It's Hard to Take Your Own Advice

Funny thing about writing these blogs, I write them so much that I plan them out on when they'll post. I try to aim for every Monday, but then life throws me a curveball and I have to write something else. I have to write in the present I have to share with you the thoughts that are on my mind at the time that they happen. Which brings me to this:

How come it's easy for us to give advice but

 so hard for us to take our own advice?

As of late, I feel like I'm Vivian Green. Some might know that name so let me explain a little more, I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. Get the reference yet? If yes, you know that song is simply amazing. If you don't know that song, Google it, you won't be disappointed. I had a friend tell me that when she gets down, she reads my blogs and she gets encouragement. I was instantly humbled because she is someone with great faith.

She's someone that I turn to for prayer. She's someone that's beside me on this journey and I love her dearly. She's more than a friend, she's family. To hear her say that she looks to my words, someone who has no idea what she's doing most of the time. Someone whose faith is up and down. Someone who at one point wants to play in traffic and in the same breath praise God. She finds a sense of peace in my honesty. Then she hit me with this: 

You should re-read your blogs and pray to renew your mind 

After she said that, I went into a deep prayer mode. Secluded in a room for an entire weekend. I didn't see anyone, I didn't answer anyone. I was alone in a room that was extremely hot, and I was determined to hear from God. Shortly after, someone I admire needed prayer, he didn't mention it, but I sent one to him. His response "wow what made you send me this timely prayer?" All I could say was ... basically... Jesus. Then another friend of mine the next day said she needed prayer, and I sent one ASAP. 

How could I send these amazing uplifting prayers to my fellow peers,

and not receive those same powerful words for myself? 

Why am I blocking my own blessings? Why am I making it harder for myself? I know the darkness. I'm no stranger to this place. I also know that there's a magnificent way out. But yet, I can't seem to get over this hump. I have yet to get over this hump. I refuse to say I can't. Because there is nothing that I can't do when it comes to bettering myself. There's nothing that I can't do when Jesus is right by my side. 

But I understand that it's hard to believe that when 

you're the one in the middle of the turmoil. 

The burden of guilt and shame is a beast. The devil in itself in full form stomping around in my mind. That's where he lives, in our minds because that's the only place he can get to us. He can't physically harm us, but he can make us think that he can. That's why it's important to take control of your mind and your tongue. It's important to watch how you think and what you speak. YOU have the power to speak things into existence. 

Control your mind. 

When you think bad thoughts, you speak bad thoughts. When you speak bad thoughts then your heart starts to feel those bad thoughts. Once it's in your heart, its hard to get it out. It's not impossible to get it out or change your heart, but there will be work ahead to heal your heart. If you want to go through more battles then let the ill wills fester in your mind. If you want to avoid that altogether, then my friend please work on your mind. 

It's not easy but listen to your own advice. 

We all have people that come to us for advice. We're that shoulder, that voice of reason. So next time you give advice, whether it be in a text message, social media post or phone call. Remember what you say. Then I want you to look in the mirror and repeat those same words and personalize it. Look at yourself and acknowledge that you're: 

here for a reason

worthy 

blessed

loved

highly favored

protected

wanted

loved

important

smart

driven

loved

cared for

douted on 

unique

loved

not forgotten 

not alone

but instead

you are loved 

<3 Ebony 

Struggles With Faith

I get so many messages, whether they're from social media or directly to my cell phone pertaining too how "strong" my faith is. I'm so sorry, but, I have to insert the biggest eye roll here. My reason for that is simple, I might seem strong but I've very human and weak.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  

Do not be frightened, and not be dismayed, 

for the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go. " 

Joshua 1:9

I have to recite this verse along with plenty of others because the struggle bus with faith is real. Truth is, following Jesus is great! What people don't tell you, is that when you make that decision, you have to be ready for the trials that come with it. It's not a walk in the park, actually, walking with Christ was never meant to be. Hell, it wasn't easy for Jesus to be Jesus and walk the walk that he talks, so why would we think it'll be easy for us? 

"Seek the Lord and his strength;

seek his presence continually" 

1 Chronicles 16:11

Yes, reading my blogs, watching my videos, logging onto my social media accounts is great. It shows purpose, some form of obedience, growth and happiness. This is what triggers my messages, "how can I be like you?" or "how can I experience this type of joy?"  or "I admire what God is doing in your life, I want him to do the same in mine." 

Those messages make me happy, however, let's get real. 

What you don't see, is the struggle between those blessings. You don't see my break downs. You don't experience my massive weight loss or hair loss because of stress. You don't see the nights slept in cars, couches or days without food. You don't know that I have more spiritual attacks from the devil more now than ever. You might not understand the level of restless nights, one week I slept once for three hours, the rest of the days I was wide awake. Or the nights when I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats. 

Trusting God is not easy. 

I have to learn to let go and let God. It's an old cliche, but it's true. Trusting God requires you to be put in the most awkward, uncomfortable situations ever. It causes Him to move in a way that hurts at first but, it's for the greater good. If you want Him to move in your life, you have to expect things to be moved around or moved out. You can't have your cake and eat it too with Him, you go all in or not at all. He wants all of you, not part of you.  Have you ever tried to make a cake with just the powder and nothing else? That's what having a half-assed faith life is like.

"What's one thing that happened to you that we don't know?"  Question via Instagram

Not to long ago, a few weeks actually, I experienced the most painful paralyzation ever. One morning I woke up and couldn't feel my legs. I was confined to the bed and had no one to call. I was going to call 9-1-1 (non-emergency line) but I managed to drop my phone. It rolled under a bed that easily sat up a good 4 feet high. I was stuck, in pain, unable to move no matter how hard I tried. I stayed like that for almost two days. 

Before that, I was getting the inclination to rest and relax. Something that I heavily ignored. When it became a little bearable to walk, the pain lasted for months. I still have the pain, it's something I'm currently getting fixed. Instead of posting about it, complaining, crying to social media I decided to pray. I was angry and frustrated with God that he allowed this to happen but, in the end I understand.  

How is the road treating me now? 

I'm now in a position to where I'm comfortable enough to tell God, that if what I want isn't what He wants then to please align my heart with His will. After all, I'm living my life with my talents for Him. I'm moving in way that gives Him all the praise. So, if He wants me to move a certain way, I don't hesitate. When. I decided to give my life to Him, was the day that my life was no longer mine, I was choosing to live in honor of Him. 

The reason I wrote this post, and why I'm so open is because I want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle. I want you to know that every person who decides to follow God or whatever being you call Him, doesn't have it easy. We all have issues and are going through something. Even the shiniest of celebrities that some of you love have it tough. 

I know it's hard, don't give up. If you feel like you're about too, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm one prayer request away. Praying for and with others is something that I'm passionate about, it's one assignment I will never neglect. 

<3 Ebony 

Damn Dirt

Damn dirt...
I dust off my knees and pick myself up again.
This time the fall was higher than it's ever been.
To me, at least, that's what I think.
To those around me, they let me sink.

Gasping for air as I hit the ground.
Arms flailing around
Like that thing at a car dealership.
I bet I look that silly to God.
Like Peter who got out of the boat and walked on water.
Then when he lost sight he started to sink into troubled waters.

Keep your eyes on God.
If that's what I do, then I'm sure to float.
Or, at least I think that's true?

Damn dirt....
Now, I hit the ground from a higher way up.
The last time I thought it was tough.
But the universe had something in store.
Something higher, better, rougher and more.

It challenged my faith and tested my ways.
It left me to cry tears that were dry.
I was out of water in my eyes.
I was exhausted and confined to my bed.
Spiritual paralyzation.

Damn dirt....
It hurts you know.
Always falling on your face.
Pulling yourself up getting back in the race.
To put your faith in a higher being.
One that you cannot see.
Only to get hit hard by the enemy.

I experience so many things.
Like a bipolar spring.
Rain or snow which one today will it be?
One thing I do know, no matter what the weather brings,
At least I was granted a new day.

So damn the dirt.
Damn, how many times I have to get back up.
The fact that I can get back up is what I need to focus on.
It means to God, that I'm not done.

He gave me a vision.
I have to prove that I can handle it.
So give me all my tests God.
Eventually I will pass them.
I'm ready for all your Glory and road blocks ahead.
I know you've given me enough to pass these tests.

I just ask of one thing God.
Next time, can the dirt not have gravel in it?

<3 Ebony

Why Jump?

I still get questions as to why I decided to make my exit in radio. Side note: broadcasting, whether it be television or radio is NOT off the market for me; it was for the interim for me to move, but there will not be a final goodbye; at least, not for a long time.  For those who don't know, I was a radio and television personality for 11 years, since I was 18 years-old. I loved the path that God took me on when it came to being an on-air talent and having my own shows that successfully grabbed high ratings in whatever market I was in. So why leave it? That cushion? The world of entertainment, which was my world for a majority of my life?

Broadcasting as a talent was literally ALL that I knew. 

It wasn't easy to take that leap of faith. I struggled with it many times when God revealed to me that it was my time to leave and move to Los Angeles. He wanted me to move to a city that I adored. He wanted me to move with no job, no place to live, no money, with no security EXCEPT that God's got me. Sounds nuts, but I did it, I was able to see what I was able to do WITHOUT a crutch.  When I finally moved, I realized that this move was no different from the ones prior. I've done this before so why was LA so scary?

So back on subject, why jump? 

Because now, I can look back at the past year and smile at this amazing beginning that God has granted me....again. What I thought was the end, aka leaving all that I knew in broadcasting, it was only the beginning. I've written two full movie scripts that are in circulation (working on a third),  I finished an original comedy series aimed for TV or a Netflix type broadcast, I landed one of many dream jobs as a full-time freelance writer for an amazing company and,I have a few more loose ends that are tightening up that I can't share just yet (but it's major news).

I make jumps because I refuse to say "what if?"

 I bitched, cried, doubted, got mad, screamed and lost my shit. I want to make sure that you understand, that I still go through those moments of emotions. It wasn't just a one-time thing then poof I'm healed. I wish it were the case. At the end of it all, this beginning is going to lead to so many things.

I know some of you are wanting me back in broadcasting and that is something I will never escape and don't plan on leaving for good. In God's perfect timing I will be back in it. Hmm...maybe THAT might be my major news that I can't share with you? Never know ;)

<3 Ebony 

Say YES to Yourself!

After I had a little mental breakdown a few weeks ago, I realized the importance of many things. Today I want to share the importance of saying YES to yourself.

When you say YES to yourself, you're saying no to your fears. 

There's plenty of things to be scared of in this world. That's crazy to say after psychologists have discovered that we were only born with two fears, 1. falling and 2. loud noises. So where did the other fears come from?  We created those fears, so since we created them we can easily defeat them. 

Here's something that you might find silly and hard to believe. Despite always being in the spotlight, having to host events and be in front of crowds as big as 20k, I had a fear of going to major events alone. Seems strange given my background and the fact that I go everywhere alone. It's different when it's in a social setting. I had a very important event to go too the other day, a lot of heavy hitters were there and I was determined to meet as many as I could. After all, we knew OF one another just have never met. 

The moment I decided to attend this event, the days leading up to it, I was overcome with such anxiety. It was bad, I got the shakes, felt like my gut was going to drop from my body, my mind was telling me how horrible it would be and how I would mess it up. So many things were going on. Then I started reading the word of God. I started to share these thoughts with someone I trusted. It was then revealed to me, that I AM bigger than my fears. 

I sucked it up and went to the event. I was alone, had a great time and didn't get a chance to meet anyone that I set my sights on meeting. I went home very disappointed and even expressed that to Papa (God). The Holy Spirit came over me as loud as can be, which is strange because he usually whispers, anywho he said this: 

You misunderstood the purpose of the event. 

It wasn't so that you could meet a specific person, 

the purpose was so you can defeat your fear. 

I sat for a moment and honed in on that voice. I took my time to realize what I just did and how that was big for me. I did something that I usually avoid and once I was there, my fear no longer existed. Starting today, I want you to try and tackle your fear. It's time for you to reach your full potential and be unstoppable. Don't wait for the New Year for a New You, do that now, start today. 

Face that fear and make it submit to you, don't submit to it. 

<3 Ebony 

The Beauty of Panic : GOD WHERE ARE YOU?!

I laughed really hard when I read the title of this blog out loud. The Beauty of Panic! What maniac finds beauty in being panicked? What person in their right mind actually likes the heart-pounding, forehead sweating, gut-wrenching, almost get a heart attack freak out mode like one caused by panic?

Well, I guess you can say, that I do. 

Now hear me out, I hate panic when I'm in the middle of it. When I'm in a season where I have no idea what's going on and where to turn. When I have to wait on God, but then I can't hear God. I can't feel God. I start to doubt that he's even there. I start to think,

Does God really love me? Does He hear my cries? 

I mean, because if He hears my cries, then He's bound to come and rescue me.... right? He's bound to come down from the heavens himself, pull me out of the darkness and put me in a field of flowers and prayers answered.... right?

WRONG! 

I like to think that he gets a kick out of my temper tantrums. The moment when I have the nerve to pray big and bold but freak out when turmoil comes. I start to cry and scream GOD WHYY?! and He laughs and is probably like, Eb, my child. I'm preparing you for what you asked for. I can hear him saying that in the midst of me screaming bloody murder and throwing myself on the floor.

I can laugh at this now but over the weekend and even yesterday, 

I went as far as questioning if God is really real. 

That my friend is how DEEP I am. That is how DEEP this turmoil is. That is how DEEP my pain goes. That is how DEEP in shit I am, and how lonely I feel during this time. You get to a place where you're gasping for air and you know how to swim (pray) but you keep flopping around (not praying). You keep screaming for help and asking God where are you?! When in fact, he gave you a lifeline (the Bible). When in fact he extended that lifeline to me (gave me two friends, who prayed over me). When in fact he kept extending that lifeline (my two friends who prayed for me sent me scripts that pertained to my current struggle) But instead of those lifelines, I kept my eyes shut and kept crying for help.

How many of us cry for help but are to blind to get past our selfish thoughts to notice that help is literally right in front of us? That God will NEVER give us something that we can't handle. He gives us our battles because we are created to defeat them. He gave us our struggles because only WE can move past them. My two friends who were there for me, they can't fight this. They can help equip me though. They can allow God to use them to get to me in a way that God knows they can so I can understand.

That's exactly what he's doing. 

So in the middle of my panic, and I'm still a little panicky, he is RIGHT there with me. And Even though it may seem like he's not there with you. It might seem like he doesn't care. It might seem like he has left you, my friend he has not for it is written:

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified 

because of them, the Lord your God goes with you, 

he will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you

- Deuteronomy 31: 6

<3 Ebony