Dear Anemia,
I know why you've come into my life, it's because my body lacks in red blood cells which leads to less oxygen flow throughout my body. Because of you, dear anemia, I feel like crap. I get rejected when I want to give blood because welp I cannot. When it's lady time, I'm at my most miserable time every-time.... why.. because I'm losing MORE BLOOD! Might be TMI, but oh well, we're all friends here. And on a morning like today's, I feel like total shit. I'm already tired, exhausted, stressed beyond belief and the last thing I need right now is for my anemia to kick it into high drive.
Now let's reverse to last night shall we?
Yesterday I had the joy of being in pain all day and night. When I got home from work I immediately took off my smile and went to my bedroom where I laid down for hours. I was dizzy, light headed, my heart was beating so hard it wanted to come out of my chest. My I mention that I also have asthma, so when this happens, I freak out get into a panic attack which then leads to an asthma attack. No matter how many puffs I would take to try and gain some control of my rapid irregular heartbeat, it failed. So I had no choice but to lay there, alone for hours until my body calmed down. I hate when this happens because I'm at my most helpless stage and it's scary.
So dear anemia, I hate you I truly do. For me, you cripple me and take advantage of the pain and my lack of motion. However, I understand that without you,I wouldn't be who I am. I've been told that anemia can get better, not sure if that's true but if it is I pray for a day when mine will be taken away and I don't get into this manic episodes of pain, rapid heartbeat, fainting and so on.
Until next time, can you take it easy on me? I would greatly appreciate it.
<3 Ebony
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Slowly Drifting
Do you ever want it all to stop? The world I mean, to just stop so you can breathe? So you can take in the wonders of the world and look at all the beauty that Papa (God) has created? So you can sit in silence and just enjoy your breakfast without your phone going off, or people at your door, or maybe even the people that you live with bothering you?
I want time to stop when the sunrises. When it's that beautiful color of heaven. You know, the purple, orange and yellows that dance in the sky as if they're doing the Rumba. Slowly and sexily swaying side to side. Taunting the sun because, they're playing in the abyss; while he slowly rises and is forced to watch their romance as he comes up alone. Then once he does rise, they slowly sway their hips left and right until they disappear waiting for their moonlit dance later on that evening in the stars.
I like that time of day because the birds sing quietly. It's soft, not alarming but just enough to take your mind to this place of peace. Then on some mornings, you can catch the wind whispering in your ear. She's seductive that one, so smooth with her words and light whistles as she passes your ears and plays in your hair. If you're lucky you can catch a mama feeding her babies. Might be a squirrel, or a bird and in my case I saw a coyote one morning. They all hunt in silence as their young sleeps. They leave quickly and come back just in time when they stretch their little legs. it's quite beautiful.
That's when I want time to stop the most. I love to watch, take it all in and be lost in the scene. I slowly drift away in the beauty that is peace and love. When I watch in the morning, that's when I understand what love and creations are all about. That's when I'm inspired the most. That's when I workout, that's when I read the best and that's when I'm able to relax.
Slowly drifting...my attention span is weird. Some days it's on, others I'm like a toddler in a room full of shinny things and loud noises. Ultimately, I'm a drifter. A dreamer. Someone who can get lost in a world of her imagination at any point of the day, at any time and in any situation. I have visions of a life of peace and I get sad when I get out of those visions because I'm truly not at peace. I pray to Papa for it, and I'm patiently waiting. I pray to Papa for some sign, help, anything so that I will be okay. The only place that I am okay in... is that in my head. The dreams. The imagination. The writing.
Writing is life for me. It's the blood that goes through my veins. And my heart, that strong beast, she is imagination. Without the two I am nothing... but a loner... one who has no idea what it's like to drift away in peace. Or dance in the colors of the sky. I would simply be a book with no pages or words. Just a hard cold cover, wondering what life is about.
<3 Ebony
I want time to stop when the sunrises. When it's that beautiful color of heaven. You know, the purple, orange and yellows that dance in the sky as if they're doing the Rumba. Slowly and sexily swaying side to side. Taunting the sun because, they're playing in the abyss; while he slowly rises and is forced to watch their romance as he comes up alone. Then once he does rise, they slowly sway their hips left and right until they disappear waiting for their moonlit dance later on that evening in the stars.
I like that time of day because the birds sing quietly. It's soft, not alarming but just enough to take your mind to this place of peace. Then on some mornings, you can catch the wind whispering in your ear. She's seductive that one, so smooth with her words and light whistles as she passes your ears and plays in your hair. If you're lucky you can catch a mama feeding her babies. Might be a squirrel, or a bird and in my case I saw a coyote one morning. They all hunt in silence as their young sleeps. They leave quickly and come back just in time when they stretch their little legs. it's quite beautiful.
That's when I want time to stop the most. I love to watch, take it all in and be lost in the scene. I slowly drift away in the beauty that is peace and love. When I watch in the morning, that's when I understand what love and creations are all about. That's when I'm inspired the most. That's when I workout, that's when I read the best and that's when I'm able to relax.
Slowly drifting...my attention span is weird. Some days it's on, others I'm like a toddler in a room full of shinny things and loud noises. Ultimately, I'm a drifter. A dreamer. Someone who can get lost in a world of her imagination at any point of the day, at any time and in any situation. I have visions of a life of peace and I get sad when I get out of those visions because I'm truly not at peace. I pray to Papa for it, and I'm patiently waiting. I pray to Papa for some sign, help, anything so that I will be okay. The only place that I am okay in... is that in my head. The dreams. The imagination. The writing.
Writing is life for me. It's the blood that goes through my veins. And my heart, that strong beast, she is imagination. Without the two I am nothing... but a loner... one who has no idea what it's like to drift away in peace. Or dance in the colors of the sky. I would simply be a book with no pages or words. Just a hard cold cover, wondering what life is about.
<3 Ebony
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Last Night Lead to a Breakthrough
Last night, I was writing in my prayer journal for protection over my heart. Then Papa (God) directed me to a few bible verses. I stopped writing and looked up the following:
My entire prayer changed. The Holy Spirit showed me that I still needed to be praying for forgiveness. I have forgiven some people in the way of, if I see them again I'm not bothered or I can be in the same room and go on about my life. I have yet to forgive them in a sense of praying for them. I still have certain people in a choke-hold, so Papa how do I release them so I can be free? The answer was simple I still need to work on forgiveness and it's true meaning.
Man, forgiving is hard! How can I do that? What's the best way to get through to me? Music, Papa lead me to some of my favorite worship songs.
You Make Me Brave- I always breakdown at the chorus of this song. He wanted me to listen to this because HE makes me brave. HE will protect me.. And with HIM I'll be okay.
Holy Spirit- I'm a cry baby at the first sound of the beat. I was lead to this one because the Holy Spirit wanted his time with me.
I was a mess after last nights intimate session with Papa. I've never cried so hard, felt so weak and yet empowered. I forgot what it was like when I made time for Papa, talked with Jesus and asked the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. I was back in a place much like where I was in Texas. In my room, music loud, crying out, reading, writing and being still. Man did it feel good.
<3 Ebony
Romans 12:18 if it's possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Col 3:13: bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone forgive as the Lord forgave you.
1 John 4:16 and so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them
It was revealed to me that my heart is weak.
I said:
"Papa I know this, that's why I need your protection."
He said:
"No, it needs to learn to forgive so it can grow in love and in return you can love and properly receive love."
My entire prayer changed. The Holy Spirit showed me that I still needed to be praying for forgiveness. I have forgiven some people in the way of, if I see them again I'm not bothered or I can be in the same room and go on about my life. I have yet to forgive them in a sense of praying for them. I still have certain people in a choke-hold, so Papa how do I release them so I can be free? The answer was simple I still need to work on forgiveness and it's true meaning.
Man, forgiving is hard! How can I do that? What's the best way to get through to me? Music, Papa lead me to some of my favorite worship songs.
You Make Me Brave- I always breakdown at the chorus of this song. He wanted me to listen to this because HE makes me brave. HE will protect me.. And with HIM I'll be okay.
Holy Spirit- I'm a cry baby at the first sound of the beat. I was lead to this one because the Holy Spirit wanted his time with me.
I was a mess after last nights intimate session with Papa. I've never cried so hard, felt so weak and yet empowered. I forgot what it was like when I made time for Papa, talked with Jesus and asked the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance. I was back in a place much like where I was in Texas. In my room, music loud, crying out, reading, writing and being still. Man did it feel good.
<3 Ebony
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Happy New Year!
Why hello love! Happy New Year! I hope you brought it in, in an amazing way.
As we start 2017 some might have resolutions, others are going to wing it and some are like Mr.Scrooge and "bah humbug" it. A part of me wanted to do all those things. Then as I sat in my house, getting dolled up for New Years Eve, I had a moment with God, Papa as I call him that I would love to share with you.
We talked about everything that I had overcome and accomplished in 2016. All the negative and rude people that I encountered along the way and how it strengthened me. All the doubt that people around me created when it came to my goals of graduating college and so much more. We talked about my journey of FORGIVENESS to ALL that have hurt me and some that are continuously trying to hurt me. I have to admit, talking to Papa ruined my make-up but for him, it's worth it.
I promised myself that after an amazing self growth phase that 2016 was for me, that in 2017 will be full of more growth.
For you, I pray that all your resolutions and deepest desires come true. I hope that you concur that fear, step out on a limb and chase your dreams, find self love within yourself and love this great thing called life.
A good friend shared this scripture with me :
As we start 2017 some might have resolutions, others are going to wing it and some are like Mr.Scrooge and "bah humbug" it. A part of me wanted to do all those things. Then as I sat in my house, getting dolled up for New Years Eve, I had a moment with God, Papa as I call him that I would love to share with you.
We talked about everything that I had overcome and accomplished in 2016. All the negative and rude people that I encountered along the way and how it strengthened me. All the doubt that people around me created when it came to my goals of graduating college and so much more. We talked about my journey of FORGIVENESS to ALL that have hurt me and some that are continuously trying to hurt me. I have to admit, talking to Papa ruined my make-up but for him, it's worth it.
I promised myself that after an amazing self growth phase that 2016 was for me, that in 2017 will be full of more growth.
For you, I pray that all your resolutions and deepest desires come true. I hope that you concur that fear, step out on a limb and chase your dreams, find self love within yourself and love this great thing called life.
A good friend shared this scripture with me :
Isaiah 40:30:
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
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