Cafe HonesTea : Sex and Bourbon

In this episode Big P challenged me to be even more open. Man, this was hard to do. I cried, took my inhaler and was sweating, but it's here.

Cafe HonesTea : Mental Prisons

We all have them... Those mental prisons that keep us captive. 

How many of us are allowing our mental prisons to block our blessings?

I Hope You Read This.

I hope that you read this....
..... while I sit scared...
A friend asked me a question.
.... something that's hard for my heart to bear...
She said "do you feel good enough? for someone else?...
...I threw her off with my answer.
She was expecting something inspirational, something empowering but instead
I was honest.
No...I don't feel good enough...'As I look across the table
At someone I want so strongly, but know that
God's protecting him from me...
It's not that he's not equipped
A good father he is...
It's more like my mental state of mind
is no good for a man like him...
...someone so fickle... indecisive... depressive... and unstable...
Why would a strong light ever be drawn to such brokenness?
..So I sadly settle for the friend role...
I know my position...
I can't fathom to take on a bigger role..
Bringing someone into my messed up world...
I know it's God intervening..
because we've had chances to explore our meaning...
..Although I desire affection...
something that's always been lacking in my life...
...I know it's what I need and desire..
if not received I keep looking higher...
..which leaves me confused...
because affection is something I don't receive from the few...
including you..
but yet... my heart still pulls towards the unknown.
Oh, the many battles I face..
...The silent prison in my mind...
the lonely hallways to my heart...
...overshadowed with the darkness of emotions...
A fear as I pass every door conquered..
...it's a dark place.. my mind and heart that is...
But I see the light and I'm desperately trying to grab it...
all while, I know there' s more to this..
I will never stop seeking it...
...No, I don't feel good enough...
And honestly...I don't believe I ever will..
...My desire to protect others is strong....
Even if it's from my own heart.

<3 Ebony









....Especially when it's protecting them from me...

OH SNAP! IT'S-A PODCAST. 

Well, as I'm about to start my new journey with CBS, a lot has happened. Even clearing up some discussion on me getting BACK into radio... Yeah, there's a deal on the table (a few of them) in the meantime, let's keep it here. 

Moonlight Thoughts

Wrote this at 2am.....

Ever find yourself with a restless mind on a Late night?

Find yourself looking at pictures of people seeming to be happy. And videos of others showcasing a happy moment. Placing yourself at that moment with them.

The group of best friends going on a trip. The couple welcoming a baby. The bachelor who recently adopted a corgi. That college grad who nailed their dream job. The woman hysterically crying as she says “yes” to being someones forever.

So many things go through our minds... why not me?

The desire to want to know what it’s like to cheers to a table full of genuine friends. The wanting of the chance to have your soulmate. That heart beating endless love when looking into your own human creation; holding them for the first time. Truly feeling loved and wanted.

For some of us, our realities are the opposite.

Traveling the world and never feeling at home. Or like you have a home. Not belonging. Truly empty, so you keep moving. And moving. And moving. Hoping that God will forgive you for lying to your parents when you were 6 years old. Because obviously, Gods punishing you because of what you said over 20 years ago.....

That feeling that it’ll never be your time. That those things will never happen for you. That friends are a luxury that you can’t afford. That love is dispersed to the fortunate while the peasants wallow in the silence. That sadness that creeps in when you pass baby clothes, the ring section, or even the high school awkward couple at the mall. Seriously? They can find someone and I can’t?.... pssshh okay... 

Or being that person people want around when celebrations occur but don't care any of the other days of the year. Being that person who checks on, prays for, sends encouragement to many to have no one return the favor. Instead, you spend your sleepless nights texting the suicide hotline.

The feeling of never being good enough or desired.

All these thoughts take over the mind which seeps into our hearts. These captivating, paralyzing thoughts that show no mercy. Make it impossible to believe that we’ll get our chance one day.

Or maybe, it’s just a thought and we're too deep into our depression to see the love around us...
Interesting what the mind conjures up when it's restless.... is this a thought? I would love to categorize it as such, but it's many of our reality, including me. 
<3 Ebony