Last Night Was One Of My Toughest Nights

I feel like, I should give her a name.

I could call her a bitch. She definitely is one of many links to Satan. She was paralyzing last night.  I felt like I was held captive in my own thoughts and in my own body.  If you suffer from depression, you randomly get in this state of being in an out of body experience. You think of scenarios in your head and you feel all the pain that comes along with it, and at times you might think about dying; only to wake up and be sad that you're still alive.

I haven't been to sleep yet.

You think of how much happier it'll be if you were no longer here. If you were to be released from this pain. You start to think of a world of freedom from this suffocating feeling and SHE grabs hold of that. SHE knows that you're in pain and experiencing something that only GOD can release you from. I mean, you could take medications but who seriously wants to take medicine for depression when some of the side effects include increased depression and suicidal thoughts?

SHE likes to sit on my chest and back at the same time. SHE squeezes the life out of me, my anxiety rises, the lightness seems to darken quickly. I'm trying to paint a vivid picture of what SHE's like for me. SHE's like a color pallet, you never know which shade you'll get or when it'll change. You could be in the best of moods and then all of a sudden SHE waves at you from a distance and sprints to you. You could think about that one person who makes your heart flutter, and she comes and kisses you on the cheek.

I should give her a name, but I don't know what I should call her. 

Asshole maybe? It's something that I pray on. Unfortunately these prayers have yet to be answered, he must be busy. Or he must want me to take myself out, which is why he hasn't healed me from this. I hope that's not the case. In a perfect world, I'll wake up and SHE'll be gone. I believe that it'll happen, I know he hears my prayers and that he'll answer them on his time. God never gives you something that you can't handle.

I got this.

Despite being captive. SHE didn't want me to move this morning. SHE was happy to have had me last night. Taunting me, smiling at me while I'm screaming as loud as I can. I'm trying to breathe and  run as fast as I can away from her; but she grabs hold of my right ankle and pulled me back in. SHE almost won last night. Instead of doing what SHE wanted, I kept praying, I'm tired and I'm exhausted, but yet, I still feel as if I triumphed.

I think I weakened her. 

I went to the gym this morning as usual. SHE crept back in right when I found the perfect parking spot. SHE grabbed my neck and secured me to my seat. I was trapped, couldn't breathe, my inhaler wasn't working for me, and my tears were like a waterfall. I managed to leave the car, and cry silently in the bathroom stall. I wanted to leave, but instead I ran and then I lifted weights. Then I praised GOD for the strength to fight. 

It might seem silly, but I think I'm winning. I can feel myself getting stronger. Huh, maybe he is answering my prayer. 

<3 Ebony 

You Being Strong Has Nothing To Do With It

One of my male suitors, made the comment on how strong I am. Then followed it up with "is that part of why you're single?" I had to reply and let him know that I'm single by choice, I don't have to be. I never have to be, I have plenty of amazing male suitors who want me; I'm in no rush and I'm in love with the process <- (click the link for more on that.) I went in on him... granted mother nature was knocking so my PMS was WAY up there. Oops, my bad.

Let me just say that saying a woman is strong and that's why 

she is single is a societal back handed compliment. 

I think plenty of women use that as a crutch or an excuse as to why they're single which is simply not the case. How about instead of using your supposed strength as a woman and saying that, that's why you're single; and instead wake up and realize that you're single probably because you're messing around with weak men, or men that are simply not interested in you, or you simply haven't found that king yet. There's a difference between a strong woman who talks and engages with a hot strong man, versus one who wants that super hot man who can offer her absolutely nothing except mind blowing sex. Most of the time, ladies lets be honest, we go for the mind blowing sex.

Some women dismiss the nice guy because he's unfamiliar territory

For some reason plenty of women and men go for those who have nothing of substance or importance to offer them. Then they have the nerve to get disappointed when their childish asses leaves or isn't what they wanted them to be. Now, I'm speaking to both men and women here. This whole dating world is so screwed up, it's comical in a sense. We're used to being treated like shit, if a good one comes along it's like rocket science. Or some how our malware malfunctions and we have no idea how to act and find a way to mess it all up.

Vanity rules our society. 

Now ladies, I'm an ear to many of you. I know plenty of women who recite how men don't want a strong woman. May I throw in there, that this usually happens after they get rejected. Here's what I noticed from the ladies who I have conversations with and who use that strong woman singleness bullshit, they have so many issues within themselves that they're failing to see what it's attracting. And guess what ladies and gents, men can smell an insecure woman a mile away. I personally know men who prey on those women. It's weird to watch the trap be set, the lies, the words and actions of my male acquaintances. It's stranger to watch how some women are so quick to fall for it.

You may say that you want a relationship, but in reality you  might not be ready for it.

We're so fixated on the idea that we have to be in a relationship, that most of us are willing to settle. Most of use don't care and just want someone. Most of us are desperate. Here's the problem with that, being anxious and desperate about finding your partner. When you get into that mindset, you settle for temporary happiness. In the end, those rushed relationships never work out, it does for the moment but when life comes in and you have to talk about futures; they never line up. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want temporary love.

Men are designed to be with women so yes they can handle you! 

They just might not want YOU. 

Call it mean or rude but it's the truth. If a man doesn't want you, then that's it he simply doesn't want you and it has nothing to do with how strong you are, you're simply not his cup of tea. You don't fit his mold, his vision for where he wants his life to go etc. Why is it okay for us women to dismiss men, talk about it with our girls and keep it pushing; but if a man does it, then he's lame, weak, stupid etc.? Take that as a blessing if a man moves on from you. In my opinion, the most horrible thing we can do, is be with someone we know is not right for us. All the wasted time, energy, emotions, 21 questions who seriously wants to go through with that?

No more excuses. No more crutches. Instead, lets look within, love ourselves and enjoy this journey! You don't want a man or woman to be with you when you  know it's not right. You don't want your time wasted either. So STOP saying you're single because you're strong, and start saying you're single because you're not settling for someone who's less than perfect and awesome as yourself.

After all, you do deserve the best my love.

<3 Ebony

Don't Take it Personal

I AM A BADDASS! 

Yeah, that's right, I said it and I don't care if it sounds cocky! Want to know why? Because I'm exhausted in letting other people dictate how I should perceive myself. I speak on this a lot with friends, family, co-workers and even in this blog. Why is it that, at times, we allow others thoughts and opinions about us rule our world? You can sit there and LIE and say that "that's never been you" or you can face the truth and admit that you've been apart of that messed up circle. Whether it was in high school, college, at work, at home, with friends, family, strangers. There was a point in your life, one moment, when you allowed someone else to dictate what you think or how you feel about yourself.

It's okay, just drop that shit and learn to LOVE YOURSELF. 

It's okay to believe in yourself. To feel like you're the best at your craft, to believe that all good things that this universe has to offer will happen for you. It's okay to look in the mirror and LOVE the way you look. To say "damn Ebony, you're killin this outfit boo!" It's okay for someone to give you a compliment and instead of being shy about it say "Thank you!" with such confidence, you leave the other person speechless. It's time to STOP thinking down about ourselves and to START thinking positive about ourselves.

If someone has a problem with your confidence don't take it personal. 

We all know those people who turn up their noses at us select few who refuse to let a bad comment mess up our day. Who refuse to let someone who has something rude to say throw us off our glorious path of being amazing in life. We all know that one person who is waiting for us to post our woes on social media just so they can like it. You  know exactly what I'm talking about too! We have that one "friend" who doesn't like a single picture, status, comment etc. However, the moment you post in distress or something sad, or what's angering you; they have the audacity to not just LIKE the post but LOVE IT!  You know what, if someone has an issue with how much you love and believe in YOU, just know, that it's a THEM problem and not a YOU problem.

I'll be damned if I get upset about ME because another person is jealous. 

My life is precious, my life is full of blessings, my life is beautiful with all it's glorious ups and downs that Papa (God) throws at me. What my life is NOT, is a space for others to drag and drop their dirty laundry. It is not a place that's aimed to please you and all your desires. It is not something that can easily be tarnished by your words because the words of Papa holds more water over what you have to say. It is not something that I refuse to fully live or take risks with because it makes you uncomfortable. Here is the best part of my life......... that it belongs to me and I'm going to unapologetically live it the way that I see fit (with the leadership of Papa of course).

<3 Ebony