Goodbye 2017

Oh what a year 2017 was. It was full of self discovery. Full of  me pushing my limits. Full of me doing what we all should do, taking time to love yourself.

I have no complaints for 2017. I kicked ass in radio yet again, I have ratings to prove so. I learned to love and let it go. I've learned to love my body and be comfortable with every scar, bump, fat bulge and more. Most importantly 2017 was the year when I finally decided to say fuck you to what others want for me and HELLO to what I wanted for me.

You only live once, so live for you. 

I've realized that I am a badass and no one should be able to tell me otherwise. I've seen my faults and that I'm really harsh not just on myself but on those that I love. I'm silent with my judgement but boy was I judgmental! I've learned to truly forgive and the power that it holds to let go and chose to love instead.

I've taken my mirror and looked at the dirty reflection and
 loved the process of cleaning it up. 

I took the giant leap of faith and moved to Los Angels. It was a plan well in the mix when I was six years old and told my dad where I was going to live. As of March 2017 it became a reality and it finally happened in August 2017. When God says move you move! I took all my signs, my prayers, meditations and everything else that came with this journey and sold all my stuff and hit the road.

2017 was all about me and I have no apologizes for it. 

2018 will be all about my power and what God will use me for. I have a great feeling about next year. I'll leave it at that because some things are better left unsaid.

<3 Ebony

Merry Christmas!

I hope you're enjoying your day today or evening 

depending on when you're able to read this. 

I hope that today, you were able to relax. This time of year can be very stressful for all of us. For some reason, the holiday time puts us in an overly disgusting cheerfully mood, or have us manically panicked, or increasingly depressed and even for some of us all three! I was watching a sermon by Steven Furtick who preaches at Elevation Church in one of the Carolina's and he shared that during the holiday time, it's a time where the devil is most at work.

It make me sit back and think for a minute how true this saying is. Personally, when I have a breakdown or a panic attack or an attack from the devil, it's usually during the winter months. When I dig further into it, it always happens during the Christmas season. Why is that? Well, I think it's because there's an overwhelming sense of pressure during this time.

For me, all of my major moves that God calls me to do happen during this time. My bank account takes a major hit, I'm never where I want to be personally or professionally, but I still move when he says move, no matter what location, what job, I do as instructed. This time around, something is a little different. I'm finally where I want to be location wise and everything else is falling into place. I've mentioned this before, but I'm finally in a place of  happiness.

When I started to chase what matters most to me, everything got a little easier. When I left a place of certainty to follow my heart, my passion, my calling, it's not easy to remain faithful to God or to listen to him; but when I finally did it, the overwhelming sense of peace that fills my heart is amazing. I've been struggling a lot, but it's never getting to me. Instead, this time, my struggles are helping me. I could cave, leave and do what's easy; but I truly gave God everything!

 I can finally see him at work. 

I no longer stress, I don't worry, I don't cry, instead, I live my life, I enjoy myself, I experience the best situations and experiences. I've met new people and love them all differently. I've seen who is for me and who is against me. Who should be in my life or who I should let parish. I've accepted people in their seasons and appreciated them for it. I've learned to love while learning to love myself in the process.

Most importantly, I've realized it's time to help myself.

All of this, just by leaving what's familiar and trusting God with the rest. I know what 2018 has to offer. Well, I know that God is about to show out and I'm so excited. He gave me a little taste of it when I left Denver and moved to Los Angeles. I'm sitting tight in praise and worship at every corner whether something moves in my favor or is denied to me for my protection.

So, let's do something different this holiday season. Instead of letting it take a dig at us. Take time to relax and love yourself. Loving yourself is one of the most important things in this crazy beautifully twisted thing we call life.

<3 Ebony 

Still Going Straight

I've been taking a break from social media and some other things in life. When I moved to Los Angeles, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace in my heart. When I drove from Denver, CO to North Hollywood, tears of joy came down my face on the 15 hour drive as I passed through many state lines. A sense of relief that it's finally here, constant prayer of gratitude as I would look to my right and see my dad trying his best not to take a nap.

I've taken leaps of faith before, however I haven't taken one that's this huge! To seriously give up everything because God said it's time. Thing is, I have no idea what it's time for. All I know is that he said move. With his track record in history and in my life, who am I to question what he says? He's been showing me little things so far that this is where he wants me.

I love when I pray certain things and he shows out just to prove that he's listening. He knows all his children, so he knows what I'm about to ask him and he delivers if not right before I ask it's quickly after I ask.  The hardest part is shutting up, sitting still and listening. Waiting to hear him and the next move for me. When do I turn right Papa? I have to stand the silence because when it's my turn to make that right, like Pastor Joel Osteen said, like a GPS God will tell to you when turn right.

 So I'm still going straight. 

In the mean time, I've been crazy busy enjoying life and loving myself and all that's  been coming my way. The people, the dating, the vegan restaurants, the hiking, the beaches, the concerts, the love in the silence when I'm alone. I'm so in love with this stage of my life I'm not documenting it. I'm hardly posting on social media because I'm enjoying my company why would I want to be on my phone? 

As we all start to head into a new season, I encourage you to do things that make you happy. I pray that you focus on what makes you, you. Do you want to start that business? Do you want to get into better shape? Do you want to get closer to God? Do you want to find love? Do you want true happiness? Do you want to chase your dreams? Whatever it is that'll make you happy, I hope you go for it. 

Life is to short for what ifs.

<3 Ebony 

Last Night Was One Of My Toughest Nights

I feel like, I should give her a name.

I could call her a bitch. She definitely is one of many links to Satan. She was paralyzing last night.  I felt like I was held captive in my own thoughts and in my own body.  If you suffer from depression, you randomly get in this state of being in an out of body experience. You think of scenarios in your head and you feel all the pain that comes along with it, and at times you might think about dying; only to wake up and be sad that you're still alive.

I haven't been to sleep yet.

You think of how much happier it'll be if you were no longer here. If you were to be released from this pain. You start to think of a world of freedom from this suffocating feeling and SHE grabs hold of that. SHE knows that you're in pain and experiencing something that only GOD can release you from. I mean, you could take medications but who seriously wants to take medicine for depression when some of the side effects include increased depression and suicidal thoughts?

SHE likes to sit on my chest and back at the same time. SHE squeezes the life out of me, my anxiety rises, the lightness seems to darken quickly. I'm trying to paint a vivid picture of what SHE's like for me. SHE's like a color pallet, you never know which shade you'll get or when it'll change. You could be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden SHE waves at you from a distance and sprints to you. You could think about that one person who makes your heart flutter, and she comes and kisses you on the cheek.

I should give her a name, but I don't know what I should call her. 

Asshole maybe? It's something that I pray on. Unfortunately these prayers have yet to be answered, he must be busy. Or he must want me to take myself out, which is why he hasn't healed me from this. I hope that's not the case. In a perfect world, I'll wake up and SHE'll be gone. I believe that it'll happen, I know he hears my prayers and that he'll answer them on his time. God never gives you something that you can't handle.

I got this.

Despite being captive. SHE didn't want me to move this morning. SHE was happy to have had me last night. Taunting me, smiling at me while I'm screaming as loud as I can. I'm trying to breathe and  run as fast as I can away from her; but she grabs hold of my right ankle and pulled me back in. SHE almost won last night. Instead of doing what SHE wanted, I kept praying, I'm tired and I'm exhausted, but yet, I still feel as if I triumphed.

I think I weakened her. 

I went to the gym this morning as usual. SHE crept back in right when I found the perfect parking spot. SHE grabbed my neck and secured me to my seat. I was trapped, couldn't breathe, my inhaler wasn't working for me, and my tears were like a waterfall. I managed to leave the car, and cry silently in the bathroom stall. I wanted to leave, but instead I ran and then I lifted weights. Then I praised GOD for the strength to fight. 

It might seem silly, but I think I'm winning. I can feel myself getting stronger. Huh, maybe he is answering my prayer. 

<3 Ebony 

You Being Strong Has Nothing To Do With It

One of my male suitors, made the comment on how strong I am. Then followed it up with "is that part of why you're single?" I had to reply and let him know that I'm single by choice, I don't have to be. I never have to be, I have plenty of amazing male suitors who want me; I'm in no rush and I'm in love with the process <- (click the link for more on that.) I went in on him... granted mother nature was knocking so my PMS was WAY up there. Oops, my bad.

Let me just say that saying a woman is strong and that's why 

she is single is a societal back handed compliment. 

I think plenty of women use that as a crutch or an excuse as to why they're single which is simply not the case. How about instead of using your supposed strength as a woman and saying that, that's why you're single; and instead wake up and realize that you're single probably because you're messing around with weak men, or men that are simply not interested in you, or you simply haven't found that king yet. There's a difference between a strong woman who talks and engages with a hot strong man, versus one who wants that super hot man who can offer her absolutely nothing except mind blowing sex. Most of the time, ladies lets be honest, we go for the mind blowing sex.

Some women dismiss the nice guy because he's unfamiliar territory

For some reason plenty of women and men go for those who have nothing of substance or importance to offer them. Then they have the nerve to get disappointed when their childish asses leaves or isn't what they wanted them to be. Now, I'm speaking to both men and women here. This whole dating world is so screwed up, it's comical in a sense. We're used to being treated like shit, if a good one comes along it's like rocket science. Or some how our malware malfunctions and we have no idea how to act and find a way to mess it all up.

Vanity rules our society. 

Now ladies, I'm an ear to many of you. I know plenty of women who recite how men don't want a strong woman. May I throw in there, that this usually happens after they get rejected. Here's what I noticed from the ladies who I have conversations with and who use that strong woman singleness bullshit, they have so many issues within themselves that they're failing to see what it's attracting. And guess what ladies and gents, men can smell an insecure woman a mile away. I personally know men who prey on those women. It's weird to watch the trap be set, the lies, the words and actions of my male acquaintances. It's stranger to watch how some women are so quick to fall for it.

You may say that you want a relationship, but in reality you  might not be ready for it.

We're so fixated on the idea that we have to be in a relationship, that most of us are willing to settle. Most of use don't care and just want someone. Most of us are desperate. Here's the problem with that, being anxious and desperate about finding your partner. When you get into that mindset, you settle for temporary happiness. In the end, those rushed relationships never work out, it does for the moment but when life comes in and you have to talk about futures; they never line up. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want temporary love.

Men are designed to be with women so yes they can handle you! 

They just might not want YOU. 

Call it mean or rude but it's the truth. If a man doesn't want you, then that's it he simply doesn't want you and it has nothing to do with how strong you are, you're simply not his cup of tea. You don't fit his mold, his vision for where he wants his life to go etc. Why is it okay for us women to dismiss men, talk about it with our girls and keep it pushing; but if a man does it, then he's lame, weak, stupid etc.? Take that as a blessing if a man moves on from you. In my opinion, the most horrible thing we can do, is be with someone we know is not right for us. All the wasted time, energy, emotions, 21 questions who seriously wants to go through with that?

No more excuses. No more crutches. Instead, lets look within, love ourselves and enjoy this journey! You don't want a man or woman to be with you when you  know it's not right. You don't want your time wasted either. So STOP saying you're single because you're strong, and start saying you're single because you're not settling for someone who's less than perfect and awesome as yourself.

After all, you do deserve the best my love.

<3 Ebony