I am Not Something For You To Masturbate With.

SEX!

Did that make you uncomfortable? I hope not! I love talking about it, mainly because I go in and out on my journey of The Wait. Also people love asking me, why I'm not having sex? Or why it's so easy for me to have sex and then quickly dismiss it and not have it for another year or two. The answer is simple. I'm at this time in my life where I'm tired of sex. I'm tired of being unsatisfied. If you don't know me, then you have no idea that I am a great actress. 9 times out of 10 I, like many of my fellow ladies out there, I have faked the big O, just so it'll be over with. If I can be honest, as I always am, only two guys have been great at this, ONLY TWO. So why do I stop having sex?

Because my body is not something for you to masturbate with. 

And that's all (to me) what sex is without any type of emotional connection. If I'm not crazy about you or hell, if I'm not in love with you then that's just what I am. I'm a human sock that you are using as if you were in the 7th grade; masturbating into another clean white sock only to shove it under the bed or in a laundry basket when you're done. Excuse my frank nature when it comes to this topic, but let's get real. We've all felt this way at some point in time. We all get to a place in our lives where sex is just not enough. Why would I keep having sex when 1. I will not be marrying you, 2. it's lame, 3. you most likely have no clue what you're doing, 4. I have to fake it and 5. it's boring to me.

I wasn't going to write this, but I got into a deep conversation with a male suitor of mine, and he said "Damn, you should write that out. When you said I'm not something for you to masturbate with,that alone paints such a vivid picture." I stuttered on it, and said no at first. As I open my phone to half naked bathroom pics from guys, while some men say "they want me", others claim to "crave me" etc. I can't  help but reply "cool" or something blow offish to them, because I'm not in that mindset and it's simply not worth it. Now this guy is great, he's on his own journey of the wait. So as we continue to spend so much time together, yes that tension is there, but waiting for it; to us is important.

When I'm sinning in sex, my life isn't as great as it could be. 

And to those who follow God, or reading certain things in the bible, or have experience with the shift in your movement when you're freely having sex, you get it. When it comes to me, when I'm having sex, other things in my life aren't going so well.  When I'm able to control those emotions and temptations, I see clearer and blessings pour more abundantly for me. I understand the power of sex, I understand what it was meant for, I understand what it can do for me and why it works against me. The next time that I do have sex, I want it to be with someone that I love deeply. I want it to be with someone who I know for a fact, without assumptions, that cares for me as much as I do him if not more. I'm at this point in my life where I want it all. 

I want all of what Papa (God) has for me.

So, will I lose contacts with certain men when they find out that my cookie shop is closed? Yes. Will I lose those contacts with certain men who I have had sex with in the past who will realize that there will never be a future? Yes. Although, if they didn't get the hint now, I don't know what to tell ya little buddy. I understand my power in life and in this world. I understand what it revolves around. I also understand that if I continue to hold it close to my heart that Papa's paths for me become easier to see. So why do I go in and out of the wait? Because its my choice.

<3 Ebony