As I sit back and listen to the sweet sounds of Nina Simone sing Black Bird, a song that's a narration of my life, I can't help but get lost in her deep, sultry smokey voice. In her reassurance that, that silly black bird will never fly. In her dark smooth chocolate skin, and plump lips, with eyes that can suck your soul out as she sings to you this lullaby. 

I can't help but put myself into the body of that black bird. 

The lyrics are words from everyone around me. You ain't ever gonna fly. Why are you chasing a dream that is so out of reach? No place big enough for holding all these tears you're gonna cry.  I have yet to find a box of tissues that can withstand my sad days. My depressed days, the same days where I want to play in traffic. The same days that cause me to have random outbursts and make me think I need to be put in a mental hospital all because the mind is truly a beautiful but also a destructive thing. 

But yet, I'm still here.

Trying to figure out why Papa (God) picked me to trot down this bumpy road of life. Why he gave me the gifts that I have, and why he wants me to dominate in my talents. Talents that everyone and their mother wants to have, is working to have, or already has; so what's so different about me? You ain't got no one to hold you. You ain't got no one to care. If you'd only understand dear, nobody wants you here. In my deepest moment, as I clung onto the thought of wanting to continue on in this world; I was thrown away by someone who my heart was wanting to love.  Nobody wants you here. 

Breathe. Just breathe, even when you're suffocating never stop trying to breathe.

They call you little sorrow, cause you'll never love again. Love in life, love in action, love in my abilities, love in friends, love in family, love in another man. All the odds are against me, beating on me as heavy as a drum; as heavy as the drum in this song that was beating to every beautifully poisonous lyric. But yet- Breathe-  despite all the odds I wanna fly because Papa (God) said that I can, and that I will. 

<3 Ebony 

Love in The Process

Why do we feel the need to rush? 

That's the question that I find myself asking over and over again. Mainly because I have great conversations with a variety of different people. Ones that are older, younger, black, white, purple, male, female and alien. It seems to me that the circle of acquaintances that I have around me all seem to be into doing one thing. And that is wanting what they want and wanting it NOW.  When I asked each of them why not trust and love in the process, why do you have to rush it?  I, to my surprise always get the same answer.

I don't know. 

In the age of immediacy, where anything and everything is at your fingertips from applying to jobs, getting a significant other, getting directions, finding an amazing restaurant and more why wait? Why be patient? Why go through the process of taking your time and finding the right thing for you? There's no point in it when you can easily have your answer in less than a minute. Which my friend, brings me to this next question.

Why rush a relationship? 

I have a few friends, that when they start the process of getting to know a man, they immediately rush into thoughts of marriage. Yes I do agree with them in the sense that it's important to establish a common ground of what you want. However, if you two are no where close to being in a relationship, why jump the gun? Why are you getting out of your starting blocks so early? Not only will it disqualify you before you reach the finish line; but that will have you on the fast track to heartache and heart break. 

I'm one who loves the process of getting to know someone.  Then moving into exclusively talking aka everyone else is out of the picture. Then becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and so on. I don't find the need to rush or question what are we? Instead, I take my time because I know what I want. I want to get to know the other person to the best of my ability. After all, even after you're married you never truly know someone. Each day is a new adventure.When it comes to the process, I find peace and happiness in taking my time. Why?

Personally, when I rush or questioned it ruined things. 

What I mean by that is, when I start to rush or question the man that I'm talking too, it ruined the chance at it becoming something special. Instead of enjoying the moments I was to focused on the next day when we have yet to finish the one we were in. Instead of watching his behaviors and seeing if it fits me, I was to busy looking past that and questioning him on "what if" situations. Instead of chilling and watching the movie, I wanted to turn each scene into a real life hypothetical. And my GOD, that shit must have been so annoying for him! I fully understood why they would run when I had the roles reversed.  

I met a man who did to me what I was doing to others. 

He was a great guy. One with a pure heart and who truly wanted to know what was going on. But in the time of getting to know him, I realized how over bearing it was. How confining it was to spend time with someone, when you really want to relax with them and instead they want to be in your head 24/7. I see how it's frustrating to want to joke around and they take it personal or serious. It's impossible for me to want to deal with that person. I then laughed and gave God props for blessing me with another person who in the end made me better.

Because of him, I've learned to love the process and to enjoy the ones that are auditioning for a leading role in my love life. When I meet someone who wants to rush past it, it's a huge red flag for me. There's typically underline issues with that person, why are they rushing? What are they trying to make a quick fix for? What heart break are they trying to overcome? Most importantly, what are they expecting of me? What hole do they want me to fill?  

 I'm madly in love with the process that will lead me to being madly in love with Mr Right. 

Dating is much more fun when you allow it to be and don't hold strangers to these unrealistic expectations. LIFE is much more fun when you allow it to be. When you learn to love the process of what Papa (God) is doing. When you can relax and trust in yourself that all the desires of your heart will come true. When you realize that your dreams will come true when you work at it and never give up. When you realize that you only have ONE life, and when you stop wasting it on hypotheticals and what ifs and start living in the NOW, this thing called life is truly amazing. 

<3 

Ebony 

Proud Eagles Fan!

Chickpea Power Bowl

I am Not Eboni K Williams

Although she is a gorgeous woman. One who is very vocal about her opinions and beliefs not just with politics but in life, I am not Eboni K Williams. She is a woman that I love to watch as she contributes to Fox News because she makes people think. She like many women in a political position that use thier voice, use it to make you question your own thoughts. And because of that, because of the challenge that she causes some to have within themselves, she gets hate mail. She gets death threats of not just her career but her life. She gets slammed with racial comments, and judged for being a woman. Some even go as far as to telling her to "go back where she came from" or "a woman has no place in the mans world of politics."

I know this, because some of those people think that I am Eboni K Williams and direct their hate towards me. 

Some even go as far as going to my website and submitting hate mail through my contact forum. That part always puzzles me merely because they have to go to my site. Meaning they have to spell my name which is Ebony and hers is Eboni. They have to scroll down to see my header which has me with short hair, and Eboni has long hair. They then have to find the contact box and take time to type up an email and hit send.

For those on Twitter, it's even worse. They get on these rants and mass tweets while adding me into the political ring of Donald Trump, Barack Obama and more all based on Eboni's commentary. Now I'm apart of a thousand people re-tweeting thread with very few who can read and point out that it's the wrong Ebony.

What makes me laugh, are the people who send me racial sexist comments. Comments that are paragraphs long on why I should end my life. All because Eboni said Trump supporters are racists. . Then when I respond; they want to be "human" and seem sorry for their words. In return, I have to remind those nasty people that they were about to send this to someone they don't know anyway, so why apologize to me and not her?

One day, I hope, we can learn to disagree with someone without wanting them to die. 

Because of this, her and I follow one another on social media. Because of the hatred that we both face as women in the industry, as black-women in the industry, as women who are told constantly that we are less than and that our opinions and feelings are not wanted in a male dominated profession; we like may others chose to support the like minds and hustle of our fellow sisters in the business. 

So while you are angry at her and those like her aka the  Angela Ryes  of the world, just remember that we're proud of who we are. We're not backing down from what we think and how we feel and if asked we will give you the harsh truth.  In return, if you can't think of a way to speak to someone that isn't filled with racism, sexism, curse words, improper spelling and more;

I think you should try your best to use what little brain you have to make your argument informative and educational. 

Most importantly, if we are all adults, we can learn to disagree without anger. We can have respect for someone that we don't agree with. We can have a conversation without it being confrontational.

After-all if you aren't a racist SOB (as you claim) and you do truly care about humanity,
 why not show it? 

I watch Eboni K Williams every chance I get. I may not agree with everything she says but I truly do admire her. She is an amazing woman who is doing extraordinary things. I admire her ability to be raw and real every single day. I admire her wisdom on certain topics and her education on others. I admire that no matter what, she is out here making a difference and educating people. I admire that she is strong, smart (brilliant actually) and many other things. So, despite not agreeing with every single thing, I support what she is doing. 

Vegan Potato Curry!

I've decided to try out the vegan lifestyle. Now, I'm not going all in at once! I have to pace myself into it. After all it is a lifestyle and I want to make sure I do it right aka I don't want to jump in and binge eat the next day. So, I decided to try my hand at cooking my favorite dishes, vegan style. To start a Potato Curry. 

Ingredients: 
1 tablespoon coconut oil 
2 1/2 cloves of Garlic 
1 medium onion (diced) 
4 small potatoes
1 can of coconut milk (I used organic light) 
1 cup diced tomatoes
1 cup peas (I used frozen)
1 teaspoon red pepper 
1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon salt 
1 1/2 tablespoon of ginger 
1 tablespoon garlic powder 

Instructions: 
1.Add your coconut oil to a large skillet on medium heat. 
2. Add minced garlic. 
3. After garlic is fragrant add diced onion until it's clear. 
4. Add coconut milk, diced tomatoes and everything else EXCEPT THE PEAS. 
5. Cover and let simmer on medium low for about 17 minutes. Or until the potatoes are soft. 
6. Now, add the peas, cover for another 5 minutes.

I Watched His Journey of Forgiveness, Then I Watched Him Die.

It’s simple really. The way I look at things and go about it all. I guess it’s simple to me and might feel like a conundrum to others because they don’t have any of the traits that I inherited that gives me the ability to look at life through these special glasses. We all have special glasses that allows us to see things in different ways. 

Ones that see the beauty in death and life being born. The ones that also have the ability to heal and feel. The ones that listen closely to a heart that’s weak and withering away. Ones that make me push harder because it knows that one day, there will be no more earthly days. Because of that train of thought, I choose to forgive.

A friend went on this journey and I’m forever blessed that I could go on it with him. He told me that he wants to forgive. That he wants to track down people he’s done wrong and ask them for forgiveness and he wants to pray to God to help him forgive others who hurt him. My heart was filled with joy because he’s a hard person to tolerate and love in any capacity.

So, I watched his journey. I watched him find peace. I watched him learn to love. And I watched him die.

Seeing how in a moment at any moment, a life can be taken makes you appreciate the breath in your lungs. Makes you appreciate the smog filled city with gas exhaust and tobacco smoke. Makes you a little forgiving about that bitch in the sixth grade or that friend who turned into your enemy. When you hold someone as they die, you watch that life slowly go. Their eyes tell you a story that they’re reliving their best moments as they take their last breath.

He said: the peace that comes with forgiving, letting go and letting God is unspeakable. 

What is life after that? I question as I watch my friend lay in peace. His face was calm, something I haven’t witnessed on him since we were kids. I was relaxed knowing that he is now in a better place. A breeze came over me, it squeezed me and I felt as if it were whispering to me. Funny thing, the room had no windows that could open. I knew it was him. I want to believe that he was telling me life is great after we leave this place.

I always wonder what life would be like if you died and didn’t forgive. If you held onto pain for your entire life. I for one, don’t want to go out knowing that I have to fix some loose ends. That’s why I speak highly about forgiveness in my blogs and on social media. I express myself to you, and share that it’s not easy but I’m trying. I share when I have successes and I happily share when I’m struggling. Nonetheless, I’m happy to say that I have no one that I need to forgive or ask forgiveness from.

And it feels pretty damn good.

So for my friend, rest well my dear. 

<3 Ebony 

Why Aren't You Outraged?

Why aren't you outraged? 

Man do I hear that question a lot from so many people. Mainly white people when they turn to me and haven't seen me react the way they want me too given our countries current state. I hear that, or read it depending on what platform you're using to reach me; and I translate that to "why aren't you screaming profanity?" or "why aren't you posting a I hate white people post?" or a "where's your reference to slavery and what's happening now?" "Are you not bothered?"

When Trump was elected into office, a dear friend of mine messaged me saying how she, for the first time in her life is terrified to go to work. She's scared to get her daily steps in and walk in her neighborhood and she doesn't want to wear skirts anymore. All because Trump made it okay to "grab them by the pussy." She then proceeded to say "now I know how you feel, history and stuff. I can totally relate." What about that is comparable or deserves the equivalence to my experiences? My ancestors experience? or my brothers and sisters who are dying today?  All I could do was put my head down, rub my forehead and say to myself :

Some people STILL don't understand.

You see, what's happening now is not news and it sure as hell isn't new. The only difference is, that there was a hiatus from the bullshit. No, it didn't stop, instead it wasn't broadcasted as much; that was until people started to use the cameras on their phones. Then they started to share it on social media aside from local news outlets. So to answer the first question, why aren't I outraged? It's because I've been outraged since I went through my first experience of racism, racial profiling and wrongful doing. You see, I don't "get outraged" because it's trending on social media. I don't "get outraged" and share it with 140 characters on Twitter then go on about my day. I don't "get outraged" and share a few videos with a few inspirational words and then talk ill about my fellow patrons. No, I don't "get outraged" because I STAY outraged.

When I stay outraged, it's not the typical woe is me attitude. Or the attitude that starts to hate people. For me, when I'm outraged it motivates me to help. When something is wrong it motivates me to get educated and create a plan to make a difference. So for me outrage is good because it's not evil instead it pushes me to do more and be better. 

To address my dear friend who tried to use the presidency as a form of bonding with me, it's not the same and you cannot relate. Until you're followed around the store (and yes this still happens), until you're wrongfully pulled over and scared for your life, until you're server at a restaurant is asking to switch with someone because they don't want to serve you happens, until you come home to Nigger painted your door, until you realize that your loans for a house or a car will always have a higher percentage rate because of the color of your skin, until you get turned down multiple times for that loan or job because of your skin, until you hear racial slurs while walking the street, until you're in public and are addressed by a hot headed person who hates your existence is trying to fight you and no one is willing to help you; my list can go on for days; you cannot relate. 

I don't share my outrage because it's the thing to do and everyone else is on that boat. Unlike most people I know, they share their disgust on social media just to get a like or two and some shares. Those same people have no intention on acting on their words. To me it's another ploy to be 'poppin' and look 'woke' to your friends. For those of you who are supposedly outraged I have a a few questions, where's the love? Where's the passion for helping mankind? What I'm asking is, where is the action? 

It's easy to hide behind your status or tweet. It's easy to share a video and send condolences. It's easy to say what you would do. It's harder to actually do it. When you create those words on social media, make them your own. Put a little heart and thought in it. Show us that you're better because you understand ABC and D. Prove that you have some knowledge in this matter. That you see what the problem is. That you want to see a solution and maybe even are willing to be apart of the solution. 

Instead of posting about it, I'm working to help create a solution. 

I'm not asking you to be like Heather Heyer who died protesting in Charlottesville. But I'm asking those who are not of color and who see the pain, who see that there needs to be change and who see that we need your help to help bring people together. To use your privilege and spread the word. Yes I know that you have family, friends and co-works who are more than likely racist, but if you truly are not and you care, where's the love? 

Little Tokyo

Oh how I love peace. Being able to sit down at a place and people watch. Watching moms and dads play with their children. Listening to the sound of a child laughing. Whenever I hear that sound, I can't help but smile. Smelling the food that fills the air while listening to some amazing music.

There was a man, older, sitting down on a set of stairs. The day was hot, the sun was unforgiving in it's glory. The breeze blessed us every once and awhile, but I didn't mind because of the music. I was drawn into this man. His eyes were closed as he hit low and mildly high notes on what seemed like a flute or a recorder. Come to find out the proper term is a shakuhachi. I found shade and sat for a few minutes while he played in the hot sun. For the entire time, I was trying to figure out why he didn't move to the shade.


It was to hot for me, so I moved from the shade and continued to walk. I came across the garden and listened to the sounds of the stream go from one side to the other. In the background, I can faintly hear the sounds of the shakuhachi.

I walked towards the busy part of Little Tokyo, and this time, I couldn't miss the food. I got the house recommend sushi roll. I don't remember what is was called, I just know, that the hands that made it must've been touched from God himself. While I spent most of my day in Little Tokyo submerged in culture, different people, music, languages, food and so much more; I couldn't help but feel comfortable and welcomed.

What Are You Doing?

As I'm on this new amazing, exciting yet a little scary journey; I get asked the same question over and over again.

What are you doing? 

For those who don't know, I'm for once, enjoying my life. I'm taking a  moment to look back at everything I've done in a short period. I'm taking a moment to realize that there's more to life other than working. You see, I haven't had a breather since I was 14 and started to work. For the first time, a few weeks ago, I took my first real vacation. One that lasted a week, where I did NO WORK and just took in the sun, the beach, and everything else around me.

This moment, I'm breathing in all that Papa (God) has placed in front of me and I'm deciding to love it. To love every single bump or road block. To love every tear that I've cried and every memory that used to cause me pain, but now I rejoice at my triumph when thinking about it. It takes a lot for me to sit still. Papa is asking me to sit still and keep focused on him. Out of everything I've been through sitting still for the past month or so was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm glad I listened. 

I'm back in this space where I love life and love living it. When you deal with so many lairs and twisted people at times it drags you down. When you're in toxic situations it's best to leave. I'm Where I want to wake up and help someone again. Where I want to get up and run my miles, make my breakfast and tell someone to have a great day. I'm at this point in my life where I realized that home is where the heart is. Once you find your heart everything else will be okay.

So, as I sit in my friends' room, staring out the window at the gorgeous sun. I can't help but wonder what's in store for me next? Yes, I'm a little scared I  mean who wouldn't be? But you know what's bigger than my fears? My faith in Papa. He never brings me to a place where I will fail. He sets me up in places that always better me and push me and to where I can succeed. He brings me into places that have the most valuable lessons only experience can teach you.

So, as I live, chase my dreams, and face everything this world has to throw at me. I know that I'm protected and I know that everything will work out in his favor. So that's what I'm doing, what are you doing?

<3 Ebony

Ebony Does: Vinue

Now you know I love a good glass of wine! Only problem is, that when I drink wine I get so tired! Anywho, a friend of mine found this really awesome wine bar and she convinced me to go with her. So here I am in a pretty cute part of Denver. I parked not to far from the restaurant/ wine bar and watched as someone almost got towed, while another group of friends were celebrating an engagement. It seemed like the night was going to go well and that I would be very much entertained.

So I'm at this fancy wine bar, it's white on the inside the stools are wooden, but not like Wal-Mart wood, like legit if you break me your wallet will scream type of wood. They literally had a wine bar to where you can buy a glass and taste every single wine they had available. I didn't do that because I needed to drive home, and I'd be damned if I paid for an Uber.

So here we are, I'm looking at the menu, honestly I wasn't to impressed with the food. My initial thought was, "am I going to spend all this money on mediocre?" So I ordered a this turkey flat bread thing and paired it with a red wine that our very handsome waiter from Columbia recommended. That man smelled like heaven, and our hands touched his skin was so soft it put mine to shame! Oh and his curls! Oh LORD! Okay, back to Vinue... sorry about that.

Surprisingly, the flat bread was AMAZING! The vinaigrette that was on top of the turkey and cheese made my tongue dance. Pairing it was a dry red ( I Have no idea what the wine was called, I'm sorry) was absolute perfection. I wanted more, naturally so I ordered this flour-less chocolate cake. Let me tell you something, that flour-less chocolate cake drizzled in raspberry sauce was orgasmic.

So if you're in the Denver area and want your tongue to love you  for forever, you want to have an amazing experience by your very own Colombian waiter and just want to eat some great food and have good wine, then Vinue is the place for you!

Oh and how random is this, they had an old silent movie playing on the wall. The movie was horrible, in black and white but I was so sucked in I didn't leave the restaurant until the movie was done.

Life-less

The sun shines bright and it beams on the palm trees.
The mango tree branches move so seductively as
as mango's drop, one branch at a time.

Life-less
Is not what they are instead they're living in the moment.
Taking in every swig of air, every watery drip of rain and every beam from the sun rays.

The grass is bright green, but I can't walk on it because of the ants that dominate over the grounds.
The cement is hot, I love my bare feet on the driveway; but not today.
Sweat beads drop from my forehead one by one.
One dances down the right side of my cheek while another rides down my nose.

Life-less
Is not what I am today. Today I take in each step and watch  my body move.
The way it reacts around solace and peace is much better than pain with no release.

The house is hot, it's making me breathe in a different way.
In a way that's unrecognizable to my body, so she freaks out.
But I calm her down with some iced water and mango.
Then, I stop watch the baby lizards move across the window and smile.

Life-less
That's what the insects look like on the other side of the window.
Little do we know, they're playing possum from the sun.
Tanning a little as half their body is in the shade and the other in the rays.

Oh, I have shorts on today.
A blue tank.
Sandals, wedgies or heels is my biggest dilemma for the day.

Life-less
That entire prior paragraph made me laugh.
The biggest issue as of late is what shoes to find to match.
Green grass, I stand on it this time.
White sandals on too.
Take my dad's seven iron and set my stance.

Head down slightly to the right.
Legs hip width apart.
Knees slightly bent.
Shoulders slanted more towards the right like my head.
Right thumb over left, breath, swing.

Life-less
I could've easily chosen to be lifeless
But instead of not wanting to experience life less
I decided to think of life less

In a cherished kind of way of hopes and dreams.
In a loving way of 'that  will be me'.
In a confident way of God's got me.
In a chosen way of accepting everything.

Because of that, I don't worry much.
I worry less.
<3 Ebony

How I Start My Day, Thanks To Demi Lovato

Love Letter To You and a Reveal

I thought about you, well I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I owe you an apology. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for neglecting you, when I heard you crying and begging to be seen. I'm sorry that I decided to do other things instead of tend to your wounds. I'm sorry that I was neglectful, selfish, blind and ultimately stupid. I know it's a lot to ask but, I ask for you to forgive me.

I was on this road, a very long road to get to this place of happiness. A place where Papa (God) has been directing me and preparing me for, for the past 12 years. I checked in with you from time to time, but in all honesty it wasn't enough and this I know. As much as I hate those random people hitting me up to 'check in' aka be nosy; I did the same thing to you.

For the past seven months, it's been revealed to me that we will be reconnected. Remember a time when we were inseparable? Those late nights, early  mornings; the staying in on weekends just so we could be cuddled up together? Our crazy ideas, stories and thoughts filling the room with laughter? Man those were good times.

We've been getting back to that, our dream that we had together since we ere six years old. Man, we've been rockin together for over 22 years, how blessed are we? The past seven months of rediscovery have been amazing, our ability to reconnect and pick back up from where we left off is amazing. I am forever grateful. I love you, I will forever cherish you.

This time my love, we'll take on a new city in a few weeks and we'll have no one in the way. Instead we'll finally be surround by people who understand our love for one another. How great is that? To be accepted? To be so head over heels for something and have people actually understand the hours, the drive, the determination and everything else that comes with it?

I love you and I'm sorry for the bad treatment over the years. I know you forgive me because what's in the past is the past. We have our entire future to make up for those times; and we're off to a great start.

So my dear, my love, my writing. We have a ways to go and this journey has been bumpy but yet appreciated. As things line up, Papa is blessing us and showing us our time and our moves. I'm ready and I know you are Los Angeles, here we come.

<3 Ebony

The Finale :) Take a Listen

Ebony Does: Brunch At Snooze

I love food. That is the way to this girls heart. Not only do I love cooking it up in my kitchen or anyone's kitchen, but I love exploring new restaurants. My friend asked me if I've ever been to this brunch spot called Snooze.  She's from Texas and I used to live in Texas; and from all of my time in and out of Houston I've never experienced the amazingness that is Snooze. Why? Well, mainly because the line was so long and I'm not a patient person when it comes to food.

This time when we went, we had to wait almost an hour but she reassured me that it would be worth it. Now seeing that I had the new Jay-Z album 4:44, I wasn't to upset. We sat in her car listened to the album almost twice through until it was our turn to be seated.

Oh man, am I glad I waited. I got this eggs Benedict type of thing. Except it was on lox on rye toast. The salmon, mixed with the cream cheese, the tangyness of the bread, the pouched egg, the spices in the sauce and did I mention that I had a nice vodka cocktail to go with it? I don't know if I was buzzing or not, but nonetheless it was AMAZING! Moral of the story, go to Snooze wait for however long you have too; because it'll be worth it.

Ebony Does: Smokey Eye

I really don't know what I'm doing so why not record it and post it?

Ebony Does: Her Mushroom Tacos!

Now I know I probably pissed some people off by saying mushroom tacos! That ain't no damn taco!? Am I right? Well, for those like me who need a break from meat or for those who don't eat meat or want to try something new. I give you my Mushroom Tacos!

Ingredients:

What you need are beautiful portobello mushrooms. 

Onion Powder

Garlic powder

Cajun Seasoning

Pepper

Olive Oil 

Worcestershire Sauce

Green Pepper
Onion (of your choosing)
Avocado

And what ever else amazing topping you like.

Next step is pretty easy! Combine your oil, Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, onion powder, Cajun seasoning and pepper into a bowl. Then after it's mixed put the  ingredients into a ziplock bag and let it sit for up-to 2 hours. 

Now let's move onto another step that always makes me super happy! Turn on that stove baby and lets saute some onions and peppers!

Now that thos bad boys are cooking and having your kitchen smelling real nice. Add whatever spices to your liking to the onions and peppers. The only thing I add to is is garlic. GARLIC ME UP! This time its minced garlic and not garlic powder. 

When your up-to 2 hours is done for the mushrooms, it's time to grill those babies! 

The final step, grab that tortilla, your onions, peppers and toppings that make you say YUMMMM and dig in! I like a honey cajun dressing on my tacos with some cilantro and pico de gallo in there. I always put a bit of cajun seasoning and anything to make it spicy. Dress it how you like and dig in!  

Thanks again to Dan for being willing to be my taste tester! He loved them :D 

Who is Ebony Williams?

Ebony Does: Replacing Laptop Screen

Look, I grew up like this, if it's broke don't throw it away try to fix it until there's no more options and THEN toss it! I carried that way of thinking with me into my adult life. I've learned how to fix minor issues with my car belt, break pads, do my weave, cook certain things all via YouTube; and now I'm learning how to fix my laptop screen! Call me Ms.Fix-It!

The screen was only  $30 on amazon, and my computer is now worth maybe $300. The programs on this laptop is where the hard money comes in. I have all my production and editing programs that I got FOR FREE on this laptop! If I were to toss it because of a broken screen, I would spend way more on a new laptop and I would have to buy all those programs. No thank you!

So first I watched about a million YouTube videos trying to figure out what I need. I can put down my power tool (disappointed) because I simply needed a flat head and phillps screw driver and a pair of tweezers.

Side note: having a video that's over 20 minutes long for this project makes no sense! Now that I went through the process, I'm going to need these guys to talk a little faster, there's no reason to be  sloth.


Now that I'm properly armed, I'm ready to take on this task! Lets get this screen off!!

 My excitement was quickly stopped because I forgot... I fast forwarded past 15 minutes and missed the part where he showed how to take the screen off.

 Okay, now I'm back in the game! I watched the painful 10 minutes and now I can take off the frame and I'm unscrewing the little screws. I need glasses because those screw were WAY to small!

 BOOM SHAKA LAKA! I got it! Ya girl is good! Don't want to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT!

 This damn broken screen! I want to toss it, snap it, throw it against the wall, bite it! If you can't tell it's caused me a lot of frustration!

 Put the new screen on, screwed everything in correctly. Bodda bing, bodda boom it's fixed! That damn 20 minute video for less then 5 minutes of work.

 Then I remembered my other laptop has a broken screen too.. Do NOT judge me! My nickname is Murph for Murphy's Law, anything that can go wrong will! But now that I'm a pro, I got this!

Why hello baby, mama is glad to have you back! :D  You can learn anything from YouTube. You have no excuses!

Damon Wayans Jr Talks About His Comedy Tour, Why He Left New Girl, Who The Funniest Wayans Is & More!

Another member from my favorite family came by! We chit chatted and no he doesn't smoke weed.. he sees creepy things when he does!

SHOWS At Comedy Works SOUTH
Thur 6/15 7:30pm
Fri 6/16 7:15pm & 9:45pm
Sat 6/17 7:15pm & 9:45pm

Tickets available at ComedyWorks.com

La Di Da Di

La di da di
can easily be finished with we like to party
But instead of drowning myself in Uncle Snoop songs
I'm drowning in a song of my own.

La di da di
as I watched a mama bird feed her baby
a squirrel frantically struggling to find their nuts
a coyote slyly move to the back woods because daylight is quickly approaching
I breathe in and focus on the earth
I feel my heart beating in a different way
my eyes seeing things I normal mistake as bad but in reality it's good
my tongue releasing an ode of gratitude to the up high

La di da di
as I pay attention to the creases in my face
the lines on my backside
the freckles on my cheeks
the scars on my arms
while all being aware of the scars on my heart

La di da di
as I make breakfast
egg whites and turkey sausage
no juice but instead I drink water
sit at my counter as I watch the second hand
do a seductive dance past the minute hand wanting him to catch her
but the thing is he never does.

La di da di
as I drive to work with no music just peace.
no thought just an eagerness to hear a message from God
my Papa, oh how I want to hear his voice so badly.
I watch the happiness from the geese when the grass is green
I hear the love in the voice of the birds as they land on a steady firm tree branch

La di da di
As I reminisce on one of the best moments of my life
not wanting it to end
but you see
that damn thing called time, calls for an ending of all things when it's right.
But that's when my friend steps in

Memory

She holds all my la di da di's
She loves bringing them up so I can sink back into that place
She loves long conversations of reminiscing
She even loves making me cry
So even though it's over for the moment

I'll still

La di da di

Until next time.

<3 Ebony