Blind

How many times have we allowed ourselves to be in a horrible situation? Whether it's emotional, physical, sexual, has to do with work or friendships? How many of us are "yes people"? When is it enough? Aren't you tired by now? I know I am.

I can't even count the number of times I have done things to please other people. At one point in my life, I thought that was my calling. I thought I was the person who had to be there for others. I thought  I was the one who had to make everyone happy, because God said to help those in need. I thought that I had to give myself to undeserving people because they were in a place of need, because again, God said help those in need.

In the pit of my exhaustion, I find myself battered, beaten, and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and freaking tired. What do I do? Instead of putting myself first, I continue to put others first. Why would I do that? Because I am a people-pleaser and unashamed by the love of seeing satisfaction on others faces that was caused by my actions. Somewhere, in that love of loving others, I slowly started to fall out of love with myself and in turn, with God. My dad even told me that I have an uncontrollable desire to help people, even if they are unfair and unkind to me. This is true, when it comes to the level of un-appreciation that  people have for me, family, friends and co-workers; I have always been the type to help and get shitted on at the same time.

I have exhausted all of my being into being that person everyone can count on. That one who will drive hours if you are sick and need help. That one who will cancel appearances and call in sick from work just to make sure you are okay.  I'm that one who will cancel dates with an amazing man, or put off writing a chapter in my new novel or that one who will always answer the phone no matter the time or day because a "friend" needs me. I was that girl. Truthfully, I hated that girl. I despise that person and I wished at times that she would just die, and allow a harden case of cement to cover her heart.

Then one day, I discovered a word that makes everyone who is not truly there for me, and who truly doesn't love me to disappear. I discovered the power of "no". I have found that no matter the length of a relationship and the depth of understanding between two people, that when "no" is said, or "I can't" or "sorry I'm busy" is said people start to fall off. I have also noticed that when I tried to cash in on those who said "I'm here for you" or "I'm only an hour away" or "anything you need" or "my door is always open no matter what" are truly full of shit. I also noticed that when I would make plans with a "girlfriend", she would forget, make plans else where or cancel. It's apparent that my time meant nothing and so did my emotions. I got tired of being a doormat. I was drained from allowing myself to release all my emotions and hurt to a "friend" who honestly has no time for me, except when she would need me.  AND that is OKAY, because in my heart, I know that we are all human. Instead of getting mad, I just hold myself to a higher standard.

If you are a yes person, like I once was, look in the mirror. Take a self inventory of what you need out of all your relationships and decide what's worth it and what isn't.

<3 Ebony