Reflection Admiration

I walked past you the other day
Saw your reflection in the mirror
I must say I loved what I was seeing 
I know you saw me because you gave me a smile
You changed your body language so it was facing me

We made eye contact... but didn't exchange words
We were locked in for sometime everything else was a blur
Like drinking to the point of feeling good.
That intoxicating feeling of lust, love and desires
Met with the inquiry of finding out more
But, we stayed in the silence admiring the new look

Truth is, we've seen each other before
on various platforms
in different settings
even shared a bed, a meal, a drink
saw each other while we were brushing our teeth

Something different about this encounter
You give off a glow, a light that's drawing people in
Your confidence has sky rocketed
Your desires are worn on your sleeve
Your eyes tell me that you want more

Your heart is beating to a different tune
One sound that is smooth
It's up and down in a tamed way
A little chaotic when the chorus plays
that's only because you're waiting for that match
Maybe the drum line or the auto-tune perhaps?

Something to mix and intertwine with your thoughts
you're ready now for a brand new start.
Yeah, we've met before as your reflection is
just like mine. Different in the ways of growth
in body, soul, heart and mind.

We have changed and the mirror shows us our truth
It's a new me looking back at you.
Those hidden gems have come to the surface.
The ill thoughts have been placed on the burner and torched
I have no room in my closet for how I used to see myself before.

Cleaned shop in a house of mirrors.
Just me and my admiration of my self reflections.

<3 Ebony 

Cafe HonesTea: Mercury to Mermaids and Marriage

OH MAN! From Mercury to mermaids and marriage! listen below and 

check for Cafe HonesTea in your podcast apps! 

Cafe HonesTea: Rx Abortion?

You love my writing but I know I can't get anything past you. 

So here's what happened a few months ago that caused me to go silent. 

Make sure to check out Cafe HonesTea in your podcast apps!

Disturbing "God Control" Madonna

Wow.. Guys I'm going to share a few things with you before you watch this video. 

Madonna is no stranger when it comes to how she feels about gun control and gun violence. She voices her opinions and spills her heart out to her millions of followers on her social media platforms. Yesterday, 6.26.19, the legend herself, released an intense, disturbing reality with the music video God Control. I would take the opening message to heart when she warns you about what you're about to see. 

This is your wake up call. Gun violence disproportionately affects children, teenagers and the marginalized in our communities. Honor the victims and demand GUN CONTROL. NOW. Volunteer, stand up, donate, reach out.

— Madonna (@Madonna) June 26, 2019

When it comes to gun control, I believe we all have the right to the second amendment. With that said, having military artillery or assault weapons to protect your "home" is unnecessary. I agree that the high level of guns needs to be controlled. Not saying that you shouldn't be allowed to have a hand gun or shot gun, but why do you need an AK-47 or a machine gun ? IF it's not your career, you don't need those types of weapons.

I understand the corny saying "guns don't kill people, people kill people." yeah.. and without that gun they wouldn't kill someone. If we're honest, most of our law enforcement shouldn't be allowed to carry; but hey, here we are. Guns are in the hands of the wrong people all the time, so how do we fix this.. aside for screaming for gun control? Or is that the only option?

Madonna 's new video "God Control" is a vision of the reality we still don't want to discuss. I get what she was going for & find it very triggering for some & disturbing.. but yet, that's the point.

Madame ❌ is everywhere...............My new album is out now - listen here https://t.co/cwDiAKmsiv pic.twitter.com/N9u4mVTZ7Q

— Madonna (@Madonna) June 14, 2019

Not Broke Not Rich - Tayy Tarantino

Oh, how I LOVE music. I'm in countless studios of major artists, upcoming artists and underground artists so much it's hard for me to keep track of who is doing what. I'm privy to plenty of musicians who are so amazing in their craft, it makes me a little picky when it comes to my rap music. If I'm honest, I've been picky with rap ever since I was introduced to the poetic styles of the east coast, and the smooth music of the west when I was about 7 years-old. I've always been a lyrics girl, I LOVE a good story when it comes to what I'm listening too. I tend to listen to artists who have a poetic nature like, Nas, Rakim, Philly Freeway, Big K.R.I.T, Nipsey Hussle and Talib Kewli to name a few (My list can go on for DAYS.)   

Who am I playing now? 

Three years ago Alaska's own Tayy Tarantino released the album Homecoming which caused a major movement for the Alaskan music scene. So much so that I had to write about it.  

Tarantino released a few projects since that were great! But not as big, different and needed as his most recent album NOT BROKE NOT RICH.  This album is an example as to what growth  means.

If you follow Tarantino on his social media, you get a glimpse of what it's like to be a loving father, dedicated to music, inspired by cultural surrounds all while not missing the big picture....staying true to who you are. 

With each new project, Tarantino displays a new stage of self awareness.  In EACH album, he takes us on a journey of his life by murdering us with lyrics that pierce our hearts and make us bleed reality. With each song it was a roller coaster of emotion and love that you had no choice but to feel and admire. That is why his dedicated fan base is drawn to him. He has a way to reach you, to feed into you and let you in his world. The best part about that, is he's not apologetic for his truth.

3 years later

With NOT BROKE NOT RICH, Tarantino, to no surprise has done it again. This time, his moves are a little more solidified and the risks are higher. He gives you his classic sound, some amazing beats and not to mention a little reggae tone in a few songs. I love the risks creatives take when it comes to their work. Trying something new is a hit or a miss and by dabbling into that reggae sound, it was a hit.

Being an Alaskan native myself, opening the album with  Not Broke Not Rich you get sucked into this hypnotizing sound with poetic lyrics of the reality of being in the middle of life. There's more to it than money. There's more to dreams than cars and throwing your money away at the club. There's levels to this shit.. there's levels to life, and Tarantino brings you in slowly to his 13 track album as to what that is. 

My favorite song: 2am in Anchorage 

When it comes to his music, it's hard for me to pick a favorite song. But 2am in Anchorage did what artists want their work to do to you... It made ME FEEL something. It made me miss the Last Frontier. 2am's in Anchorage (in summer) is bright and peaceful. When I was younger, 2am's were usually filled with my friends and I leaving the club heading to Denny's. Keeping the party going with feel good music to end the night perfectly. The reminiscent of ending a perfect night and placing it in the "middle"  of the  album IS genius.

It's always a little difficult for me to write about his music because I don't want to give to much of the art away. I can go into detail of every song, every beat, the album cover and my opinions. The best way to describe this piece of art, is ....refreshing. I'm happy to see a project dispel so much heart, time, dedication, thought, love and it's long overdue. Being a Tarantino fan for a decade or so now, I've witnessed his growth. And you can too if you check him out on YouTube and social. It's amazing to see what we go through and how we channel that into something pure.

NOT BROKE NOT RICH tells a story of life, expectations, wants, desires and dreams.  Available now on all major outlets, trust me, and bless your LIFE with this piece of art by Tayy Tarantino.

Check out more here www.tayytarantino.com

Glasses Off

As I was faced with a difficult decision last week,

 I've come to terms with realizing that it was for the best. 

That's what I want this blog to sound like. All professional and correct, but in reality here's the truth.

When you let that shit go, watch God work! 

Can I use a cuss-word and God in the same sentence? Oh well, he says come as you are and he KNOWS exactly who I am. This odd little being that he created and continues to love, support and bless. God is the real MVP in my life, then it's my dad.... hi dad.. love you :)

Anyways! Back on subject! 

One thing I realized when deciding whether or not I wanted to stay in something or leave it. Is what happens in the moments after you left something that isn't good for you. When you're finally able to tap into this new reality... the real reality... YOUR reality of what's truly going on around you. When you take those GLASSES OFF, you'll be surprised to see what's been standing around you this entire time.

I knew that God was trying to move me in a certain direction. I felt it, but after being faced with some hard struggles I had some tough decisions to make, take the high road or the hard road. I chose the latter. The road that would destroy my body for a few months and allow my heart to shatter and be pieced together in the weeks to follow. After making the RIGHT decisions for me, no matter how lonely it would leave me in the moment, it was the best thing I've ever experienced.

Ditch the shades and see the light! 

What I noticed is that it takes a great deal of strength to put yourself first. I was reading this article on how you tend to self-sabotage things all based on your zodiac signs. I'm a Pisces, and for us we tend to self-sabotage by self-sacrifice. Which I'm very guilty of that, I would put my boyfriends needs over mine in any situation. I always thought of the other person. I would do as much as I could and run myself ragged just to please someone else. Hell I had sex with one man for 6 years... I'm a very loyal person, and I know this is a strength and my biggest weakness. 

My life coach said: 

"Ebony, you struggle with a fear of putting you first. 

You  fear that by doing so, You'll disappoint someone because

You won't be able to be there for them..."

 This is a hard fact. 

For me, my strength in loyalty also hurt me because I had on an amazing pair of vintage rose colored glasses. They were one of a kind. I would see people in this light... a light that was so beautiful and it would illuminate their best features and make their ugly parts beautiful. I have a tendency to see people as good, even when they're displaying that they aren't. 

Optimistic stupidity is what I call it. So, for me to take a step forward and put myself first despite the fear of losing someone, it felt so damn good. I have to admit, I feel invincible. While finding this new sense of Ebony, I'm being introduced to those alike... and I have to say, I'm loving this next stage in life. 

Poem: RU-486

Staring at the fan, while I lay on the floor.
  Nothing but bottoms on and sweat everywhere.
The gripping pain that beats from within.
 As the stains fill my feminine napkin.
I can't help but think that the beats were yours.
After all, you did survive a red waterfall and a small pill.

 Getting the notice that you were there was shocking enough.
Damn, I thought to myself, this little thing is tough.
 Still faced with a decision alongside the suitor
Conjuring up the plan and idea that father time wasn't on our side.

So I can get a better understanding, I went to a building the next day.
Cold, dirty, smelled funny I must say.
 Saw no white coat, or sport jacketed man.
Just a cold instrument placed inside me along with a hand.

 5 weeks of wonder and no surprise it wasn't me but you.
Saw the evidence of your existence, something I'll never be able to undo.
 A torture I now have to live with is that, that was as big as you were gonna get.
Taken into another room, two minutes prior was the last time I would see you.

The next day, I pulled in the driveway and immediately felt regret.
 I ran to the bathroom and tried to shower.
No amount of hot water could wash away the shit that would happen next.
 This is all my fault, I gave myself the blame.

Oh how I desperately wanted you to survive.
 Just one more time, I whispered to you.
Surprise me.. you've done it before.
 As I squeeze my stomach and lay on the floor.

I tried to put clothes on but the pain was so strong.
 Clots passed..One every other minute had me keeling over in pain.
I screamed to the Father asking him to ease me and take it away.
 But I knew, this was something I had to go through.

I remember the sight of blackness, three times around.
 The sound of my walls shedding as a pool of red sits beneath me.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh how I wanted you to fight.
 But I'm a team player despite what I desire inside.

 Over two hours of pain... I can't begin to explain.
I was so weak, my body kept me on the floor so I could sleep.
 Almost a week later since you made your departure.
I'm still reminded of you, the traces of you as the waterfall continues.

Shame, guilt, hate, anger. Everything is what I feel for myself.
 Unworthy of breathing is what comes across my mind.
A spirit worth killing is what I feel deep inside.
 A spirit that is mine since I already lost yours.

As for you....I can't even tell you how I feel.
 I can't even look at you or stand your smell.
In the stages of anger, I've been through the first 4.
 Hoping this is the last one and I'll feel no more.

I wonder if I'll shake this....
  I'm not sure if I can...
Maybe I should delete your sonogram?
 Toss the four tests that I keep in my purse.
Not like it'll bring you back and allow you to walk on this earth.

A sense of emptiness has hit me ever since that day.
 Useless is how I feel, and I can't seem to pray it away.
I have so many words, but they don't make sense.
 How I'm able to write this now, I still don't understand.

<3 Ebony

Cafe HonesTea: Why I Go To Therapy

May is Mental Health Awareness Month! I talk about therapy A LOT and how I'm in love with it and an advocate for it. Since doing the 15 questions podcast, I shared I will go into depth as to why I personally go to therapy. Take a listen :) 

Cafe HonesTea: 15 Questions

Welp! From questions about who Big P is, to who I'm voting for, weird sex escapades and more! Take a listen to this weeks episode : 15 Questions on Cafe HonesTea! 

Cafe HonesTea: You Are SOO Worth It

Let’s admit it, we’re influenced by the most random things. This things have the power to mess with our minds don’t they? Well, let’s talk about it real quick.

Poem: Night Dreamer

I often wonder what it would be like,
  if I didn't have the pleasure of having you in my life.
A thought that has crossed my mind
 way to many times.

Seems to play like a fiddle
  that same A string without hesitation
much like the first time you said
  I love you.

Words that I've heard before.
  However, they were never expressed in this way.
Words that I've said before
  Only because it sounded like something I needed to say.

This time, I felt what you said.
  I understood what you meant.
My heart skipped a beat at the climax
  Of emotion.

As we lay, I look at you.
  I admire this person that I'm laying on.
As we lay I watch intently as the stumble on your face
  brushes against my left hand that's cradling your cheek.

I know you can feel me.
  The way I look at you.
It's so very piercing... my eyes that is.
  Eyes that look into you and find your heartbeat.

While you wiggle a little I place that left hand on your chest.
  Your heartbeat is steady, I envy that.
You're so comfortable, at ease, so trusting laying next to me.
  I kiss your neck and your heart beats faster.
You kiss my forehead "hey baby" you whisper.

I've never watched someone sleep before.
  Not the way that I look at you.
With each move, I wonder if you're okay.
  What are you dreaming about?
Can I protect you in any way?

Conversations have no end
  Unlike the night that seems to give in.
Talking until we fall asleep and wake up in heat.
  It's new and something that many don't know how to handle.
I'm in that same boat but I'm paddling towards you.

Night dreamer, is all I can think of.
  As I watch you sleep.
I have to admit I do feel like a creep.
  Staring at your chest to make sure you're breathing.
Touching your skin to watch the goosebumps rise.
 Kissing you lightly until you open your eyes.
"Morning baby" you stretch and pull me close.

Then we fall asleep... and it starts all over again.

<3 Ebony

Cafe HonesTea: Truth About Your Intentions

Cafe HonesTea: Dating Sensitivity

Yes, I was talked into getting back out there. What I noticed was the level of sensitivity has risen. Why is "NO" not enough? When did we become so entitled to someone else? Take a listen to the latest episode of Cafe HonesTea. 

Distant Revelation

Distant revelation... 

 as I read over my last few confessions.
A poetic justice that wasn't done justice
 maybe because it wasn't thought through.
Or  maybe there wasn't enough thought at all...
 just thoughts and feelings that don't seem to add up.

A distant revelation is what I like to call it.
 A moment in time where time is not mine and
in fact, it's a battle of my mind because it makes me type things that I once felt.
Might not be my current state but feelings don't care
 don't take into consideration that a once was is not a present.

Much like my ideology of you. 

 It sounded so amazing but I could never figure out why I liked you.
Why when I'm around you I don't feel loved.
The distance was blamed on your inability to love.
 One that I self interpreted to not being good enough.
Doused in the lies of being the only one.
 Did you forget you confess to me like I'm your Catholic priest?

Telling me all the things on your mind.
 Even things you denied when I asked you questions on springs eve.
Quiet evenings where it's just the two of us.
 Eating and reminiscing. Laughing and loving.
Those were the nights that seemed so sweet.
 I still don't understand why you used them to lie to me.

 It was amazing laying there, to hear another one of your true confession 
In a moments blink, I realized it was never me that wasn't worthy
 It was you. 

It all makes sense as to why I never nabbed you.
 Why at times I was happiest, it was when I wasn't around you.
You tend to do this yo-yo thing.
 Where you pull me in and push me out again.
I would let you, silly girl I was.

 Until it took a night of staring into you.
That's when I realized I'm better off without.
I got up abruptly leaving you where you sat.
 I didn't need to explain.
No need to talk about it.

 I owe a liar nothing more than my back.
Nothing more than me walking away.
 Into the night that would kick start the rest of my life.
You were a nice distraction, with all the drama that you bring.
 With your condescending tone of "caring"

Open eyes and a released heart.
 I'm glad I escaped now, I'm glad we're apart.

Distant revelation my heart continues to beat.
 This time it beats for me.

<3 Ebony

Cafe Honestea : Your Time Is Important

"Where did the time go?" 

How many times have we said that? A friend of mine taught me the importance of time management as well as the importance of keeping a tight circle. 

RIP NIP

"I still got a cold library of books that I've either read or I plan on getting to." Nipsey Hussle

Nipsey Hussle. 33-years-young was murdered yesterday RIGHT in front of his store.  Someone asked me "why is his death so important?"that was a real question when I shared this post to my social media page:

View this post on Instagram

My heart is heavy. Not only is he one of the best artists out there but one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking with. Rest in paradise Nip ❤️

A post shared by Ebony Williams (@ebonyonair) on Mar 31, 2019 at 5:38pm PDT

I understand that for some, because he's a black male, with tattoos, a rapper etc and fits your "I don't give a shit about these people" stereotype. I understand that for some, just looking at him you deep down are glad "another thug" is gone. I understand that because he's not an "All-American" looking female victim, you won't blink twice at a senseless death. I get it, that IF he looked the total opposite that America's heart would be in pain, but instead we get the "why does HE matter?" question.

"Thought is powerful in all phases. Even in my career, even in my life, 

things end up exactly how I visualized them." - Nipsey Hussle

He IS the definition of someone doing their best to not only live their best life, but be a business man, a smart man who understood an asset from a liability.

He sold 1000 mix-tapes for $100 each, profits that went to starting his independent record label. He was set to meet with LAPD to figure out a way to help end gang-violence. He was creating a housing systems for the less fortunate. He also has an amazing clothing brand MARATHON, which is where he was shot dead in front of.

He's an investor, a father, a lover, a son, a friend. He understood that this life was short and you needed to maximize your time here on this planet. He was one of the best artists out there. His lyrics spoke truth. His interviews spoke life. His smile made you smile. His energy was infectious.

The death of Nip, didn't  hurt just those close to him. I had the pleasure of meeting him, being invited to his latest album release party and hearing him speak. One of the many reasons why the death of Nip hit us so hard is because he IS culture. He went beyond hip-hop, music, sports and lifestyle. In my eyes, he was one of the many faces of a Cinderella story.  The way he invested in himself to be smart, not just in the streets but educationally is admirable.

Nip was the person who kept it real regardless of how you might have felt. His death hit us hard because he was always himself. He was someone that many looked up too. He was putting back into the hood where he came from. He was expanding out to reach and teach those around him and those who looked up to him.

"You'e got to have faith in what you're doing and not take no for an answer" Nipsey Hussle

For me, it hit hard because we're around the same age. I understood what he was doing and the moves he was making. He was a man to respect and one who fed into those who wanted to listen and learn. He's always been one of my favorite artists and will remain as such. Not to mention the encounters we had and motivation he gave me to keep going will always stick with me.

Many speculate that his death was no coincidence. Seeing how he was working on a documentary about Dr.Sebi , a man who proclaimed to find the cure for HIV/AIDS. Others are tying that too the death of Lisa Left-Eye Lopez from TLC, who died in a car crash after speaking out about Dr.Sebi's discoveries.  Let's not be sidetracked and fall into the trap of distraction. This case, is NOT the time for a conspiracy theory.

"I just believe in ownership.. I believe in investing in yourself.." Nipsey Hussle. 

Believe what you want, this man was murdered. A young black man was murdered and taken away from his beautiful children. Taken away from his lady. Taken away from his family. Taken away from the culture that so desperately needs a positive influence. Taken away because of a "government conspiracy" or because of "gang-related issues" matters, BUT let's not overshadow that whatever the reason, WHOEVER the person responsible NEEDS to go down for it. This is not the time for mum-lips. We have to do better.

To be mourned by the Crips, Bloods, Cops, Political Figures and across the world means you're one bad mother f***er.

One thing that will always remain that NO ONE can erase is his legacy. Nipsey Hussle is an icon.

Cafe HonesTea : Sex and Bourbon

In this episode Big P challenged me to be even more open. Man, this was hard to do. I cried, took my inhaler and was sweating, but it's here.

Cafe HonesTea : Mental Prisons

We all have them... Those mental prisons that keep us captive. 

How many of us are allowing our mental prisons to block our blessings?

I Hope You Read This.

I hope that you read this....
..... while I sit scared...
A friend asked me a question.
.... something that's hard for my heart to bear...
She said "do you feel good enough? for someone else?...
...I threw her off with my answer.
She was expecting something inspirational, something empowering but instead
I was honest.
No...I don't feel good enough...'As I look across the table
At someone I want so strongly, but know that
God's protecting him from me...
It's not that he's not equipped
A good father he is...
It's more like my mental state of mind
is no good for a man like him...
...someone so fickle... indecisive... depressive... and unstable...
Why would a strong light ever be drawn to such brokenness?
..So I sadly settle for the friend role...
I know my position...
I can't fathom to take on a bigger role..
Bringing someone into my messed up world...
I know it's God intervening..
because we've had chances to explore our meaning...
..Although I desire affection...
something that's always been lacking in my life...
...I know it's what I need and desire..
if not received I keep looking higher...
..which leaves me confused...
because affection is something I don't receive from the few...
including you..
but yet... my heart still pulls towards the unknown.
Oh, the many battles I face..
...The silent prison in my mind...
the lonely hallways to my heart...
...overshadowed with the darkness of emotions...
A fear as I pass every door conquered..
...it's a dark place.. my mind and heart that is...
But I see the light and I'm desperately trying to grab it...
all while, I know there' s more to this..
I will never stop seeking it...
...No, I don't feel good enough...
And honestly...I don't believe I ever will..
...My desire to protect others is strong....
Even if it's from my own heart.

<3 Ebony









....Especially when it's protecting them from me...

OH SNAP! IT'S-A PODCAST. 

Well, as I'm about to start my new journey with CBS, a lot has happened. Even clearing up some discussion on me getting BACK into radio... Yeah, there's a deal on the table (a few of them) in the meantime, let's keep it here. 

Moonlight Thoughts

Wrote this at 2am.....

Ever find yourself with a restless mind on a Late night?

Find yourself looking at pictures of people seeming to be happy. And videos of others showcasing a happy moment. Placing yourself at that moment with them.

The group of best friends going on a trip. The couple welcoming a baby. The bachelor who recently adopted a corgi. That college grad who nailed their dream job. The woman hysterically crying as she says “yes” to being someones forever.

So many things go through our minds... why not me?

The desire to want to know what it’s like to cheers to a table full of genuine friends. The wanting of the chance to have your soulmate. That heart beating endless love when looking into your own human creation; holding them for the first time. Truly feeling loved and wanted.

For some of us, our realities are the opposite.

Traveling the world and never feeling at home. Or like you have a home. Not belonging. Truly empty, so you keep moving. And moving. And moving. Hoping that God will forgive you for lying to your parents when you were 6 years old. Because obviously, Gods punishing you because of what you said over 20 years ago.....

That feeling that it’ll never be your time. That those things will never happen for you. That friends are a luxury that you can’t afford. That love is dispersed to the fortunate while the peasants wallow in the silence. That sadness that creeps in when you pass baby clothes, the ring section, or even the high school awkward couple at the mall. Seriously? They can find someone and I can’t?.... pssshh okay... 

Or being that person people want around when celebrations occur but don't care any of the other days of the year. Being that person who checks on, prays for, sends encouragement to many to have no one return the favor. Instead, you spend your sleepless nights texting the suicide hotline.

The feeling of never being good enough or desired.

All these thoughts take over the mind which seeps into our hearts. These captivating, paralyzing thoughts that show no mercy. Make it impossible to believe that we’ll get our chance one day.

Or maybe, it’s just a thought and we're too deep into our depression to see the love around us...
Interesting what the mind conjures up when it's restless.... is this a thought? I would love to categorize it as such, but it's many of our reality, including me. 
<3 Ebony

Own Your Sh*t

The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I decide to write a new blog is: sorry dad. 

Thinking of the soon to be Deacon reading the words of his foul mouth little angel makes me giggle. Some people are surprised by the openness I have with my father. "you seriously talk to him about sex?" or "did you just say that?" my response is  "um... yeah, and why not?"  here's how I see it, it's better for him to hear it from me first. Since he's an avid reader of my website and all things that I write, he'll find it out  anyway.

So let's get to it, this blog isn't that bad pops.... I promise.  

I was thinking about how easy some things could be if we did one simple task. Well I guess it's not so simple, because if it were truly easy, then more people would do it... right? When I decided to own my show sh*t and realize that for some of my problems, it were my fault and not others, things got a little more clear. Looking right into my reflection of my dirty mirror, I  realized, it's time we start to own our sh*t.

Get out of your own way.

I wonder how many blessings I stopped from coming my way  (in the interim) because of my stubbornness, self-centered behavior, and childlike manner pointing the finger at everyone else except me. So, one day, I experimented, I wrote down some situations and truly got into how I got there and tried to track it down to why it happened. 2 out of the 5 situations were my doing. I sat on this for a moment, because 2 of the 5 are the BIGGEST issues I have. I sat, took a deep breath and learned to become okay with my circumstances and thus work harder to find a way out. In my mind: if I were the problem, I can find the solution. 

By owning it, I gained my power over the situation.

I line it with the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness of others is not for them, it's for you. The release and relief you feel once you've allowed yourself to forgive, grow in the emotion and move on with life, that weight you've been feeling for awhile, is now lifted off your shoulders. You feel free, you're in charge, you wonder why you let it bother you in the first place. The same goes for owning your own sh*t. 

You have to forgive yourself

Love yourself and know that you are worthy of receiving all the blessings you desire and then some. They say God is a good good father, and he is. Like a parent, he loves you unconditionally even with all your flaws (which are his perfections) and mistakes you make. Own up to it or repent it, whatever you want to call it. Wear the grown-up undies and own it, leave it, love it, and move on. Forgiving yourself and owning when you're wrong does set you free. 

It's a scary thought, looking in the mirror and saying "I caused this" especially if the aftershocks are so dreadful all you can do is curl up in a ball. After all, who in their right mind would willing put themselves through pain? So here it is little duckies, own your sh*t and learn to love yourself. set yourself free from you. Also, be easy on yourself, you're only human and we all make mistakes. 

<3 Ebony 

Like Samson

so happy in the place that I lusted after..
where lust was after..
my own well being
didn't want to be like Samson,
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.

giving in, I feel as if I failed
coming across something that my body has once prevailed
the possibility of this cancer infecting my life again
is what keeps me up at night
the reason why the rivers run from my eyes...
as I stare out the window
my task was so simple
all I wanted to do was write....

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
sidetracked by the tones of skin
the ones that bind me to open my pathways
one entry should have been blocked
but was allowed in
sinking their teeth into gentle skin
ripped wardrobe to emit sin
ecstasy without the pills
intimacy is what drove me to the hills

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
freedom from the thoughts
break these chains of the human heart
pleading for an outlet

I breathed deep, once he told me
broken hearted from what we discussed
from past and present we talked about what once was
and yet... the lie that was revealed
could kill the very reason why I'm alive.

I didn't want to be like Samson....is what I told my father God
repentance I'm at your mercy
I've cried out to you for help, but still I was left alone
to give in to my own ways in which all is left to say is..
I didn't want to be like Samson

<3 Ebony

Cheers to Accepting The New

As we grow in this journey of life, we're thrown curve balls left and right. Speed bumps go from molehills to mountains. Our traumas are far worse than the ones we had as children. Not to mention, the fears that we conquer and the ones that still haunt us at night.

When it comes to accepting the new, we're put in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, I know, it makes you want to move to a different city, probably planet if your bank account can afford it. I love meeting new people, and someone that I met recently showed me that I'm facing a fear I had no idea was even a fear.

So here it is, this weird thing that I didn't know was a fear. Despite my ability to connect with you on this blog and through my social media platforms, I have a hard time letting people in. This comes as a surprise, because it's me here... Ebony Williams.. the woman who went on the radio and talked about her almost committing suicide, the one who opened up about her trials with domestic violence, not to mention the cervical cancer story and truth about the weight blog. The things I talk about and share with you are endless; and yet I squirmed at a simple task.

I was asked to 1. not move and 2. not speak. All I had to do was look into my friends eyes and let him look into mine.

I found out  it's hard to look at someone in their eyes and let them look into yours without saying a word. Talking is a distraction, so is movement, those things throw people off from looking IN you and instead they look AT you.

So as I was there, allowing him to look INTO me, I realized I have a deep fear with true human connection. Even with friends and romance, allowing someone to know me, the beyond Ebony, the Ebony after dark is an idea so far fetched; I had no idea I was secluding people from who I am.  As we were sitting there, fairly close, his hands holding mine, I felt vulnerable.

So many thoughts were rushing to my mind like: what's he thinking? does he see how I really feel? does he know I'm lying when I said I'm great and I'm actually pretty shitty? Can he see that I'm hurting? Oh God, does he know that I'm 100% smitten by him? am I smitten by him? Or is it just that I'm gazing into his beautiful eyes that it's making me believe that I like him?

Yeah....I went there...

So many thoughts.... and I had to sit in them and let him stare into me. I couldn't handle it after much longer and had to look away. I was exhausted after that. The energy it takes to truly let someone in is amazing and for the first time I was experiencing this with a beautiful human.

After that little exercise, it made me think. I was reevaluating myself and my inability to truly be vulnerable. This is why I keep friends at a distance and also why I don't entertain much of a romantic life. It was cool to understand another layer of myself. I'm truly thankful for him for exposing me to myself. sounds crazy, but what are friends for if they don' help you be a better you?

Cheers to accepting the new.
<3 Ebony

Mindless Thunder

It's not that... 

Well I....

You see, sometimes.... 

It's been hard to figure out a way to start this blog. Recently, I've been heavy into posting videos of encouragement instead of writing them. Videos that I share on all my social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram and my Facebook fan page. My latest video got over 9k views on Twitter.  So I guess I'm saying something right, but still, to you, it's no excuse to go unheard of. 

Anywho, my mind has been in this weird space as of late.  I've been very busy and focused (nothing new) but this is on a new level. I've been asked many times, what's going on?  and you're so secretive! My answer to that is, not everything is meant to be posted. We go through a lot on a daily basis, sometimes we need to keep it to ourselves. If I can be honest, the reason why I don't hang out with certain people during this time is because I don't let in certain energies when I'm creating. 

For me, I can't be around certain people when I have a script to write or project I'm hired on. Some energies drain you and don't uplift you. Let's face it, most of those around us don't want to see us win.  I'll let you know this, there are some big things happening when it comes to writing and selling of my scripts and getting back into broadcasting. I have to keep my mind clear. I have to keep a positive atmosphere and those that I know have my back close.

I'm in a state of praise through all the pain. In a way I'm in disbelief from all that I've gone through to what God's giving me and blessing me with. With each new stepping stone I'm accomplishing, it could've only been done by the grace of God. 

For all those that I've helped get here like, letting you stay with me for months rent free, to have you turn your back on me. To helping you health wise and lose weight, in return for  you to disappear,  or for those I've given (not lending) money to make sure you can eat and pay bills, to have you turn your head away from me etc. I appreciate everything you've done in showing me who you are. 

I realized that it's not a reflection of me. God showed me you, so that I can see that you weren't meant to come with me on this journey. I'm the type to bring everyone with me, and I know I can't do that. I stick my neck out for people. I give great recommendations, so great that most of my acting friends have been casted in major projects. I'll continue to help those who deserve it, and God puts on my heart.

Now that I got that little jab out the way. Thanks for understanding my journey and being with me while I go through it.  

<3 Eb

New Year! LET'S GET IT!

Motivation let’s go! pic.twitter.com/Y7DINzjIQH

— Ebony Williams (@ebonyonair) January 8, 2019