I am Not Something For You To Masturbate With.

SEX!

Did that make you uncomfortable? I hope not! I love talking about it, mainly because I go in and out on my journey of The Wait. Also people love asking me, why I'm not having sex? Or why it's so easy for me to have sex and then quickly dismiss it and not have it for another year or two. The answer is simple. I'm at this time in my life where I'm tired of sex. I'm tired of being unsatisfied. If you don't know me, then you have no idea that I am a great actress. 9 times out of 10 I, like many of my fellow ladies out there, I have faked the big O, just so it'll be over with. If I can be honest, as I always am, only two guys have been great at this, ONLY TWO. So why do I stop having sex?

Because my body is not something for you to masturbate with. 

And that's all (to me) what sex is without any type of emotional connection. If I'm not crazy about you or hell, if I'm not in love with you then that's just what I am. I'm a human sock that you are using as if you were in the 7th grade; masturbating into another clean white sock only to shove it under the bed or in a laundry basket when you're done. Excuse my frank nature when it comes to this topic, but let's get real. We've all felt this way at some point in time. We all get to a place in our lives where sex is just not enough. Why would I keep having sex when 1. I will not be marrying you, 2. it's lame, 3. you most likely have no clue what you're doing, 4. I have to fake it and 5. it's boring to me.

I wasn't going to write this, but I got into a deep conversation with a male suitor of mine, and he said "Damn, you should write that out. When you said I'm not something for you to masturbate with,that alone paints such a vivid picture." I stuttered on it, and said no at first. As I open my phone to half naked bathroom pics from guys, while some men say "they want me", others claim to "crave me" etc. I can't  help but reply "cool" or something blow offish to them, because I'm not in that mindset and it's simply not worth it. Now this guy is great, he's on his own journey of the wait. So as we continue to spend so much time together, yes that tension is there, but waiting for it; to us is important.

When I'm sinning in sex, my life isn't as great as it could be. 

And to those who follow God, or reading certain things in the bible, or have experience with the shift in your movement when you're freely having sex, you get it. When it comes to me, when I'm having sex, other things in my life aren't going so well.  When I'm able to control those emotions and temptations, I see clearer and blessings pour more abundantly for me. I understand the power of sex, I understand what it was meant for, I understand what it can do for me and why it works against me. The next time that I do have sex, I want it to be with someone that I love deeply. I want it to be with someone who I know for a fact, without assumptions, that cares for me as much as I do him if not more. I'm at this point in my life where I want it all. 

I want all of what Papa (God) has for me.

So, will I lose contacts with certain men when they find out that my cookie shop is closed? Yes. Will I lose those contacts with certain men who I have had sex with in the past who will realize that there will never be a future? Yes. Although, if they didn't get the hint now, I don't know what to tell ya little buddy. I understand my power in life and in this world. I understand what it revolves around. I also understand that if I continue to hold it close to my heart that Papa's paths for me become easier to see. So why do I go in and out of the wait? Because its my choice.

<3 Ebony 

Life Insurance, Life Assurance

Let's get real 

"Man, that last thing you said about playing in traffic, that was genius!" 

Said a loyal reader who checked out my previous blog posting. To them it was great word play, to me this was a heavy moment in my life. Playing in traffic, playing with guns, driving off the over pass, hoping that in the times that I almost got hit by a car that for goodness sake it would actually connect in a way that will take me out. Daydreaming that on a walk, I ignore the red hand at the stop light and continue forward.

While in traffic some time ago, a semi truck was coming on full speed. Horn honking on the highway and it couldn't stop until it was met by a guard rail. I was on the other side watching the mayhem unfold, continuing to drive in that direction as the cars around me frantically moved to the right. I was saddened to see that it stopped and didn't skip the rail and head in my direction. 

Overcome with grief and pain, I can't unsee the things I've seen or undo what I've done. When evil has looked at you plenty of times with a smile you never forget it. That is why I work out so much and hard, which is why I'm constantly drowning myself in a new book a week, which is why I keep writing, which is why I seek God, which is why I've decided to go for my dreams and see what happens because this world is short. I've seen it take away lives, I've seen it leave lives that should've been taken. To the ones on the outside looking in on my leap of faith, it all seems grand, courageous, genius, brave and more to walk this journey that I am on. Not knowing that it's harder then what they could possibly imagine. 

Just breathe.

Living in a world where you're publicly under a microscope. Where you're being judged by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to hear rumors about yourself created by those who don't know you and those who do. Where you have to always be 'on' because being 'off' is frowned upon. Man is it exhausting but still, here I am. I have a smile on my face and I keep trying as the world and those around me take hammers built with nails and wrapped with barbed wire happily thrust it into my back.

Just breathe. 

Having the gifts that I was so graciously given, leaves me to be alone. It burdens me with depression, pain, confusion, doubt, worry and more. It's supposed to be an outlet but, I see no outlet. What do I do now? When it rains it pours, and it's been a trifecta of natural disasters in my life for the past several years. After a disaster, I hear that it gets better; that everything will be okay. That there is light at the end of it. I pray for the strength to be here to witness that light. 

But, as I type this; my heart aches. 

One day, I was looking at life insurance policies. I've been researching them for a long time. I wanted to see how much it would cost and who would qualify to be my beneficiary. My questions then turned deeper. How long do I have to be alive for this to work? If a policy holder commits suicide will their family still receive the payments? How much for a million dollars? How about half a million? Can I pay it in full or does it have to be monthly? 

Just breathe, you are not crazy.

I write this, because this is something that is not talked about enough. So many people like myself have struggled with this. Unfortunately others are still struggling with this and some take their lives. You never know what someone is going through. This was a heavy path that was once mine and if I may be honest, I can write about it so openly because at times, I still am in this light. Some people have answers as to why this is happening, others have no answers to give, while some have no one to talk with about this. Do something so simple for me today, ask someone  "Are you okay?"

Black Bird

Why you wanna fly black bird
You ain't ever gonna fly 

As I sit back and listen to the sweet sounds of Nina Simone sing Black Bird, a song that's a narration of my life, I can't help but get lost in her deep, sultry smokey voice. In her reassurance that, that silly black bird will never fly. In her dark smooth chocolate skin, and plump lips, with eyes that can suck your soul out as she sings to you this lullaby. 

I can't help but put myself into the body of that black bird. 

The lyrics are words from everyone around me. You ain't ever gonna fly. Why are you chasing a dream that is so out of reach? No place big enough for holding all these tears you're gonna cry.  I have yet to find a box of tissues that can withstand my sad days. My depressed days, the same days where I want to play in traffic. The same days that cause me to have random outbursts and make me think I need to be put in a mental hospital all because the mind is truly a beautiful but also a destructive thing. 

But yet, I'm still here.

Trying to figure out why Papa (God) picked me to trot down this bumpy road of life. Why he gave me the gifts that I have, and why he wants me to dominate in my talents. Talents that everyone and their mother wants to have, is working to have, or already has; so what's so different about me? You ain't got no one to hold you. You ain't got no one to care. If you'd only understand dear, nobody wants you here. In my deepest moment, as I clung onto the thought of wanting to continue on in this world; I was thrown away by someone who my heart was wanting to love.  Nobody wants you here. 

Breathe. Just breathe, even when you're suffocating never stop trying to breathe.

They call you little sorrow, cause you'll never love again. Love in life, love in action, love in my abilities, love in friends, love in family, love in another man. All the odds are against me, beating on me as heavy as a drum; as heavy as the drum in this song that was beating to every beautifully poisonous lyric. But yet- Breathe-  despite all the odds I wanna fly because Papa (God) said that I can, and that I will. 

<3 Ebony