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My Journey To Happiness: Apology

As I was laying in bed, I realized that I owed God a major apology. It wasn't the normal repentance that I typically run through. Instead, it was one that I had no clue about until after I left a therapy session. I had to apologize to God for hating who he created, for hating myself. Times are tough, and people go through these moments where they don't like what they see, or how they act, their talents or lack their of and most importantly their journey.

How can I love God, but HATE the thing he created? The person he took time to craft and mend with all her flaws and perfections? The person who was meant to walk in these shoes and the only one who could? I stared at myself in the mirror, and tried to see myself through his eyes. This is a prayer that I continuously pray, "Lord please let me see what you see, because I can't see much of anything." I was looking really hard, maybe for about 20 minutes, when a fresh air came over me. Like a breeze entered my house, when the doors and windows were closed. Like a weight had been lifted off of my chest.

I think, I hit a break through. I've been struggling the past couple of months, as I've been on my journey to happiness and finding out who I am. This hole had been placed in my heart. It wasn't love from a man, or attention, or boredom, instead it was something I can't name or find. Something was missing, I'm growing in my faith so it can't be that. So what is it? It was love... but instead... it was my love for myself. That was missing, and to be honest it's never been there.

So as I read my bible, listened to my music and sat in prayer. I had to ask God to forgive me, for not loving me. For not loving the person he has created me to be, for not loving someone he is molding me too be. I know I'm not the only one who has felt this, or who will feel it. But for those of you who are battling depression, self-hate/doubt, and insecurity, it's okay. You're not alone, and everyone handles things differently. Just know, that you're amazing and truly believe that. If you have a hard time believing that, go to a mirror, and write positive things about yourself. Recite it every day, every time you look in the mirror until you believe what you're saying. To help you out a little here is what I have on one mirror in my house :

I am: 

Beautiful 

Confident

Sexy 

Sassy

Smart

Talented

WORTHY 

I am NOT ashamed for my journey, and I am NOT ashamed for saying that I love myself. It's time to STOP thinking it's bad when someone thinks they're good looking, smart, talented etc. If they don't have the confidence in themselves, then no one else will.

Just read: POEM FOR A LADY WHOSE VOICE I LIKE by Nikki Giovanni 

-_-

Thanks.... I try.... but can I look good while writing? lol 

My Journey to Happiness: Baptism

Many things have been going on, as I'm on my journey to happiness. I've tried so hard in my life to make people like me. To find someone who loves me, to be accepted for exactly who I am. But, when placed in the wrong hands (i.e. of man) I was always let down and my insecurities grew. I'm tired, tired of allowing others to have a say in my life, so for the past two years I've been working hard to do exactly what I wanted. I took trips, I learned to shoot a gun, I moved out of my home state, I allowed people close to me, I allowed myself to be hurt and rebuild, I allowed myself to live and not care; BUT most importantly, I allowed myself to love me and be okay with who I am.

In November of 2014, I started this 365 Day Walk in Christ dedication. Each day it had a message, and each message came with prayer and a bible verse. These messages, have touched me, I try to remember my teachings and use them everyday. By doing so, I've become so obedient in Christ, the only question he had  left was "what are you going to do for me?" I've been battling this for quite some time now, but I knew in my heart, this is what I needed and he is where I needed to be. He has blessed me, gotten me out of situations only he could, and he has shown me undying love when I come to him. I am not the type to follow a crowd or do something because people think is right. I wanted to know God and Jesus, I wanted to understand who he was and what he does, I wanted a relationship, I wanted to know him deeply before I took the leap. I wanted to make sure I was willing to walk to walk, there is nothing that bothers me more, than someone who claims a religion but lives like the devil; I did NOT want to be that person, the world is full of them, I want to be different. I wanted to be ready. 

On November 4, 2015, I was baptized by my amazing Pastor Will Lewis. I thank the Lord for my church family, Monica and the McCoy Crew :), Nadine & Kevin, Denean & Darren, Nancy & her daughter (who was there in spirit), for supporting me last night, much like all nights. I'm glad to say when I have an attack from the devil, I text those amazing ladies and they pray for me RIGHT on the spot and I feel so powerful and uplifted! BY moving, God has giving me my own WAR TEAM IN CHRIST! They give me so much life, I'm beyond thankful. 

Even though, I've been on this journey of self discovery for quite some time now, I know it is FAR from over, and my BIGGEST leap of faith that took place last night was only the beginning. 

Now playing: I Give Myself Away by William McDowell

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