You Being Strong Has Nothing To Do With It

One of my male suitors, made the comment on how strong I am. Then followed it up with "is that part of why you're single?" I had to reply and let him know that I'm single by choice, I don't have to be. I never have to be, I have plenty of amazing male suitors who want me; I'm in no rush and I'm in love with the process <- (click the link for more on that.) I went in on him... granted mother nature was knocking so my PMS was WAY up there. Oops, my bad.

Let me just say that saying a woman is strong and that's why 

she is single is a societal back handed compliment. 

I think plenty of women use that as a crutch or an excuse as to why they're single which is simply not the case. How about instead of using your supposed strength as a woman and saying that, that's why you're single; and instead wake up and realize that you're single probably because you're messing around with weak men, or men that are simply not interested in you, or you simply haven't found that king yet. There's a difference between a strong woman who talks and engages with a hot strong man, versus one who wants that super hot man who can offer her absolutely nothing except mind blowing sex. Most of the time, ladies lets be honest, we go for the mind blowing sex.

Some women dismiss the nice guy because he's unfamiliar territory

For some reason plenty of women and men go for those who have nothing of substance or importance to offer them. Then they have the nerve to get disappointed when their childish asses leaves or isn't what they wanted them to be. Now, I'm speaking to both men and women here. This whole dating world is so screwed up, it's comical in a sense. We're used to being treated like shit, if a good one comes along it's like rocket science. Or some how our malware malfunctions and we have no idea how to act and find a way to mess it all up.

Vanity rules our society. 

Now ladies, I'm an ear to many of you. I know plenty of women who recite how men don't want a strong woman. May I throw in there, that this usually happens after they get rejected. Here's what I noticed from the ladies who I have conversations with and who use that strong woman singleness bullshit, they have so many issues within themselves that they're failing to see what it's attracting. And guess what ladies and gents, men can smell an insecure woman a mile away. I personally know men who prey on those women. It's weird to watch the trap be set, the lies, the words and actions of my male acquaintances. It's stranger to watch how some women are so quick to fall for it.

You may say that you want a relationship, but in reality you  might not be ready for it.

We're so fixated on the idea that we have to be in a relationship, that most of us are willing to settle. Most of use don't care and just want someone. Most of us are desperate. Here's the problem with that, being anxious and desperate about finding your partner. When you get into that mindset, you settle for temporary happiness. In the end, those rushed relationships never work out, it does for the moment but when life comes in and you have to talk about futures; they never line up. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want temporary love.

Men are designed to be with women so yes they can handle you! 

They just might not want YOU. 

Call it mean or rude but it's the truth. If a man doesn't want you, then that's it he simply doesn't want you and it has nothing to do with how strong you are, you're simply not his cup of tea. You don't fit his mold, his vision for where he wants his life to go etc. Why is it okay for us women to dismiss men, talk about it with our girls and keep it pushing; but if a man does it, then he's lame, weak, stupid etc.? Take that as a blessing if a man moves on from you. In my opinion, the most horrible thing we can do, is be with someone we know is not right for us. All the wasted time, energy, emotions, 21 questions who seriously wants to go through with that?

No more excuses. No more crutches. Instead, lets look within, love ourselves and enjoy this journey! You don't want a man or woman to be with you when you  know it's not right. You don't want your time wasted either. So STOP saying you're single because you're strong, and start saying you're single because you're not settling for someone who's less than perfect and awesome as yourself.

After all, you do deserve the best my love.

<3 Ebony

Don't Take it Personal

I AM A BADDASS! 

Yeah, that's right, I said it and I don't care if it sounds cocky! Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted in letting other people dictate how I should perceive myself. I speak on this a lot with friends, family, co-workers and even in this blog. Why is it that, at times, we allow others thoughts and opinions about us rule our world? You can sit there and LIE and say that "that's never been you" or you can face the truth and admit that you've been apart of that messed up circle. Whether it was in high school, college, at work, at home, with friends, family, strangers. There was a point in your life, one moment, when you allowed someone else to dictate what you think or how you feel about yourself.

It's okay, just drop that shit and learn to LOVE YOURSELF. 

It's okay to believe in yourself. To feel like you're the best at your craft, to believe that all good things that this universe has to offer will happen for you. It's okay to look in the mirror and LOVE the way you look. To say "damn Ebony, you're killin this outfit boo!" It's okay for someone to give you a compliment and instead of being shy about it say "Thank you!" with such confidence, you leave the other person speechless. It's time to STOP thinking down about ourselves and to START thinking positive about ourselves.

If someone has a problem with your confidence don't take it personal. 

We all know those people who turn up their noses at us select few who refuse to let a bad comment mess up our day. Who refuse to let someone who has something rude to say throw us off our glorious path of being amazing in life. We all know that one person who is waiting for us to post our woes on social media just so they can like it. You  know exactly what I'm talking about too! We have that one "friend" who doesn't like a single picture, status, comment etc. However, the moment you post in distress or something sad, or what's angering you; they have the audacity to not just LIKE the post but LOVE IT!  You know what, if someone has an issue with how much you love and believe in YOU, just know, that it's a THEM problem and not a YOU problem.

I'll be damned if I get upset about ME because another person is jealous. 

My life is precious, my life is full of blessings, my life is beautiful with all it's glorious ups and downs that Papa (God) throws at me. What my life is NOT, is a space for others to drag and drop their dirty laundry. It is not a place that's aimed to please you and all your desires. It is not something that can easily be tarnished by your words because the words of Papa holds more water over what you have to say. It is not something that I refuse to fully live or take risks with because it makes you uncomfortable. Here is the best part of my life......... that it belongs to me and I'm going to unapologetically live it the way that I see fit (with the leadership of Papa of course).

<3 Ebony

I am Not Something For You To Masturbate With.

SEX!

Did that make you uncomfortable? I hope not! I love talking about it, mainly because I go in and out on my journey of The Wait. Also people love asking me, why I'm not having sex? Or why it's so easy for me to have sex and then quickly dismiss it and not have it for another year or two. The answer is simple. I'm at this time in my life where I'm tired of sex. I'm tired of being unsatisfied. If you don't know me, then you have no idea that I am a great actress. 9 times out of 10 I, like many of my fellow ladies out there, I have faked the big O, just so it'll be over with. If I can be honest, as I always am, only two guys have been great at this, ONLY TWO. So why do I stop having sex?

Because my body is not something for you to masturbate with. 

And that's all (to me) what sex is without any type of emotional connection. If I'm not crazy about you or hell, if I'm not in love with you then that's just what I am. I'm a human sock that you are using as if you were in the 7th grade; masturbating into another clean white sock only to shove it under the bed or in a laundry basket when you're done. Excuse my frank nature when it comes to this topic, but let's get real. We've all felt this way at some point in time. We all get to a place in our lives where sex is just not enough. Why would I keep having sex when 1. I will not be marrying you, 2. it's lame, 3. you most likely have no clue what you're doing, 4. I have to fake it and 5. it's boring to me.

I wasn't going to write this, but I got into a deep conversation with a male suitor of mine, and he said "Damn, you should write that out. When you said I'm not something for you to masturbate with,that alone paints such a vivid picture." I stuttered on it, and said no at first. As I open my phone to half naked bathroom pics from guys, while some men say "they want me", others claim to "crave me" etc. I can't  help but reply "cool" or something blow offish to them, because I'm not in that mindset and it's simply not worth it. Now this guy is great, he's on his own journey of the wait. So as we continue to spend so much time together, yes that tension is there, but waiting for it; to us is important.

When I'm sinning in sex, my life isn't as great as it could be. 

And to those who follow God, or reading certain things in the bible, or have experience with the shift in your movement when you're freely having sex, you get it. When it comes to me, when I'm having sex, other things in my life aren't going so well.  When I'm able to control those emotions and temptations, I see clearer and blessings pour more abundantly for me. I understand the power of sex, I understand what it was meant for, I understand what it can do for me and why it works against me. The next time that I do have sex, I want it to be with someone that I love deeply. I want it to be with someone who I know for a fact, without assumptions, that cares for me as much as I do him if not more. I'm at this point in my life where I want it all. 

I want all of what Papa (God) has for me.

So, will I lose contacts with certain men when they find out that my cookie shop is closed? Yes. Will I lose those contacts with certain men who I have had sex with in the past who will realize that there will never be a future? Yes. Although, if they didn't get the hint now, I don't know what to tell ya little buddy. I understand my power in life and in this world. I understand what it revolves around. I also understand that if I continue to hold it close to my heart that Papa's paths for me become easier to see. So why do I go in and out of the wait? Because its my choice.

<3 Ebony 

Life Insurance, Life Assurance

Let's get real 

"Man, that last thing you said about playing in traffic, that was genius!" 

Said a loyal reader who checked out my previous blog posting. To them it was great word play, to me this was a heavy moment in my life. Playing in traffic, playing with guns, driving off the over pass, hoping that in the times that I almost got hit by a car that for goodness sake it would actually connect in a way that will take me out. Daydreaming that on a walk, I ignore the red hand at the stop light and continue forward.

While in traffic some time ago, a semi truck was coming on full speed. Horn honking on the highway and it couldn't stop until it was met by a guard rail. I was on the other side watching the mayhem unfold, continuing to drive in that direction as the cars around me frantically moved to the right. I was saddened to see that it stopped and didn't skip the rail and head in my direction. 

Overcome with grief and pain, I can't unsee the things I've seen or undo what I've done. When evil has looked at you plenty of times with a smile you never forget it. That is why I work out so much and hard, which is why I'm constantly drowning myself in a new book a week, which is why I keep writing, which is why I seek God, which is why I've decided to go for my dreams and see what happens because this world is short. I've seen it take away lives, I've seen it leave lives that should've been taken. To the ones on the outside looking in on my leap of faith, it all seems grand, courageous, genius, brave and more to walk this journey that I am on. Not knowing that it's harder then what they could possibly imagine. 

Just breathe.

Living in a world where you're publicly under a microscope. Where you're being judged by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to hear rumors about yourself created by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to always be 'on' because being 'off' is frowned upon. Man is it exhausting but still, here I am. I have a smile on my face and I keep trying as the world and those around me take hammers built with nails and wrapped with barbed wire happily thrust it into my back.

Just breathe. 

Having the gifts that I was so graciously given, leaves me to be alone. It burdens me with depression, pain, confusion, doubt, worry and more. It's supposed to be an outlet but, I see no outlet. What do I do now? When it rains it pours, and it's been a trifecta of natural disasters in my life for the past several years. After a disaster, I hear that it gets better; that everything will be okay. That there is light at the end of it. I pray for the strength to be here to witness that light. 

But, as I type this; my heart aches. 

One day, I was looking at life insurance policies. I've been researching them for a long time. I wanted to see how much it would cost and who would qualify to be my beneficiary. My questions then turned deeper. How long do I have to be alive for this to work? If a policy holder commits suicide will their family still receive the payments? How much for a million dollars? How about half a million? Can I pay it in full or does it have to be monthly? 

Just breathe, you are not crazy.

I write this, because this is something that is not talked about enough. So many people like myself have struggled with this. Unfortunately others are still struggling with this and some take their lives. You never know what someone is going through. This was a heavy path that was once mine and if I may be honest, I can write about it so openly because at times, I still am in this light. Some people have answers as to why this is happening, others have no answers to give, while some have no one to talk with about this. Do something so simple for me today, ask someone  "Are you okay?"

Black Bird

Why you wanna fly black bird
You ain't ever gonna fly 

As I sit back and listen to the sweet sounds of Nina Simone sing Black Bird, a song that's a narration of my life, I can't help but get lost in her deep, sultry smokey voice. In her reassurance that, that silly black bird will never fly. In her dark smooth chocolate skin, and plump lips, with eyes that can suck your soul out as she sings to you this lullaby. 

I can't help but put myself into the body of that black bird. 

The lyrics are words from everyone around me. You ain't ever gonna fly. Why are you chasing a dream that is so out of reach? No place big enough for holding all these tears you're gonna cry.  I have yet to find a box of tissues that can withstand my sad days. My depressed days, the same days where I want to play in traffic. The same days that cause me to have random outbursts and make me think I need to be put in a mental hospital all because the mind is truly a beautiful but also a destructive thing. 

But yet, I'm still here.

Trying to figure out why Papa (God) picked me to trot down this bumpy road of life. Why he gave me the gifts that I have, and why he wants me to dominate in my talents. Talents that everyone and their mother wants to have, is working to have, or already has; so what's so different about me? You ain't got no one to hold you. You ain't got no one to care. If you'd only understand dear, nobody wants you here. In my deepest moment, as I clung onto the thought of wanting to continue on in this world; I was thrown away by someone who my heart was wanting to love.  Nobody wants you here. 

Breathe. Just breathe, even when you're suffocating never stop trying to breathe.

They call you little sorrow, cause you'll never love again. Love in life, love in action, love in my abilities, love in friends, love in family, love in another man. All the odds are against me, beating on me as heavy as a drum; as heavy as the drum in this song that was beating to every beautifully poisonous lyric. But yet- Breathe-  despite all the odds I wanna fly because Papa (God) said that I can, and that I will. 

<3 Ebony