MESSAGE: Being Private in the Public

My dad took this photo of me when we had a mini photo shoot. I love it because it resembles so many things. The meaning behind this photo breaks me down to my bare essentials. During this shoot I was at my loneliest part in my life. Many people don't know this, but when I first got on Television I was a weather girl for FOX NEWS. I was 18 years old at the time and  I lost ALL of my friends. I was called a "ho" because apparently I slept with my female manager to get the position. I was cut off from my friends because I was progressing and they were pregnant. I was talked about from the ones closest to me and doubted by my own flesh in blood saying "I will never be something big, I'm just a pretty face." I got into countless physical fights with females because I was "doing the most". When out people would "accidentally" spill things on me and laugh it off. 

Surprised? 

So there I am, in this photo at 19 years old and broken because I was blessed with the chance to better my life and I decided to take that step. Being in the public it's hard to decipher what to keep private. In many ways a private life really doesn't exist because we have to have so many things on display. Pictures, videos, personality, nightlife etc. Everything is captured through a lens when you have a career that's in the public eye. 

Having feelings of out-lash and emotion can happen behind closed doors where it's recommended. But let those feelings come out in public and all of a sudden "you lost your mind".  When you sign up for a career in the public eye get ready for all the backlash, rumors, drama, false friends and loneliness all while you have to keep busy and a smile on your face.  It's a give an take when taking on a career that involves being public which is why they say it's not for everyone. It might look easy but it takes real strength to keep it going. It's something you can't hide from, but you have to know the difference in what should be public and what's private. 

That's why I love being an author. The ability I have to tell stories allows me to release things in a fictional way that's actually helping me in reality. I love this blog because it's a mix of all things I love. I get to post about music since being a radio personality that is important. I get to write about whatever is on my heart because I'm a woman and writing about emotions is soothing. I also get to write about subject matters people ask me questions about, which typically has "MESSAGE" before my blog title like today's posting. Being private in the public seems hard and for those who are new in it, it can break you down. All I have to say is if you don't have something to keep you grounded and at peace you will go crazy.

So for the one who wants to remain anonymous by sending me a message, don't stop what you're doing. Don't let those who curse your name have a hold in your life or a place in your heart. I prayed for all of them and asked God to forgive them while healing me. I look back and smile because those YEARS of pain caused me to publish two books with three ready to publish, be on television at 18 years old for 3 years then jump right into radio, becoming a model to where photogs from Alaska and the lower 48 want to work with me, being asked to emcee many events in town and get invites from out of state and a few other things I won't share just yet :-D. 

Everyone's journey is different, this obviously is mine SO FAR that I know many can relate too. I've learned that you have to find a balance and that outlet my friend Marlon taught me that. Believe in yourself and trust in God that it will happen and everything will be okay. 

<3- Ebony 

Emotional Thinker

Okay time for another honesty hour. This morning started out great for me despite my mind over thinking things like usual and the lack of sleep because I kept checking my phone. I woke up from what seemed like a nap and had a good outlook on today. Then it got a little weird when I started to get ready for work. Those thoughts that I had heavy on my brain carried over into the morning. Now here I am trying to do my hair and put on clothes when I stop and sit down and start to think about these damn distractions.

When I start to over think especially when it's something that drives some emotion out of me the outcomes are never pretty.My heart starts to hurt at the mere thought of being ignored when I'm trying to find something out. My brain is like a race track and my thoughts are fighting to see who will be dealt with first. And forget about my attitude! Because that bad boy shoots up and down when trying to find my sanity!

When you're an emotional thinker, you tend to take things to a different level and you can't see clear because well you're blinded by hurt and emotion to see or hear reality. That my friends is the state of mind I found myself in this morning. When I calmed down, I can hear things and see somethings and I realize that the person I was upset about wasn't really worth the time at all. Wasn't really worth losing sleep over, or to even contact. Here's why because you are in charge of your day; and I'd be damned to let someone who obviously doesn't care ruin it.

Gather your emotional thoughts before you start to think about a situation. It's very tough but in the end you will see what's real and what isn't. You will be able to gain control over yourself and have a strength to push forward unlike before. Always remember just because you might care about someone or something doesn't mean that thing or person cares about you. It might suck to hear that but at least you know and are in control of what you put out whether it be emotion, time or so on. So just breathe my fellow emotional thinkers, today will be a good day.

I Probably Wont Respond If....

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all have opened a portal for people to try and holla at ya! I get a lot of requests via Facebook, thanks to Instagrams direct pic messages I receive some interesting things also the random @ tweets via twitter a majority of the time  I will not respond to certain people.

 I finally decided to check out my Facebook inbox. So here we go! For starters, I'm not a mother so calling me "ma" or "mama" will just make me give an eye roll and close the message. If you want to try and sweet talk me by calling me "baby girl"  it wont work. Then the one I always get that makes me laugh  "HEY SEXI! GUH YOU LOOK DAMN FINE!" When I get messages that are horribly misspelled and in caps like you're yelling at me, I just go ahead and delete it and will probably unfriend you. Why? I'M A WRITER! So receiving something that is horribly misspelled because it "looks cool" makes my IQ drop a few points just by reading the message.  I also love the messages when I don't reply and get the "I'm a ho" and so on, ladies I know you feel me on those responses lol. I have a question, if I were a ho as you claim wouldn't I talk back to your ignorance instead of ignore the foul illiterate conversation you are determined to have? Just wondering......

THE THIRST IS REAL! Not just on the behalf of some men but also for women! I've seen text messages, comments and also messages via social networking that my guy friends show me and it's just horrible! It makes me laugh to see people really trying THAT hard to get a number or a response. The audacity that some people have even when that person is married or committed  makes my stomach turn. But hey! You know what they say a new age relationship consists of  " A couple, an ex who keeps trying to talk to you, a best friend who wants it to fail, and a groupie that's also one step behind".

 If your name is "Big Swagger" who works at "in the streetz" and went to school at "Hard knocks" I'm sure when I see you message me it won't be opened. I'm not snobby or cocky I'm just confident in myself as a woman and I know my worth and what I deserve. Like most women who just laugh at those messages we receive it's not to be a "bitch" or to be rude it's out of pure amusement to us that some people actually think that works on all women. To some girls who are easy yes that works and you can spot those girls out a mile away! The ones  who can't spell in statuses because they think it's cute and the ones who are half naked and have the side chick tag lines on every picture on Instagram. Now THOSE girls are the ones who will respond and most likely hit you up in a couple minutes because that need for a males attention is so important.

So not only do I not respond because you probably are sending a message that lowers my IQ. But I also don't respond because  I use Facebook as a site of promotion for me and my talents.  I NETWORK which is what's it's supposed to be used for. If I wanted a hook up I'm sure I would go no another site or just go in my phone and pick who I want.

With that said... Have a fantastic Friday ;)

Change

Time doesn't slow down for anyone. We all wish for it to slow down or reverse itself. We want just an hour back to prevent us from sending that embarrassing text message. We want a few minutes left to spend with the people we care about and for the love of humanity we want more sleep!

Since it's obvious that we can't control the clock or stop time, change in inevitable. So with that being said, since we can't stop time or stop change, why change for the wrong reasons? I watch people switch it up for others or a job not because it's what their heart desires but because someone else wants them too. If you want to get your nails done, buy a new outfit, take your presentation in a way you see fit or whatever else you can think of; why do it for the pleasure of others and not you? 

When taking my friends little sister shopping, a young girl said "Tim likes red so I'm gonna get this skirt! He will notice me and my legs" her friend replied "but you hate red.." The girl turned around and said "No I love red.... for Tim". First off she's maybe in middle school so she needs to have a seat. Walking past the group of tweens And going into another store I heard the same talk from women my age. I even heard a guy in GNC the other day talking about bulking up to make his ex jealous. So with that, I've come to the conclusion it doesn't matter what age or gender we are; we have a  desire to be noticed.

So if you desire to change why not do it for you instead of changing for someone else? Why not change in the direction that can bring people to love you for you whether it be friends or love or whatever instead of being noticed? We have lots of television shows that showcase that person doing drastic stuff to get noticed by their boss, family or eye candy. It's the new norm for some people to change for others and not because it's best for them. It's normal to be someone you're not to fit in instead of who you are and be alone. Let's face it no one wants to be alone right?

I was told to change many things about me. From when I was on television to my writing style or my radio delivery. I was told by many people to change this and that and THEN I will be where I want to be, but I refuse. I'm where I am because of who I am. I'm all for improvement and changing in that way that will benefit me, but becoming someone else is out of the question. I'm 24 almost 25, and my resume is impressive and extensive all because  believing that I don't need that superficial change to make me bigger or better. I don't need to change to be like someone else in order to get to where I will be, God has that all worked out for me I just have to wait and continue to hustle hard. 

Time and change are great! When it comes to growing and changing into a better person. Change sucks when someone is trying to take away who you are to satisfy them. So think about it, are you changing for you?

Rushing

I'm guilty and I know I'm not the only one when it comes to rushing. Wether it be for a job hunt or a date etc you get where I'm going with this. I'm guilty of being so in love with the thought of love I over think things... A LOT. 

I've come to the realization through many things, people watching, and personal experiences that rushing is a huge mistake! You might say "duh" or "no shit" but in reality we do this many times some of us do it every day. 

Why rush something you want to last awhile? Why eat your food scortching hot when it tastes better cooled down? Why rush on a test when you can take your time and get an A? Why rush driving to work when you can get into an accident? And of course why rush into finding love?

I'm  the type of person who knows what I want and will stop at nothing until I get it. Problem is I have an issue when knowing when to apply that go getter attitude verses when I need to chill out. If I'm interested in someone (which is rare) I would focus on them and slowly shift where my focus should stay at to where they are. I'm glad to say I caught myself and I've turned my boat to the right course. So I will admit,  I tend to rush and want what I know I want instead of coolin out. 

I was talking to my girl Ty when I realized I know what I need to do.  I know what I have to do its right in my brain but yet I chose to ignore it for my bodily desires. Why am I rushing something when I want it to last? Why am I rushing something when I'm not done getting my "playtime" out the way? Why am I rushing something when my focus needs to be on my craft so I can succeed? And why am I trippin over nothing? After talking with her, I realized I need to enjoy what I'm experiencing. I need to enjoy what my life is offering and the places I'm about to go. I need to enjoy myself and keep getting to know me before I can share it and expect someone to love it.

Yes I'm emotional and crazy about those chick flicks and romantic movies. Yes I love the thought of walking on a beach at sunset and talking all night. Yes I desire waking up next to someone who wants me just as much as I want them. And yes I know that when rushing you can never know someone as deeply as you want to. 

I have my whole life to find all that and be smitten and totally swept off my feet. What I don't have is time to waste with my job and my craft. Those things need to be handled in a certain time period aka "you're moment" and this is my moment. 

So don't burn your tongue eating hot food. Don't fail a test when you need to study and get an A instead. And most importantly don't rush those feelings instead enjoy this phase and let it take its course and if it doesn't work out, then know it was never meant to be anyway ;). For my control freaks out there it's a lesson you will learn and understand with experience.