Own Your Sh*t

The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I decide to write a new blog is: sorry dad. 

Thinking of the soon to be Deacon reading the words of his foul mouth little angel makes me giggle. Some people are surprised by the openness I have with my father. "you seriously talk to him about sex?" or "did you just say that?" my response is  "um... yeah, and why not?"  here's how I see it, it's better for him to hear it from me first. Since he's an avid reader of my website and all things that I write, he'll find it out  anyway.

So let's get to it, this blog isn't that bad pops.... I promise.  

I was thinking about how easy some things could be if we did one simple task. Well I guess it's not so simple, because if it were truly easy, then more people would do it... right? When I decided to own my show sh*t and realize that for some of my problems, it were my fault and not others, things got a little more clear. Looking right into my reflection of my dirty mirror, I  realized, it's time we start to own our sh*t.

Get out of your own way.

I wonder how many blessings I stopped from coming my way  (in the interim) because of my stubbornness, self-centered behavior, and childlike manner pointing the finger at everyone else except me. So, one day, I experimented, I wrote down some situations and truly got into how I got there and tried to track it down to why it happened. 2 out of the 5 situations were my doing. I sat on this for a moment, because 2 of the 5 are the BIGGEST issues I have. I sat, took a deep breath and learned to become okay with my circumstances and thus work harder to find a way out. In my mind: if I were the problem, I can find the solution. 

By owning it, I gained my power over the situation.

I line it with the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness of others is not for them, it's for you. The release and relief you feel once you've allowed yourself to forgive, grow in the emotion and move on with life, that weight you've been feeling for awhile, is now lifted off your shoulders. You feel free, you're in charge, you wonder why you let it bother you in the first place. The same goes for owning your own sh*t. 

You have to forgive yourself

Love yourself and know that you are worthy of receiving all the blessings you desire and then some. They say God is a good good father, and he is. Like a parent, he loves you unconditionally even with all your flaws (which are his perfections) and mistakes you make. Own up to it or repent it, whatever you want to call it. Wear the grown-up undies and own it, leave it, love it, and move on. Forgiving yourself and owning when you're wrong does set you free. 

It's a scary thought, looking in the mirror and saying "I caused this" especially if the aftershocks are so dreadful all you can do is curl up in a ball. After all, who in their right mind would willing put themselves through pain? So here it is little duckies, own your sh*t and learn to love yourself. set yourself free from you. Also, be easy on yourself, you're only human and we all make mistakes. 

<3 Ebony 

Like Samson

so happy in the place that I lusted after..
where lust was after..
my own well being
didn't want to be like Samson,
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.

giving in, I feel as if I failed
coming across something that my body has once prevailed
the possibility of this cancer infecting my life again
is what keeps me up at night
the reason why the rivers run from my eyes...
as I stare out the window
my task was so simple
all I wanted to do was write....

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
sidetracked by the tones of skin
the ones that bind me to open my pathways
one entry should have been blocked
but was allowed in
sinking their teeth into gentle skin
ripped wardrobe to emit sin
ecstasy without the pills
intimacy is what drove me to the hills

I didn't want to be like Samson
is what I told my father God when I asked him to deliver me.
freedom from the thoughts
break these chains of the human heart
pleading for an outlet

I breathed deep, once he told me
broken hearted from what we discussed
from past and present we talked about what once was
and yet... the lie that was revealed
could kill the very reason why I'm alive.

I didn't want to be like Samson....is what I told my father God
repentance I'm at your mercy
I've cried out to you for help, but still I was left alone
to give in to my own ways in which all is left to say is..
I didn't want to be like Samson

<3 Ebony

Cheers to Accepting The New

As we grow in this journey of life, we're thrown curve balls left and right. Speed bumps go from molehills to mountains. Our traumas are far worse than the ones we had as children. Not to mention, the fears that we conquer and the ones that still haunt us at night.

When it comes to accepting the new, we're put in uncomfortable situations. It sucks, I know, it makes you want to move to a different city, probably planet if your bank account can afford it. I love meeting new people, and someone that I met recently showed me that I'm facing a fear I had no idea was even a fear.

So here it is, this weird thing that I didn't know was a fear. Despite my ability to connect with you on this blog and through my social media platforms, I have a hard time letting people in. This comes as a surprise, because it's me here... Ebony Williams.. the woman who went on the radio and talked about her almost committing suicide, the one who opened up about her trials with domestic violence, not to mention the cervical cancer story and truth about the weight blog. The things I talk about and share with you are endless; and yet I squirmed at a simple task.

I was asked to 1. not move and 2. not speak. All I had to do was look into my friends eyes and let him look into mine.

I found out  it's hard to look at someone in their eyes and let them look into yours without saying a word. Talking is a distraction, so is movement, those things throw people off from looking IN you and instead they look AT you.

So as I was there, allowing him to look INTO me, I realized I have a deep fear with true human connection. Even with friends and romance, allowing someone to know me, the beyond Ebony, the Ebony after dark is an idea so far fetched; I had no idea I was secluding people from who I am.  As we were sitting there, fairly close, his hands holding mine, I felt vulnerable.

So many thoughts were rushing to my mind like: what's he thinking? does he see how I really feel? does he know I'm lying when I said I'm great and I'm actually pretty shitty? Can he see that I'm hurting? Oh God, does he know that I'm 100% smitten by him? am I smitten by him? Or is it just that I'm gazing into his beautiful eyes that it's making me believe that I like him?

Yeah....I went there...

So many thoughts.... and I had to sit in them and let him stare into me. I couldn't handle it after much longer and had to look away. I was exhausted after that. The energy it takes to truly let someone in is amazing and for the first time I was experiencing this with a beautiful human.

After that little exercise, it made me think. I was reevaluating myself and my inability to truly be vulnerable. This is why I keep friends at a distance and also why I don't entertain much of a romantic life. It was cool to understand another layer of myself. I'm truly thankful for him for exposing me to myself. sounds crazy, but what are friends for if they don' help you be a better you?

Cheers to accepting the new.
<3 Ebony

Mindless Thunder

It's not that... 

Well I....

You see, sometimes.... 

It's been hard to figure out a way to start this blog. Recently, I've been heavy into posting videos of encouragement instead of writing them. Videos that I share on all my social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram and my Facebook fan page. My latest video got over 9k views on Twitter.  So I guess I'm saying something right, but still, to you, it's no excuse to go unheard of. 

Anywho, my mind has been in this weird space as of late.  I've been very busy and focused (nothing new) but this is on a new level. I've been asked many times, what's going on?  and you're so secretive! My answer to that is, not everything is meant to be posted. We go through a lot on a daily basis, sometimes we need to keep it to ourselves. If I can be honest, the reason why I don't hang out with certain people during this time is because I don't let in certain energies when I'm creating. 

For me, I can't be around certain people when I have a script to write or project I'm hired on. Some energies drain you and don't uplift you. Let's face it, most of those around us don't want to see us win.  I'll let you know this, there are some big things happening when it comes to writing and selling of my scripts and getting back into broadcasting. I have to keep my mind clear. I have to keep a positive atmosphere and those that I know have my back close.

I'm in a state of praise through all the pain. In a way I'm in disbelief from all that I've gone through to what God's giving me and blessing me with. With each new stepping stone I'm accomplishing, it could've only been done by the grace of God. 

For all those that I've helped get here like, letting you stay with me for months rent free, to have you turn your back on me. To helping you health wise and lose weight, in return for  you to disappear,  or for those I've given (not lending) money to make sure you can eat and pay bills, to have you turn your head away from me etc. I appreciate everything you've done in showing me who you are. 

I realized that it's not a reflection of me. God showed me you, so that I can see that you weren't meant to come with me on this journey. I'm the type to bring everyone with me, and I know I can't do that. I stick my neck out for people. I give great recommendations, so great that most of my acting friends have been casted in major projects. I'll continue to help those who deserve it, and God puts on my heart.

Now that I got that little jab out the way. Thanks for understanding my journey and being with me while I go through it.  

<3 Eb

New Year! LET'S GET IT!

Motivation let’s go! pic.twitter.com/Y7DINzjIQH

— Ebony Williams (@ebonyonair) January 8, 2019